It's Monday. Always a fresh start. August went back across the drive early this morning, after waking up and pulling me in against him for the slowest, hottest fuck I've had so far this week. He kissed Lochlan's cheek and got up, getting dressed in the dark, telling us he'll see us later, and then he closed the door so quietly on the way out I fell asleep waiting for the sound.
When I woke again it was late, Lochlan had scooped me in against his chest and I woke up in a cage of his arms, his breath on my eyebrows, his curls in my mouth as I tried to hold him right back, only he's bigger than me and his arms were blocking mine.
The fresh start is reacquainting ourselves with each other as individuals. It's learning to live in the fire again. It's getting so wound up with each other that we forget to breathe at all, forget that others have feelings or needs, forget that we need things like vitamins, vegetables or virtue.
I'm trying to do all this while still embracing summer's offerings, while learning boundaries with Caleb, while learning how to navigate my crippling grief and crushing immaturity, my wild fear, while learning how to let my children go and at the same time being there for them, while going through early menopause and trying to lose myself in the dirt of the garden or the sand of the beach every chance I get. My two favorite non-human places are in the sun, which is ironic, as I can't be.
I'm trying to heal my skin from Caleb's teeth marks after covering almost every square inch with tattoos to protect myself from the outside world after he taught me singlehandedly how dangerous it was. How I keep the devil close to my heart, how I opened my door to him, learning that my own needs were far more dangerous than living on the road with the shows, than strangers all around me, than my own thoughts in the dark, discounted for how they were formed. I get credibility for nothing in life because of this man and yet I love him so and some nights it feels as if all of Lochlan's work is for nothing. All of his efforts to shape me into a good person destroyed in that first night and for the rest of my life.
But it's Monday and like I said, it's a fresh start.