I can't even believe this.
After about the fourth "Are you pregnant?" call I received Sunday afternoon I finally turned off the phone. I was content to play outside with the kids in the shade and not talk to anyone else. I get so tired of talking to everyone all the time, sometimes I just need a break.
Not a good excuse. Jake came home early. He was concerned because my phone was off. I explained that I needed a break and he pushed me. He said he was trying to make life easier and what did I need? I said I needed time. Because this was a rough trip to hell and back and I really need to catch my breath. I said I needed to figure out that Cole was dead in my heart, or I wouldn't get past this moment.
Oh, that was not the right thing to say.
Jake asked me what I meant, and where my confidence went. I spat back that maybe I still loved Cole, and life was vastly different than it ever was in April when I thought Cole and I had settled into an acceptable level of closeness. We were doing sort of almost okay. Not healthy by any means, but okay.I know it was my denial but it was livable. And Cole worked every day, all day, far into most nights, I had all the time in the world to charm Jacob and hang out and be the centre of attention, the life of the party. My ego was the size of Jacob's beautiful heart.
What the hell am I now, huh, Jake?
The preacher's girlfriend, the poor widow. She got her hand slapped hard. She sold her soul to the devil and paid a price so high she's still not fully one hundred percent sure she can cover that bill. There is no ego left to be had here. Sorry but once I finish reeling from the blows then maybe I can find the girl who used to live here. She's around here somewhere.
I got all this fucking baggage out there and I think he heard one thing.
I. still. love. Cole.
Oh, ouch. Jake slammed his fist down on the table and scowled. I jumped a thousand feet into the air and screamed at him to never do that again. He got up and came around the table and he put his hand down to my face and ran his fingers down my cheek and then he got on his knees and put his head in my lap. He held my knees and didn't move but I could feel him shaking so hard. Finally he looked up and his eyes were so red. He shook his head and told me I might be thinking this is all a big mistake or a dream or hell (he choked on that word, I think that's what he said) but for him it's worth every difficult moment and if we've gone through all this and we're not closer and I'm still clinging to the wrong guy then he doesn't know where to go from here.
Then he told me when I had an answer to let him know. And that he was going to step away now and let me stand on my own two feet so that I could make this decision on my own.
I shook my head. I think I was in a full-blown panic but all I remember is trying to keep a death grip on his hand so he wouldn't go. I remember yelling at him that he made me a promise and he couldn't walk out now. Oh, he did. He walked out backwards, tears and bitterness staining his face and he told me that his promise stands, and when I'm done loving the monster then maybe I would give the good guy a real chance at last.
He did it knowing full well I still had to get through the rest of the afternoon and evening alone with the kids. So even though I wanted to cave into newfound grief and fall apart I couldn't and he knew that and he used it.
I want to hate him and I can't.
Now it's 10 pm and I'm stubborn and so afraid all at the same time. He left 8 hours ago. I don't want to call him but I don't know where he is. What if his phone is off? What if he was just tired of all this and changed his mind? What if he doesn't come back?
What if I am pregnant?
No, I can't be, I felt so much better today. Well, I did. Now I just feel sick. And I'm stuck like this. I can't drink, I can't fall apart because there's no one here to take over. I don't want to call any friends after blowing most of them off today already. I'm humiliated and I'm scared and I'm sick to death with worry. There was one person in this entire world that I could open my soul to, tell every last secret to, and depend on to catch me when I fell, one person that I love without question or hesitation and I don't know what to do right this minute because I don't think I've ever been in this position before.
I don't want to be alone.
