Wednesday, 24 May 2006

There she is.

It's muggy-muggy today!

Reminds me of Ayaka's English Lessons, when she teaches Rika Ishikawa how to say it's a very humid day. We spent weeks once walking around imitating her "It's very muggy muggy!" It was cute.

Well it's humid. I went from wishing it wasn't -27 to wishing it wasn't +27. Why can't it just be 20 all year around? But with seasons. Please?

I got out all the fans and to think 2 nights ago I turned on the electric blanket because the sheets were so cold. I went out and got a pizza for dinner since the house is an oven anyway. I'm not cooking. I don't feel like barbecueing. I don't feel like defrosting anything big either. I'm surrounded by food here.

I actually feel really self destructive these days. It's supposed to be part of the 'process'. I don't want to be part of the process. I want to be away from the process and back to being me again.

Bless my proactive Jake, he's always trying to keep me on track. He makes me eat (did I mention I don't eat sometimes? I'll make sure everyone else does, and I'll skip seven meals and almost pass out in the shower because I don't pay attention. That went over really well, let me tell you). He makes me go to the dumb physical therapy. He takes me to the counselor. I think I would have ditched all of it by now. A week of nothing but appointments and running around and it's too fast for me. I need time to process things. He likes them dealt with and gone so happy life resumes. He's desperate for me to be happy, and not scared. Oh God, is that not the greatest thing in the world?

He got my spinning wheel out and put it in the front hall near the living room. And put all my fiber in a big basket beside it. For when the sling is gone and I feel like spinning.

He has rounded up the most motley bunch of babysitters, chauffeurs and entertainment a girl could ever wish for. Again, I love everyone but I'm such an introvert. I want to sleep. He figures if I sleep too much I will withdraw. He gets despondent when I withdraw and yet I need it so bad. I won't withdraw from him, from the kids, just from the rest of the world.

Maybe he'll read this. I can't even explain how I feel but I'm done with all this 'healing'. I'd like to wallow instead. Just for a bit.

And post-traumatic stress is a bitch. A really nasty bitch. When I see someone move out of the corner of my eye I jump fifty feet. I was running the bath for the kids last night and I turned off the water 4 times to listen. To listen for what? The kids were in the bathroom, I locked the door behind us. Jake was downstairs. Dumb. Really dumb.

I think I found myself today. That or the crazy girl came back from the circus.