In the end after an impromptu vote the households declined my new mega holiday and so we decorated for Halloween only, which is nice because it's also Schuyler and Daniel's wedding anniversary and it's a very special time of year for them.
I will bite my tears back and be happy for them. Which isn't hard to do at all, it just went from one of my favorite times of year my whole life to one that brings up memories of the hardest times and it's not something I can forget or get past. My grief doesn't go away or lessen or fade. It blocks the damned door and I have to climb over it just to get out of my mental cage in the morning.
I'm high-functioning.
I'm actually sure that's not it. After waiting a few years to see the new John Wick movie I promptly fell hard asleep last night during the biggest gun battle and missed the ending, waking up in time for the credits.
For fucks sakes.
Lochlan thought it was hilarious. I even pregamed with a second cup of coffee at lunchtime and then a giant glass of Dr. Pepper with dinner which did nothing.
PJ suggested I watch movies standing up from now on.
It's not even a comfort thing. I do the same thing at the shitty movie theatre with it's hard upright seats, someone kicking my seat repeatedly until they get my murderous suggestion that they stop. It's like movies are my kryptonite. They signal a slow down. A kick back and relax. That's not an easy thing for me to do. As I say if I stop moving I'll fall asleep.
Yes there are narcolepsy drugs that will help the falling asleep. Stimulants. You know, those things that cause anxiety. So yeah, no thank you. And headaches. Double-no-thank-you. I will fall asleep here and there and someone will cover for me, tell me the ending, or rescue my coffee from my hands.
I don't know why I went on that tangent. Anyway, Schuyler's coming home tonight and he's going to be happy and surprised that his house is already completely decorated for their Halloversary. They're a beautiful, loving couple and I'm proud of what they've evolved into. They are what most couples aspire to be, or should if they don't already.
On that note, it's a cozy rainy day (aren't they all, suddenly. Welcome fall in the PNW. If I had known it would be this abrupt I would have asked someone to mow the grass just before it started because now we can't and it's long) and I've deployed one of Lochlan's older too-tight-for-his-arms (ha this is not a problem if you ask me) flannel shirts to warm my bones while I enjoy a coffee and headphones and tunes before the whole house wakes up. Started the laundry (it's Dalton's day but I'll help) and am waiting on the dog. I think he's passed out on Ruth's bed. She ends up with all the pets these days.
I'll get a little while longer in before the house erupts into a typical morning.
I will bite my tears back and be happy for them. Which isn't hard to do at all, it just went from one of my favorite times of year my whole life to one that brings up memories of the hardest times and it's not something I can forget or get past. My grief doesn't go away or lessen or fade. It blocks the damned door and I have to climb over it just to get out of my mental cage in the morning.
I'm high-functioning.
I'm actually sure that's not it. After waiting a few years to see the new John Wick movie I promptly fell hard asleep last night during the biggest gun battle and missed the ending, waking up in time for the credits.
For fucks sakes.
Lochlan thought it was hilarious. I even pregamed with a second cup of coffee at lunchtime and then a giant glass of Dr. Pepper with dinner which did nothing.
PJ suggested I watch movies standing up from now on.
It's not even a comfort thing. I do the same thing at the shitty movie theatre with it's hard upright seats, someone kicking my seat repeatedly until they get my murderous suggestion that they stop. It's like movies are my kryptonite. They signal a slow down. A kick back and relax. That's not an easy thing for me to do. As I say if I stop moving I'll fall asleep.
Yes there are narcolepsy drugs that will help the falling asleep. Stimulants. You know, those things that cause anxiety. So yeah, no thank you. And headaches. Double-no-thank-you. I will fall asleep here and there and someone will cover for me, tell me the ending, or rescue my coffee from my hands.
I don't know why I went on that tangent. Anyway, Schuyler's coming home tonight and he's going to be happy and surprised that his house is already completely decorated for their Halloversary. They're a beautiful, loving couple and I'm proud of what they've evolved into. They are what most couples aspire to be, or should if they don't already.
On that note, it's a cozy rainy day (aren't they all, suddenly. Welcome fall in the PNW. If I had known it would be this abrupt I would have asked someone to mow the grass just before it started because now we can't and it's long) and I've deployed one of Lochlan's older too-tight-for-his-arms (ha this is not a problem if you ask me) flannel shirts to warm my bones while I enjoy a coffee and headphones and tunes before the whole house wakes up. Started the laundry (it's Dalton's day but I'll help) and am waiting on the dog. I think he's passed out on Ruth's bed. She ends up with all the pets these days.
I'll get a little while longer in before the house erupts into a typical morning.