So maybe letting go is what makes it better. If I'm not reigning in the
wild personality glitches and emotional binges for some reason
nothing...happens. All this post traumatic stress bullshit just ebbs and
flows like the tide and I have no control and I thought that was what I
needed. Control. I looked and there it was.
I can push and shove
Jake so hard and he doesn't budge. Yet he'll stand there taking none of
my bullshit and simultaneously saying he'll be here as many times as I
need to hear it and I love him to death for it.
He said Let it go, Bridge.
And
I did. I just said it and left it there. And we're all still vertical.
No one's insulted, no one's had enough, no one went off the deep end or
fell apart. And I took very deep breaths and he kissed my forehead and
just held his lips there, against my skin. He matched my breathing. I
closed my eyes and the neverending adrenaline rush and fear suddenly
wasn't there anymore. Would it be asking too much to just pray that it
holds?
And on a good note, we totally missed today's date. Jacob
is officially divorced. A long road for him that started over a year ago
when he made up his mind that he couldn't and wouldn't live without me
any longer. I can hardly believe it.
