Sorry to leave you hanging. There was no time earlier to come back. Why oh why didn't I keep the Vicodin? That would have helped today. Or something. A very stiff drink right now would be nice. No such luck. Jake gets one. He's not on antidepressants. Lucky guy.
Jacob is not Henry's biological father. 100% not. When the lawyer called to ask if we had the results she actually had the nerve to ask me if we were going to change Henry's middle name now. I promise I didn't swear at her out loud. I was a very good girl.
My relief was so fleeting. And then I realized that I was briefly given the bulletproof heart because someone had to hold us up. Because Jacob took his long overdue turn and fell apart. He went down in a spectacularly controlled measure of total anguish and it caught me by surprise because at no time did he reveal how much he wanted this because I wouldn't discuss it first. But Jake doesn't castigate me. He should, but he doesn't. I am unscathed. There is always the future. I'm done looking back now.
No, instead he got down on his knees beside the table and he asked God for comfort. And then he miserably looked at me like I was able to somehow channel it straight from heaven, as if it would come through me.
He says sometimes it does. And when the shock wears off, he'll be able to accept this as the best possible outcome under the circumstances. Jake is strong. A remarkable man. Just not a father yet. Not on this day.
Thanks for all the kind wishes. I'm off now to go breath very deeply and read some bedtime stories to the kids. The kids who are completely oblivious to all this. Oh to be five years old again.
