Saltwater Princess

I feel nothing. They're all letting me drink. No idea who is watching my kids. My kids, not ours. Cole is dead. Dead. Do you not see how permanent that word is? I see it now. It's flat. One sound. Kind of like the sound of my head hitting something hard. When I come out of my fog it's going to hurt so I'm going to stay in it and then it won't be so bad. But you know what? I'll have to be the first one to say the selfish things, answer the loaded questions and figure out which end is up. Hell, I'm in charge. I sign everything. All questions will be asked of me. Who has all the power now? Thanks for passing it on. It might be enough to match the blame. No more prayers required. I'm up to my eyeballs. Jake is nowhere to be found. Well I know where he is but he should be here. He's tired of looking at the closed door. There is no comfort here. There is so much to do and I'm still stuck in one spot. Unreal. It feels unreal. I can't shut up my head. So I might possibly drink a little more and make it stop. Or maybe a lot more and finish it off. Shut the bitch up for good. Almost wrote for god there. How ironic. God isn't in today. My phone is ringing. Probably Jake. Who should be here because we need him. I don't think I could stand up if I tried. Let it ring.