I'm talking to myself this morning. A mile a minute. Ranting. Blubbering. You will fall behind. Sorry. Oh, and it's going to have to be a cliffhanger. I can't fucking do this. Somebody shut me up.
The first step would be to acquiesce and stop challenging the past, no, Bridget?
Jacob is at his office. The kids are playing up in the playroom and I just sat down to write for an hour and finish a pot of coffee and the doorbell rings and in the space of thirty seconds I am reeling again. And possibly more. Sitting in my lap is an envelope with our test results. Couriered over because we arranged to have them sent over rather than waiting and having to go to more appointments. I didn't expect it until Monday. I'm not opening this envelope. I want the cameras off. This is not reality TV, it's my fucking life.
Last week: A blow up an hour after we came back from the lab, in which Jacob lost his patience for my endless troubled chatter about how Henry couldn't possibly be his son brought it back around to reality.
Bridget. Stop.
Can't.
It's not such a big secret. The people who need to know, know and we can't change any of it.
It shouldn't have to count.
But it does and you have to admit it to yourself.
Again, Can't.
What if he's mine?
Then we'll cross that bridge when we get to it.
We can cross it now. We need to deal with this.
We need to wait. Otherwise we waste time talking and find out our fears are unfounded. Then what?
Then at least everything is out in the open and we go forward. We keep getting held back by loose ends and unresolved arguments.
No, we're not being held back or we wouldn't have gone and had those tests.
And around it goes in a vicious circle that will cease today. Jacob is half-paralyzed with anxiety over this. It's so hard for him you can't even imagine. After everything there is still so much hell to go through and it's awful. It feels so awful and yet I feel the same paralysis. I really wish I could hold someone's hand right now. I'm going to throw up.
What would you do if you suddenly discovered a child you knew was yours?
What have you missed?
Sure Jacob has been here, he's been around, he's changed diapers and rocked babies to sleep and comforted and walked for miles and hours with the little reflux king and he's bought things and been there for first steps and fun times, and been the best godfather ever.
He's been out of sight for months when we moved, when he travelled, when things were okay and Cole and I called a moratorium on hurting each other and tried to be a better family.
He hasn't been there for ultrasounds, for frightening emergency c-sections, or well baby checkups and for the neverending dead-of-night feedings. He hasn't been able to stand there and look at Henry and say "That is my son." and feel the pride that only a father feels. He hasn't been able to claim that role. No one can give that time back to him if we find out he is Henry's father. Regrets I wish to bury forever and I can't.
Oh, but Bridge, you were so convinced that he couldn't possibly be Henry's father. (Just like I talked myself into being happily married to Cole. Wow, I'm that good. Guileful. Huh.)
No, sorry, I'm only convinced he cannot be Ruth's father.
Henry? Oh, there's a very tiny small possibility. A loss of control. We lost our fucking minds for around five minutes that resulted in nothing except for, well, admitting we lost control. A moment where we couldn't step away from each other so we stepped in closer until we fit together like a puzzle that was finally complete. Fireworks all the way around. Too close. Too hot. Too much. So right. So fucking right.
What in the hell are we doing?
We stopped before we had barely started and we never acknowledged it out loud to each other ever again until earlier this week. Jake took the high road and I walked the low alone.
That alone is where the outside chance comes from and why I can never let myself off the hook for being a bad wife. Rolling over in bed and finding Jacob there because he fell asleep sitting up watching me sleep because I was so damned tired. This was the morning after the hayride and that kiss because when I composed myself and finally drove back to the cottage and sent the neighbor home and got Ruth tucked in that night, Jake showed up, full of apologies for forcing himself on me. He wasn't to be blamed-I didn't stop him, did I?
He asked me if I really did love him.
Of course I did. What a stupid question and I'm in so far over my head I may as well fall apart, which I did. I cried so hard and he held me. When I woke up he was still there. I started to ask him if he was okay and he kissed me instead. Again.
We're just full of great ideas, you know.
It felt so good to be in his arms. From that moment on there would never be another place I ever want to be more than right there. The kissing led to shirts being pulled up and jeans being pulled off, and oh my god what the hell are we doing? But it was five minutes of heaven before we remembered that I was married and not to him and we stopped cold. Reluctantly. Hesitantly. Nothing was completed, if you know what I mean. Bittersweet? That doesn't come close to describing those minutes.
But technically, it counts on all fronts. I cheated. I cheated but was cheated out of my cheating by our collective conscience and so I allowed myself to pretend it never happened. But it counts as the outside chance that Henry could be Jacob's son. I took sex education. Withdrawal? Doesn't make you safe. It only makes it easier to sleep at night because you can say you never did the deed, my friend. Bridget, you're a liar.
Cole knew. Because I had to tell him. I didn't tell him about the kiss because I didn't want him to know about it for some crazy reason I still don't understand but I did tell him I slept with Jake. I didn't want to tell him, Jake wanted to and he said if I didn't, he would have to. Jake was never afraid of Cole, Jake is only afraid of himself. So I did, verbally tripping and visibly shaking. Cole was not surprised, only angry, everything you would expect. But he forgave me after he forgave Jacob first. Because he could use this. Against me.
Where do you think Cole got the fodder for all his sexual fantasy stories?
He knew I liked it. He knew I wished he was Jake and he knew I wanted more. One bite, one taste of Jake-cake wasn't nearly enough. I wanted the whole plateful. Cole forgives too fucking easily.
I wasn't even looking for payback. I'm impossible to contain, and hard to love. Because I'm easily distracted by beauty just as much as everyone around me. And while they're all watching every move I make I am prone to huge life-altering mistakes. It's a history. It's a mess.
The timing. The timing is what destroys all hopes of redemption because it was perfect.
And as much as we both crave having a child that is part of us and what we have, in this case it would be better if Henry is Cole's biological son because it will prevent a fresh helping of pain. We learned our lesson. These admissions, both so publically now and privately become a tangible proof to us that we didn't go through all of this for nothing. We're taking our knocks for not being good people when we were supposed to be. I will take being judged because oh my god, he is so worth it. No one will ever possibly come close to understanding these feelings I hold for Jacob. That deflects the harsh judgement of those around me. For once in my life my heart is kevlar. I am impervious to your derision. You can't hurt me with your supposition anymore.
No, it wasn't a crush.
No, it wasn't boredom.
No, it wasn't even opportunity.
It was love. I didn't expect it and neither did he but it happened in spite of everything I did to try and keep him away from me. I couldn't. I didn't want to. I never even made a half-assed attempt to be proper.
And I won't apologize for that any longer. Nope. Done. Letting it go. I don't believe there are any more secrets aside from whatever is contained within this envelope.
Now if nobody minds I'm going to go squeeze my eyes tightly closed and ball up my little fists and steady myself for the outcome here. Can't stop it now, we're on a roll here. With magnificent fallout. Magnificent.
Oh Christ, listen to what's on the stereo:
Heaven bent to take my hand
And lead me through the fire
Be the long awaited answer
To a long and painful fight
Truth be told I've tried my best
But somewhere along the way
I got caught up in all there was to offer
And the cost was so much more than I could bear
Jacob will be home for lunch and we'll open it then. No, I'm going to call him now because I can't breathe anymore and maybe I shouldn't have posted.
Wish us luck.
