First person.

Batman was in the kitchen this morning and Caleb steadfastly refused to entertain any further disappointment, calling his rule a reflex action borne out of concern only and purely hyperbolic, not literal. He then all but shoved me right out the front door as he said I might be late for work and should check the time, because Jesus. It is late, but not too late to see that his missteps are now going to be scrutinized, dissected and overturned the moment he reaches too far or does too much. 

She has a head injury, he'll hiss at anyone who gives him the time of day, though I've now been seen by the doctor who said he didn't think I did but just to be sure we need to watch for the usual suspects and also I should probably take it easy for a few weeks. 

Right. So I promptly changed into my work dress and went to work. I work most holiday Mondays because it's time and a half. 

And I was tired. Tired enough that I rang up Batman a couple hours early and asked if he could come pick me up. He agreed, but only on the promise of taking me out for dinner tonight, if Lochlan agreed. 

At one sharp I was outside. At 1:02 sharp Lochlan pulled up. 

He glared at me. Lochlan doesn't agree, he said and laughed. Don't just go from one to the other, Bridge. 

It was dinner. I insist weakly. Too tired to argue. 

It's never just dinner. It's pieces of your soul. I try to be patient but you really need to have some real rest and not the pretend kind you think we don't notice isn't real. 

Huh. It always used to work. 

(Did you sleep, Bridgie? He would ask when I was all but wrecked, jittery and loopy from being awake for hours, watching his eyeballs move under their lids, sure that he was reading Shakespeare in his dreams, or maybe Edgar Allan Poe.

Yes, I lied. Every single time.)

It never worked, Peanut. I just let you think it did. 

Sunday breakfast crow surprise.

I picked up my phone early this morning, while Caleb was attempting to make me coffee, and when Sam answered in his customary alarmed voice with a forced-casual Hey, I told him, my eyes glassy and my voice thick, that I wouldn't be able to come to church today because I'm a captive in this house until the snow is gone for the year, or maybe longer, I don't know exactly. I said all of this while staring at Caleb who stopped making coffee and stood and stared back at me, expressionless. Oh, maybe a hint of disappointment as I ratted him out faster than the rat can run or maybe a bit of surprise that I didn't say who was keeping me captive because there's only one person who tries this kind of shit.

It wasn't even a cry for help, it was simply a relaying of information in case I was missed.

Sam laughs and asks if I need him right now. He doesn't give Caleb an inch.

No, I'm okay. Just going to take a self-care day, I guess. 

And do what? 

Indoor chores. It's become a running joke that I don't know how to relax. Or maybe just always an overlying sad fact. It's rare and it's difficult but I can certainly do it so give me the credit, at least.

I'll be over later. 

Later meant three minutes, and Sam shows up in his suit and he's pissed. He asks me to give them a moment, and my eyes wide, I do, heading back upstairs where Lochlan isn't even all that upset if it means he doesn't have to go to church either.

When I come back down a half hour later, Caleb is sitting in front of a now-cold, untouched cup of coffee and he looks a little shell-shocked.

What happened? 

He gazes at me for several long minutes and I wonder if he's going to fib and say it's all fine or actually tell me the truth but since he lives here now he has nothing to hide and opts, surprisingly, for truth.

I've been threatened by a minister before so this isn't my first rodeo but this is the first time I've ever had no desire to push back, because he's...right. 

About what?

Everything. About everything, Neamhchiontach. 

The princess who cried enough tears to make an ocean, and other fairy tales for a snow Saturday.

Instead of retrofitting the rest of the house, Caleb...well, he banned me from 'outside' chores.

Instead of child locks, rounded corners and his beloved electric fence  as it is, and it's enough, he attempted to confine me and for that he got a whole stack of pre-sharpened, dangerously lethal words, short ones, though, mostly because I ran out of patience with his attempts to enforce rules he has no business making, in a house where he isn't in charge.

I'm only trying to protect y-

DON'T EVEN!

Then he cuts me out of the conversation, and proceeds to implore anyone who will listen that my irrational, incendiary temper is proof that I must have suffered some sort of severe head injury and I should be seen.

It's a bump. Leave me be. But I'm talking to a wall.

