Saturday, 27 May 2006

Jacob's truth serum.

Last night Jacob finally let his moralistic guard down and had a second glass of wine. And a third too. Considering how big he is you would think he could hold his liquor but he just can't seem to manage it and therefore he has always been a designated driver, a teetotaler. Except for once a year or less he just says "fuck it" and has a few.

I have been waiting for this night, honestly because he's as honest and forthright as I am when all inhibitions go away. He speaks his mind and I think he finds it to be akin to when Hemingway talks of seeing Cezanne's paintings in a new light when you're hungry. You see the beauty so much more clearly. He's honest to the point of hurtful. I have learned the most from what he keeps in his heart during these times.

He really really really wants a baby. Because he waited so long already for this life. He's angry. He doesn't want any more denial, any hesitating. He blames me for waiting until I was getting hurt before I left Cole. He doesn't want Cole to have had the best part of my life and he feels like he's always going to be second in line.

My god he was so angry. And it's strangely beautiful because he's a quiet angry. He rarely yells. Instead he just stops, much like I do. He thinks instead. He uses his feelings and wrings the life out of them. He makes them into his lessons and then he learns.

Only he confided that this one isn't going away and logically he is so very aware of how difficult this would make everything but he cannot get past it. Even me reminding him that I left Cole for him and that I was here because he's first in my heart brought a look and one word.


That pissed me off. I don't deserve that look. And I may quietly get mad and stop talking but sometimes I get a little overwhelmed by all of this. By everything. I yelled at him. He deserves better than me. He really does.

Don't WHAT Jake? Don't remind you that I was married? Shit happens. I didn't know you. I didn't know how my life was going to turn out. I didn't know anything. I can't go back and change it but I don't love him anymore. I love you and now you're telling me it's not enough for you? Well FUCK YOU because it's all I have.

He laughed again because he takes none of my bullshit posturing. Now was not the time to laugh. I started crying. Hi, that's one of my most famous talents. God forbid I bottle anything up ever.

It's enough. It's more than I ever dreamed of, Bridge. I just can't even explain how overwhelming this feeling is.

Which feeling is that Jake? Resentment? Competition? Selfishness?

That's not even close to fair, Bridge. The feeling that I want to be a good lover, a provider, a protector and a dad. I want to be a witness to the miracle from this vantage point. I want a house full of love and laughter and every goddamned cliche out there because you make me so happy and I have wanted nothing more than to make a life with you and we are so blessed right now. And you are the only person in my life I would ever want this gift from.

(I'm sure I visibly swooned.)

Then why can't we wait?

We're 35. The kids are 5 and 6, they won't be close if the baby's too far behind them, I'm afraid we're going to miss our chance and we've already missed so much. No more goddamned waiting, Bridge. Look at everything we've been through in the last ten years.

We haven't missed anything Jake. Life is now.

So let's have one. Let's start living. God doesn't want us to be unhappy.
(he might have slurred this slightly).

Oh, pulling out the big guns now, I see.

You know what I mean. You think too much, Bridge.

Are you trying to change me?

No, I'm trying to make you see how I live. How I think, how sometimes beating decisions to death with logic and outcomes does nothing but delay life and life is so short, Bridge. I was starting to feel like you were never going to look at me the way you looked at him.

Oh Jacob I always looked at you the same way. It got me in nothing but trouble.

Right and now you're here. Let's get this show on the road.

You're impossible.

Yeah, well, Bridget, maybe you've changed me.

Does this mean you'll get a tattoo? Or start swearing more?

No. I don't mean that, I mean you make me want to live. To feel everything, good and bad.

Right, can we skip the bad for a bit?

Okay then, only joy
. (geez, he is drunk.)

Okay, only joy.

Okay. So what's the plan?

The plan is let's stop using the stupid diaphragm and see what God has in store for us.

The look on his face washed away any doubts I carried. The only thing I can compare it to is the look on someone's face when you have just informed them that they've won a hundred million dollars. Tax-free. I really doubted he'd remember any of this the next day, but he most certainly did.