Things Bridget cannot live without
1. Love
2. Touch
3. Cake
4. Bobby pins
5. love songs
6. the atlantic ocean
7. Light
8. A soft place to rest her head
9. security
10. Jacob, Ruth and Henry
Ta-da. Therapy homework. Check.
The bobby pins wouldn't have ended up there. Jake suggested that. So technically I cheated and got help with my answers. I always have a couple of bobby pins stuck in my hair. To keep the whispies at bay fruitlessly, in case I have to pick a lock, or just because it's very retro. No idea. I wrote a blog entry once about one of my favorite memories of my mom being looking at her little Japanese lacquered box full of bobby pins and equating that with being a woman, with being beautiful. The entry is no longer on the web, when I started fresh in April, wiping off all the entries about daily life with Cole and the kids. I didn't want to see that anymore. Now it feels like none of it ever happened. I don't regret erasing him. I just don't. But alas, I am still heavily in the denial phase of grief. I hesitate to call it grief. I'm being honest. I sound like a monster.
I have so many bobby pins. hundreds maybe. I buy them by the sheet. I lose them everywhere. They have a tendency to slide out of my hair and down Jacob's collars and at the end of each day he finds them and returns them to the little metal box on my dresser.
There has to be a metaphor in there somewhere but I can't find it. Something about using pins to hold myself together or at least give that appearance but usually it fails to work and we're picking up the pieces every day.
Sometimes we do.
Sometimes we don't.
On less than confident days like today I'm just hoping the pins will hold. Because I want this. Jacob is confident they will and he says when they fall out we just put them back in. He says there is a metaphor. You can put the pins in, and eventually they loosen on their own, through movement, gravity, whathaveyou and periodically you push them back in tight. A metaphor for life. Keeping it tight, keeping it together, weaving in loose ends and restoring the pinned back order. Keeping watch for the parts that will eventually work their way loose once more, because it happens.
Oh he's so smart. I have lots of pins. This will work.
Must go get ready for church. Have a wonderful day.