He just keeps saying things, and I wish now that I had left him in the boathouse where I could get away from him. I always want what isn't there and so now I miss Sam something fierce. The moment Sam comes back I'll miss Caleb. Maybe I did hurt my brain. Maybe next I'll fall asleep for a hundred years and then a prince will come and give me a kiss and I'll wake up and we'll live happily ever after. Pigs will fly through the skies and the prince will be named Jacob and he'll probably act like nothing happened and I'll just start crying and never be able to stop. Every again.

Maybe I should just stay inside. Pick a fairy tale. Pick a prince. Pick a beast if you will but whatever you do, please don't tell the princess what to do or she'll run right out of the story and never be seen again.

Let's play head injury or sleep deprivation? (I'll go first.)

I got flowers. I got a good arch to my back and I screamed into the hand covering my mouth and Lochlan said afterward that he was just getting started. I smiled and I didn't see the upright side of the world until the sun came up and then we made coffee and everyone sort of appeared and Caleb said something awful and Lochlan threw a good punch that PJ blocked but only the second half (with his face) and now it's all just a typical Friday.

I went outside to finish clearing the driveway (since even the smallest of the giants who live here has to do her part) and slipped on the ice and whacked my head on the side of Ben's truck. Might have cried for a moment, sitting there in a puddle and then finished the shovelling, soaking wet, all the while plotting a move to Fiji, or at least somewhere where snow and bears aren't a threat.

I don't think that's a good plan though. I hate the heat, and I hate bugs. I don't like tsunamis or typhoons or tourists either.

What do I like?

The heated part of the driveway, for one, and the fact that I finally found a cheap side of Caleb in that when they extended the driveway they only put heating in the new parts and not in the original part. So half the driveway is ice, the other half is bare brick and concrete.

The moment he finds out that I wiped out and smashed my head again he'll have the whole thing torn up and replaced with a horizontal volcano and I will never have to worry about ice again. And he'll expect credit for playing the hero when he's done nothing of the kind. The real hero to today's story kept me up all night and while I'm not complaining, I'm really, really cranky now. 

Death gospel valentines.

Hear me out
Hear me out

And I long for a day like this again
When I’ll never lose control

And some days I feel like the saddest, smallest evil overlord king, my oversized, beautiful subjects doing my bidding, bringing me small sacrifices they think will please me, and then once they've won my favour they take a deep shuddering breath, knowing that for the moment, they are safe.

Safe.

(I don't know what that is.)

(Shhhhh. Leave her be. Leave her mine.)

Duncan did that this morning, sleepily handing me my headphones, digging through his music, finding something I hadn't heard before. He ran his warm hand down my back, pulling the blankets back up over me as I drifted off to sleep on a droning, intoning guitar sound that reminded me that I might need a new crown. Maybe silver instead of gold this time. I think silver might be harder, and I've eroded this one down to a halo, points worn to blunted dunes over a empty sea.

(The song was A.A. Williams, Control. What a masterpiece.)

Just over here continuing to break my (former) psychoanalyst.

Breathe out so I can breathe you in
Hold you in

The angel wings tattooed on my back couldn't save me from Joel's scrutiny, much as they should have served as absolution from his own warped brand of judgement.

You seem happier lately. 

I frown at him. Practicing gratitude. 

This one of Sam's programs? 

Jake's. It's a warning that he sails right over, leapfrogging into his agenda, a man with a mission. I'm still not even sure what his mission is, to be honest, though I believe he's been tasked with mapping my heart, soul and mind. Good luck, Joel. It's going to take you the rest of your life. Or maybe longer. Your descendants will probably have to take up your life's work and continue on with-

Bridget. 

Yes??

Where did you go just now? 

I was just thinking that every time you show up and start flinging doors open in my head all the ghosts and the drafts and the dark come in and then I can't clear it all out by myself. 

Your visuals make me weep. 

I've heard that before but it doesn't change things. 

I just want to be on the front side of any landslides in the future. I want to make sure things are well and that most of all you are happy. 

I'd be happier if you weren't here trying to gauge the value of that happiness. 

Does he-

Not even within your limits, Joel. The topic is me. Not my relationships. 

Is this a New Year's Res-

No, it's a boundary and you can't cross it. 

