Guess where I'm going now?
Never ever ask someone how they're doing an hour before. Never. Trust me.
Maybe I should write a handbook for ungracious widows.
Seriously. There is no place to put the uncivilized, disrespectful thoughts. The ones going through my head as I prepare to leave for the memorial *ahem* retrospective. The thoughts that say I had the last laugh after all of Cole's bullshit over the years. All the tears I shed for that man, the pain and humiliation and the doormat that I was to him. So where do you go to acknowledge being glad he is gone and positively disgusted to realize that you miss him? That you still love him?
Ack! I know. I know. I'm horrible.
Where do I put the euphorical ohmygodthemortgagewillbepaidoff thoughts with the ''who the hell is going to upgrade the wiring now and who will reassure me that the house will not burn down if we don't get to it right away" thoughts?
Where do I go to point out how hard I tried to love that man?
Where do I get the rights to make decisions on his behalf when I was so afraid of him I couldn't control the shaking? How does anyone expect me to do any of this according to his wishes? What about my wishes?
Oh , Bridge. Hello, you WISHED HE WAS DEAD.
I did, didn't I?
I'm not sorry I did that and I won't apologize for it. He'll get a last heaping dose of my petulance. He loved the lower lip sticking out, the refusal to talk to him when he was being awful. Here you go, Cole. He was human. I ruined something in him and I don't know what it was. I think I built up his badness and he had such big shoes to fill he became what I thought he was. And he used it to tear me down.
God help me if I do that again.
But.
I don't think I will.
For one thing, and oh yes, let's compare notes, shall we? Today of all days let's just stand them up side by side and share the details. No, just one.
Jacob has confidence in himself that Cole never ever had. No one believes me. It's true. So possibly he might emerge intact from falling down this rabbit hole into my world. Possibly. It's hard to tell. This morning Jacob told me if he could he would shield me from all of this and I would never have a sad, or scared thought in this world ever again.
Well, we all know what happens when you try to put Bridget in a box. To keep her safe. To keep her to yourself.
She bolts. She lets her heart wander away even though she's standing right next to you still.
Oddly this time there is exactly no place to go. The escape is here. Fantasy has collided with reality and I wound up with everything.
Take that to the afterlife you fucking asshole.
Cross my heart hope to die
Never meant to make you cry
