I know it's over
I was born a choker
Nobody's coming for meI see no volunteers
To co-sign on my fears
I'll sign on the line
Ben's doing great. He doesn't want me to write a lot and so I don't/haven't but I have permission to today. The part about needing a cane has been a long time coming. He had one after the hospital but then was able to do away with it (or so we thought) through last fall to spring but this summer has shown us that he truly needs it with him for day-to-day use.
His body is super strong. Healthier than he has ever been, physically. He is clean, he can sleep through the night now and he exercises regularly to keep himself motivated or maybe to prove he is still where he wants to be.
Emotionally he isn't there, though and maybe that's the part he doesn't really like me talking about.
His brain also isn't getting the signals his body requires. Mentally he isn't strong. He remains easily frustrated, often confused, the words take forever and he's having a rough time coordinating his mind and body to work together. He's way too rough with me, way too gentle with things like closing the fridge or the truck doors, and he can't articulate what he's trying to get across without a mountain of patience from himself and whoever's listening which is not something we have, especially if it's important, timely or dangerous. If it's something funny he begins laughing so late sometimes some of us have forgotten the joke and already moved on.
He is struggling.
A lot.
His cutting wit and razor tongue have been replaced with a goofy chuckle and a soft smile. He won't roast you anymore but he'll invite you to come and sit with him and talk. It's like trading an attack doberman for a family golden retriever. He is different.
Everyone is struggling with it but honestly I love him like this. And maybe that's selfish but he finally has time for me. He finally is kind from the beginning instead of always starting off with the defence mechanism of an insult or a slam that is just harsh enough to make you briefly wonder if he even likes you before you see that you're his best friend after all, a position you'd be suddenly grateful for. You always had to brace and hold with Ben. He was honest but he would also call out your darkest flaws for all to see. Sam always said it was the program and that Ben was encouraging you to take your own inventory, never quite making the step of taking it for you.
He thinks I am pretending and that he isn't what I signed up for and it's taken all my energy every day to teach him otherwise but he is coming around, albeit slowly. Lochlan, too, has had to tell him to knock it the fuck off, that we aren't here playing any sympathy cards, that he is a part of us, because you can't spell us without three. I laughed right away. Ben laughed four minutes later but it warmed my heart so much if you rest your hand against my chest you can feel it radiating right through my skin.
That's what it feels like. I don't have to worry about being cool enough or quick enough, he is just there and happy to see me. Now his sudden declarations are things like I like watermelon (an hour after we eat it) and you're pretty (said to Duncan, not me) and it's incredible sweet.
But don't tell him I told you. He would hate it if you thought he was sweet.