This morning I exchanged the intoxicating freedom of the open highway where I swear I was seventeen all over again for the crushing personal roadblocks and congestion of couple's therapy, from which I emerged into the blinding sunlight choking back sobs and trying to uselessly force my way out of Jacob's strong arms, having just been yanked back weeks progress-wise. Our time even ran over and yet we weren't on speaking terms with each other when we left, despite the desperate measures we (okay, they) took to try to sort it out while we were still there. Because Jacob is fed up and because I am in pain.
I am 'emotionally immature' (I want to write 'duh' here but that would just confirm it). And when I was pointedly called upon to define myself under that label I straightaway looked to Jake to FIX IT BECAUSE THAT ISN'T FAIR. And the counselor pounces again and asks me what Jake is going to be able to do for that, since he is part of the problem.
Jake? Well, he studied the floor like it was going to magically scroll the answers across the tiles beneath his shoes.
In trying to help me develop tools to stand on my own two feet in this relationship (translation; grow the fuck up) instead of being so goddamned submissive when it comes to men, specifically the ones I love, all of my flaws are exposed to the light, then they have verbal acid thrown on them and then they're kicked to the curb to be repeatedly run over.
Jake is asked to list some of the things he brings to our relationship. Easy. He DOES THIS FOR A LIVING, people. He rattles off so many concrete examples. Flawless. Bravo. I am lucky. A million times over. I love how he never has to point out his fears like I do in these sessions.
What do I bring?
Ha. Um. The kids, okay, yeah, Ruth and Henry. Um. Ah. Optimism that the future will be better than the past. Oh and I can totally get my way with sexual favors.
Bridget do you feel that your power comes through sex?
Aw geez, you people are harsh. Inside my head the wild girl is screaming with laughter. Of course it does, watch as I seduce any man I want without having to speak a single word. Idiots!
Outwardly:
Well, no, it shouldn't, but..
Do you think this is healthy?
Oh now here comes the belligerence. Such a fucking brat.
Yes, actually I think a healthy sex life is very important in a relationship.
Healthy if you're using it as a means to an end instead of just as recreational intimacy?
Well, that's why we're here now, isn't it? Because I don't have any other obvious bargaining chips.
Jake laughed. At the very worst time ever. Which turned out to be good, because the therapist got to witness us argue briefly, to see both Jacob's total faultlessness and my purposeless, misunderstood, automatic compliance, as I deferred to him. As usual.
Bridget, why do you do that?
What?
Drop the argument and yield to Jacob?
I didn't even hear myself whisper it. So he doesn't leave me.
Therapy was stopped then, and it was decided that we were going to step up the frequency of the sessions because when they tell me I'm doing well they lie. It's a verbal pat on the head because I didn't fire anyone that session, or something. When they say I'm doing well I take it to mean that I'm almost normal again. Which colors me as an optimist, because when they say I'm doing well, what they really mean is that I'm progressing normally for a totally fucked up girl. Textbook.
And because pressing myself against the inside of the truck door isn't very comfortable I sit like a robot beside Jake on the drive home. Wait for it, wait for it...here we go.
Why can't you believe that I'm not leaving you?
Because trust takes time.
Oh, and you can't trust me? After all this time?
I can't trust anyone, Jake.
Then why did you say you could before? What changed?
Nothing, I just decided telling you what you want to hear isn't going to make this feeling go away.
What feeling?
The fear that this is all a dream and you're not real. That you'll leave. People say things they don't mean every single day, Jacob.
Well, I don't. I'm real. You are not sometimes. Bridget, when I touch you I feel like I'm in heaven and it's not real. You're too good to be true. When I go to sleep at night I pray that I won't wake up in the morning and find you've changed your mind. That you don't really want me, because you're too beautiful and I'm just a servant. That you'll find some great new guy who will take you out of this godforsaken place for good and give you everything, with none of the bad memories we have in our past.
I'm never leaving you. Ever.
Okay then I need another promise. Promise me you'll never stop making me laugh like you did today. Because I knew exactly what was going through your pretty little head even as you said something completely different. You're impossible. I couldn't help laughing out loud.
My purse bounced harmlessless off his head and we almost went off the road laughing. He is better therapy than the professionals that cost us money.
