(Welcome to Bridget's brain 2.0. Now with footnotes! Because I love to spoil you.)
I am now the proud co-owner of a california king-sized bed. Possibly the Biggest Bed in the World.
Oh, the luxury. Say it with me folks, ooooooh.
Well, maybe save it until next week, when it's actually delivered and Jake takes his life into his hands trying to get that giant bed up the 100 year old staircase. If I knew when king sized beds were invented, well, the house was most likely built before then.
But it's wonderful to know most of our sleeping issues will soon be over.* We're not doing so hot in that department. The queen-sized bed is too small. It was okay for him by himself but not both of us. Everytime Jacob moves he wakes himself up and then I wake up and well, it takes hours to get back to sleep because sometimes when we wake up we're lucid enough to remember that we're together. In bed. The only clothing between us consisting of my pink camisole. Kids are asleep. And Christmas never ends in this house anymore. Or something.
He's a free climber in his sleep. I half expect him to show up to bedtime with his nalgene bottle and a chaulk bag. Spiderman. Tormented. Something. Not like I had a lot of experience in this area but do people really move around this much while they're asleep? I don't move at all. Well, sometimes I have one of those giant just-about-asleep twitches in which you feel like you're falling off something, but otherwise I don't move. Not an inch. A statue.
Jake? Never. stops. moving. He throws himself around like he's scaling rock faces. He takes me with him. I think God maybe put us together so we could touch each other all the time and leave everyone else the hell alone. Because when he moves, he moves me.
We start off with Jake flat on his back, his arms pulling me close. I usually lie on my side and attempt to put my head somewhere besides his armpit. He lies on the diagonal. I squish my arms in between us. Within about an hour he turns on his side to face me. An hour later he shoves me up toward the corner of the bed and kicks his legs out across the middle. Then he wakes up and kisses me like he hasn't seen me in weeks. Oh lord. Okay now skip forward an hour (shhhh) he still has his arms around me and he's got the entire bed to himself and I'm hanging off the edge, the only thing keeping me off the floor is his embrace and his hand is tangled in my hair and oh shit if I fall this is going to hurt like hell. Eventually I get pulled back in close and he does a timed choreography in which he shifts from breathing on my head to facing the other way to face down in the mattress with his legs splayed out scaling that imaginary building, me tucked under him in his arms like he's running away with the treasure of a lifetime.
I'm surprised we haven't had a horrific Bridget-squishing incident yet.
In his dreams he is taking me away from the monsters. God bless him. Jacob may be the most laid-back person you will ever meet but he is not relaxed, even in his sleep. He insists it's been going on for years and he does sleep through most of it, not a big deal.
Riiiight.
Wait a minute. In his dreams he's been saving me for years? Oh my dear god someone bronze this man.
The reality is that no one is sleeping. I wake up while he's in the middle of rearranging where I was sleeping just fine and it's very disconcerting.
I'm moving! Fuck! What the hell is going on?! And then I realize I'm in the bedroom and the quilt is the same and the clock says whatever time is more than an hour ago and I look and Co...I mean Jake, phew okay yes it's Jake and I can relax and I am safe and great now I feel weird and I need to snuggle in closer because his strong tanned arms represent my life and ahh now I can get back to sleep no wait he's awake and we're just going to reaffirm everything and taste possibly every happiness we can make right here in the dark long hours of this night. Every night.
So the plan is to hope and pray that the extra 48-square-inches of real estate on the new bed will fix all this. No, not the sex part you idiot. The being able to sleep at all.
*Now that I've written it out I have my doubts.