What if I need to? In an emergency. 

There won't be any. 

He waits a few heartbeats, assessing his next move. Our conversations are chess games, world wars, a simple duel waged without armor.

Will you call if you need me? 

Someone will. 

I just-

I wait and say nothing. He's having a strange time trying to be composed, indifferent and yet caring too.

I want you to be well. 

Trying my best. 

I think going back to work has helped. 

Great. Yes, I'm too tired to be insane. 

No, I think it gave you a different narrative to take up some space. Maybe quiet the ghosts. 

Or I'm the greatest actress that ever was. 

That's what scares me right now, Bridget. And I'm not easily frightened.

Noble warming.

I begged for mercy and won ruthlessness, there in the dark, in the quiet snowfall that coated the point with an eerie unnatural light. I asked for leniency and won strictness, there in the light, in the quiet snowfall that coated the day, too. A day conducted in an eerie unnatural light that saw a sea-change in the morning tides, a literal shift floating on the waves in which a devil learns to be an angel again, of sorts, and one in which an angel is a little devilish sometimes too.

Don't get up, Neamhchiontach. It's a snow-day. Everything is mostly closed. Universities. High Schools. Stores and restaurants too. Mine's not. My restaurant was open.

Of course.

I have to go.

I put on my new shearling sweater and went in. Lochlan drove me in the Jeep. We didn't talk much, enjoying the snow, the quiet roads, the sleepy-Tuesdayness of life. He held my hand when he wasn't in 4-hi and we made it to my job in record time.

Maybe they'll let you go early? He squints through the windshield at the sky, obscured by snowclouds and huge flakes falling fast and heavily now.

Maybe. I get a hard kiss on the lips and he pulls away from the door.

I pour coffee and serve plates all day, automatically, remiss if I was to say I didn't focus one bit on my job. I was too busy thinking about the ruthlessness, too busy thinking about the strictness, too busy thinking about the Devil in a new place in my life and if he'll stay put there or force himself back into bad habits and while I expect the latter, I hope very fervently for the former.

A chore, a dance, a plan.

Caleb is fresh from a round of shovelling with Lochlan and they return to the kitchen, both with messy hair, ruddy cheeks and the sort of exhausted camaraderie I like best. Caleb grabs me in a tight bearhug, growling a laugh while Lochlan puts his cold hands on the back of my neck. I shriek and Caleb lets go but Lochlan does not, pulling me in tight, pushing his hands up the back of my sweater until I beg him for mercy. 

There will be no mercy here today!

Some tonight then? I smile charmingly at him as he moves his hands to the outside of my sweater again. 

He smiles but says nothing. I am spun back to Caleb who tells me if I want mercy tonight I'll have to beg for it, but he's smiling with his eyes when he says it. Was I cold? I'm not cold anymore. 

I nod, kind of surprised that their hour of shoveling resulted in such a warm exchange. 

What time? He kisses me hard on the mouth. 

Ah..

Lochlan pulls me back into his arms, answering for me. Nine. Nine-thirty. He's gazing into my eyes. I nod. 

Yeah. If that's not too late. 

You decide, Neamhchiontach. 

(I thought I did.) Nine-thirty is fine. 

Maybe the snow will get heavier. Can you imagine if the point gets snowed-in? 

I can't, actually. 

Oh, I can. Might be nice to be cut off from the world. 

(I thought we were.) True. 

Or we could have a self-imposed snow day. 

(I think I will.)

Three twists and a winch.

In a perfectly predictable twist of fate the windshield wipers on the Porsche refused to work until I got out and started them with my hand. Now they're fine.

(She goes in for service and a new battery in two weeks, and maybe now a wiper motor. All stuff in the frunk. Hang on girl, you got this.)

In yet another, we discovered this morning that when the custodian mops the sanctuary at Sam's church, he carefully closes all of the furnace vents in the floor first, so as not to get water down into the ductwork. Which explains why the church is so fucking cold every Sunday morning. Sam and Lochlan and I opened all of the vents again and it was almost toasty in there this morning. I was so delighted I didn't even fall asleep. Not even once.

