Thursday, 4 May 2006

Hell has a Ferris wheel but so does heaven.

Did you know that? I know it now.

Details. I hardly know where to begin. 24 hours brings nothing but more screaming trips around the wheel and yet as a writer, part of my non-working routine is to force myself to blather on at the same time every day to keep the creative gears from rusting.

My kids are on a plane right now with my husband. He cashed in some emergency vacation time and is taking the kids to the farm to play catch up with their cousins and run and stay up too late and have fun because this was not a good kid-vironment. And Trey is disappointed and bitter only because I came back to him with a hole where my heart used to be and I couldn't meet his gaze. I truly believe now that he hoped I would come back wanting him and I tried. The routine felt good but we fought under our breath for more than half a day and I relented on the trip because I'm not fit to parent anyone right at this moment. Trey told me to go be happy. Then I promptly had the biggest panic attack ever. Why?

Because I felt like an addict. I needed a drug and the drug is Jacob and it took what felt like hours to get through to him at his office to talk to him. I'm relieved that the kids are in a happier spot and Trey can have the support of his family right now and they don't have to deal with me. I couldn't do it. I couldn't go back to real life. It was tense and miserable and I was miserable and I set the mood for everyone and sometimes that is a tall order.

So I ran out on it.

I can't wait to see the good-mommy emails. Or the WTF are you doing now? emails. Because there's so much here. There's a long long history and more than one great love. Geez, that's why it's hard. Trey and I have ironed out most of the creases (well except this GIANT one down the middle of my life). We have slow-danced through the kitchen and had food fights and drawn on each other with markers and fought and cried too. I can't say it enough when I say he's not the bad guy. He doesn't hold any less of a place in my heart and yet I'm so used to him. Not in a taken-for-granted way but I can come up for air with him. There's a release every now and then. I didn't think to consider that he wanted all of me back. He didn't think about it either and it's not so smooth. Stupidly I thought I could handle everything. I am the luckiest girl in the whole world to have had two soul mates to love all at once and it seems like it shouldn't be so hard but it was.

They will be back in 10 days and oh my god I feel like my arms have been ripped off. I have never been away from the kids ever. It's a relief that they don't have to see me so upset because I don't want them to see that. I don't want to see it.

But the best news?

Jacob has withdrawn his transfer. He's right now working with his committee to have coverage so he can take a sabbatical, which is a 6 month renewal break that a minister can take after 5 years of service. The timing was perfect, they had yet to vote on his replacement for SA. Now they can vote on the minister who will cover his leave instead. They just want him to get through his hard time and come back to them whole. Much like I want to be again.

Is this fate or what? I see it so clearly today.

Trey asked me if I would contact the lawyer this week and begin whatever procedure we have to go through for an amicable divorce. He wants weekend custody which works for him and me too. Day to day life with Jacob and the kids won't be difficult. The euphoria of being alone with him isn't clouded by daily routines, chores and the kids needing 150% all the time-he is used to that, he's been here doing that with us. He's fixed things and had too many dinners to count and been a male influence when Trey has been a workaholic. He loves my children. They love him. It works, gloriously enough and I am thankful for that because the kids have to come first. Please, I have heard the collective commune remarks already. And yes, Love is what it's all about. All the way around.

I can see for miles from way up here. The best part was when Jacob returned my call and I told him I couldn't live without him I could hear him smiling. You know when you're talking to someone on the phone and their words sound different because their head is splitting in half from smiling? Yeah, like that. When he came home the smile was still there. I'm watching him sleep right now from across the room and I swear it's still there.

It's weird because 24 hours ago my head felt like concrete and everything hurt so bad I was seriously considering doing something harmful to myself. Honestly I was because I didn't want to live without Jake. He's going to be horrified when he reads that but he can read this part after it and know it's okay. God answered me. Finally he answered me. He helped hold me up while I made the choice. The right one, that is.

I am okay. Just unbelieveably exhausted. But loved. So loved by Jacob. And I love him too.