Wednesday, 31 May 2006

Downhill is faster.

You know what? I'm pissed off now. I fired my counselor this afternoon as I was leaving her office right in the middle of my session. I don't care. I'll take Jake's omnipresent subjectiveness over her judgmental crap any day. I don't bust my ass getting across town to her ghetto carjackville office that many times a week so she can be disapproving and snarky. Like she's sorry she wastes her time on me because there is happiness here. Because that woman could not talk a kitten off a ledge and I actually feel a little fearful if she is considered to be a resource for women who've been beaten up and don't have someone like Jacob in their lives.

I was so angry when I came home I sent PJ home and then I called and cancelled everyone. I cancelled the physical therapist and my weekly checkup. I don't want anyone here. I can't take it anymore. Didn't I say last week that I felt self-destructive?

Maybe I'm nuts because now I'm alone in the house. Maybe I am nuts. Maybe Cole should have just snapped my neck because he could have and if he really wanted to kill me he simply would have. Maybe I don't deserve the brief moments of overwhelming joy with the angel Jacob who walks this earth to protect me and to love me. Maybe he is temporary. Nothing that wonderful ever keeps. Nothing is ever in my life for long if it's good. I don't have that kind of luck, folks.

Maybe I just need to sleep. Going to take some of those zombie drugs and lie down for a bit.