In a third twist, Canada Revenue has decided to not release the 2018 tax package until this coming February 18. Which is the same day netfile goes live. Which means I can't do a thing except continue to collect paperwork for another week and don't have to do tax work today. It's a short week too, with Henry having a school inservice and Ruth only going three days a week for her university classes. It's supposed to be cold and snowy and awful out, much like it has been the past two weeks. I wish the Olympics were on but it's an odd year.

So what would you like to do this afternoon, Peanut? 

Watch King of the Hammers for offroading tips and drink hot chocolate. 

Sounds good to me.

My fingers are cold and the power is still out at every second stoplight and you're supposed to treat it like a four-way stop, assholes.

Stood outside in the freezing cold today and learned to use a rivet gun. Learned to pop out my taillights and pop out the gas cap trim. Learned how to shop for plasma cutters on sale. Learned how to drive in 4-lo again, still a little concerned about my strength and ability to jam that shift knob all the way back up.

Learned I still like Burger King fries better than the others, but fries from Five Guys are still the best of the lot. Five Guys is just really uh...too...warehousey for me. I like ambience. Burger King has way more ambience than Five Guys and it actually has almost none. But almost none is more than none at all so there you go.

I'm exceeding opinionated about things most people hardly stop to consider.

I found a shearling-lined zip-up plain hoodie that's kinda nice for work. If I'm still cold after Monday I'll let the Devil win and quit but then I'll start looking for a job in a warmer place but also not, because I broiled last summer. I'll look for something in a climate-controlled place. Like an auto supply store, as I've spent more time lately at Princess Auto and Lordco, Napa and Canadian Tire than ever before.

(And the dealership, because that's where all the really good parts come from.)

The Jeep is mostly outfitted the way I want now too, barring a good cage and roof rack and then subsequent kayaks on top. And a tent. And maybe the jeep-top hammock. Because freedom panels. I've got 'em.

Places, everything.

Oh..shit. Was bored and when I'm bored I tend to get into trouble. I watch weird things on Netflix. Usually they're too weird to even talk about but this time...well, this time I watched Tidying Up with Marie Kondo and now we're all completely and utterly...fucked. 

The boys like the show. Because we're all about self-improvement over here anyway and because half of them, or perhaps five-quarters of them (at least) are burgeoning metrosexuals as it is, they've decided we need to do that. Purge. Tidy. Organize. 

Nevermind this house is as neat as a pin. One of the funnest, most horrible parts of living in a communal family environment is that if everything doesn't have a place, there's nowhere to put something back and it will subsequently disappear. Into the void. Forever.

(For example, we have four missing ipads currently, because they don't have a place, technically speaking.)

So we're very neat, and exceedingly tidy. I think, anyway.

Ben has already folded all of his t-shirts so that they are stacked vertically on their edges and he swears he knows what he has now. I had a quick gander and noticed at least two hundred black band t-shirts in the drawer. 

You can't see the logos. 

Yeah, I know. 

I have three bags of clothing to donate and I only spent five minutes staring at my closet, wondering what brings me joy. Well, none of it does, frankly, as I don't shop for therapy, pleasure or comfort. I shop because being nude is unacceptable. 

I hate clothes. So it's easy to pick all black and pretend it fits/is comfortable/is warm enough/cold enough/appropriate enough. 

(I know. I don't think I'm an actual girl. They wouldn't act like this.) 

ACTUALLY, my Valentino dresses bring me joy but they're formal. 

So there. 

(Do I get my girl cred back? 

No? Fine.)

We've pledged to work through the weekend, since it's going to be stormy anyway, because everything and everyone has room for improvement, right? 

It is so, and it always will be to me.

Ice-cold pre-dawn finds me in a cloak made from a field of stars, tied with a kuiper belt as I watch the planets revolve around me in a never-ending loop, a static circle of bodies, in a sky as far as the eye can see.

What are you thinking? 

Nothing, actually. Just waiting for the coffee. 

Seriously, Bridge. 

Fine. Did you know that Gerry Kuiper discovered a whole whack-ton of meteors just chilling out by Neptune and once they get nudged into the circle of orbit they are actually tiny planets for a time? 

That's what you're thinking about? 

Mostly. I'm Neptune, and you guys are the tiny planets, except you're actually much bigger and I'm...Pluto, I guess. 

