It's four o'clock in the morningBen couldn't hit the notes, citing a headache coming on and I refused to help him.
Damn it listen to me good
I'm sleeping with myself tonight
Saved in time, thank God my music's still alive
Just do it, Bee. Please.
Not that song. That song is a catalyst for misery and I can't, Ben.
Misery is your blood.
We're not going to do this right now.
This is a pointed, sharp conversation because Ben lost some time during/after his accident and he's angry because I didn't save him, Caleb did. He would have died had Caleb not been there. The irony is that he wouldn't have landed on his head on concrete had Caleb not been there.
(AND BUTTERFLIES ARE FREE TO FLY-)
We'll do it later. I cut him off even as the notes are now swirling in my head but I'm just trying to outrun/hurry through the notes in Tiny Dancer, the song that comes next on my Elton John smart playlist because I organized it to tell a story and Elton knows how to bring the feels.
My life is a fucking musical, and it's two weeks today since Caleb hurt Ben so badly it's permanently changed not only Ben's life but all of our lives as we try to 'navigate our new normal' as Ben's doctors keep telling us, causing me to swear out loud and yell something about nothing ever being normal in our lives, that where I come from 'normal' is a dirty word but hurting each other is absolutely not allowed and that resulted in a dramatic moment where Lochlan physically carried me out of the conference room in a bear hug while I pointed out Ben could hurt every last one of the boys but the difference is he WOULDN'T and he's absolutely untouchable and the 'new normal' is that maybe Caleb should leave.
Sorry, I have moments like that. Moments where I hate everyone, moments where everything is scary and wrong and a lump comes up in my throat and it hurts so fucking bad.
They wanted me to talk to one of their crisis counsellors thinking this was all reactionary for what's happened but over the course of Ben's stay the nurses have gotten our whole life story but not the doctors and they get the high-level emotional wave we ride in and out on, they somehow understand that nothing about any of this is normal, nor will it ever be.
But today I can't see Jesus, just vengeance. Today I'm a superhero with no power, I'm a livewire and they've already cut the breaker, I'm a mess and no one has a mop.
Jesus Christ, Sam says as I unload all of this on the table when Caleb arrives at the hospital to help Ben sing and I leave so fast I break a nail on the door going out.
I told you! He's not even here today! I yell it at Sam. I don't mean to but like they said, it's probably reactionary.
Right.