Except Pluto's not a plan-

WE DON'T SPEAK OF THAT.

A wolf-girl in sheeps' clothing.

I stayed home today. Can't do another cold day. Have a headache from the cold and from the time of the month that it is anyway and had to eat chocolate for breakfast just to be (somewhat) pleasant agreeable human.

Does this mean I 'won'? Caleb is up and remiss to not take the opportunity to have his coffee with me by the fire. I will burn all the wood in the whole province, but I won't be cold again. I'm also shopping for some sort of wind-cutting shearling-lined plain hoodie to wear over my work dress. Just in case it gets cold here again. The look on his face is not an amused one. He's angry.

No. It's a sick day, that's all. Because I'm sick. 

I'm glad you stayed home if it's that cold. 

I nod.

So do you think I am going to win, then? What are the odds? 

The usual. Thirty/seventy. 

Is that all? 

Yes. 

We sip our coffee in silence, me hypnotized and lulled into vacancy by the flames and him reading on his phone.

It's not a contest, Neamhchiontach. 

Everything is a contest with you. 

When you feel differently, let me know. He gets up, pockets his phone, kisses my cheek softly, takes his coffee and leaves me there to be wonder if I should just set my clothes on fire or I might never feel truly warm again. 

Starts bad, ends okay.

PJ walked on eggshells, worried I would crack under the weight as he stepped closer, not sure if I needed a hand or some sort of deadly weapon to wield against another awful day of being cold and tired. Even my period started, as if my body was like, oh, are we making her as miserable as possible? I have a magic trick y'all need to see.

I'll take a hu- 

I didn't even have the whole sentence out of my face and I was wrapped against him in one of PJ's famous massive bear hugs where he is all arms and beard and he doesn't let go until he's sure you're ready to pass out from being unable to breathe.

Then he'll laugh at you. But by then you don't even care, I promise. He gives the best hugs.

There. Think that hug should be called 'The Bloodletter' because I'm sure I squeezed out your whole period.

I laugh so hard I'm concerned I might cry again. PJ, it doesn't work that way.

The hell you say.

Not even kidding. Maybe one every hour for a week might work.

Still can't believe you can bleed like that for a week and not die-

What did I miss? Lochlan arrives at the worst (best?) time possible. Are you harassing her? At least feed her first. He holds up a bag. It better be chocolate bars. Wait. It better be cake.

I chased wakefulness today when I would have been better off chasing starlight. I froze to pieces, I got yelled at, and I finished the day in abject, utter defeat.

Because duh, it's Monday. Is everything in retrograde or is it just me. 

I parked my jeep (in the woods. Getting better at four-low, I am) and walked into the house, right through the kitchen, grabbed a bottle of scotch and kept walking right out the back door, across the lawn to the gazebo, where I went inside, hit the heater button and then sat down on the floor in my work dress and heavy nonslip shoes. Took a big long burning drink of scotch and then lay down on my back, staring up at the copper ceiling and I let myself cry. I let myself feel a little sorry for her, for me, I mean, and then I stopped crying and tried to be mad. I'm not good at turning helplessness into anger, though and mostly I look like a three-year-old, just up from a nap, stomping her feet at surely the most ridiculous of injustices. 

Ben comes outside, frowns at the scotch and asks if everything is okay. He would take the scotch but he prefers not to touch it. That's fine. Right now I prefer he doesn't touch it either. It's for me. 

You alright? 

I take a huge swig again and wipe my mouth on the back of my hand. Bridget had a bad day. 

(Stomp, stomp.)

He laughs. Oh, did she? Maybe she'd like to talk about it. 

Nope.

(Stomp.)

Talk is better than anaesthetizing herself. The laughter's gone and the life lesson remains. He waits. Three minutes. Ten. Fifteen.

She knows. I hand him the bottle, tightly capped. Sorry, Benny. Days like this I want to quit too. And make everyone happy. 

Then why don't you? 

Because I don't want him to win. 

JESUS MOTHERFUCKING CHRIST (aka the coffee plan was a failure, as usual).

I pinned up my hair today. A poor choice because it's minus five on the point this morning and minus five here in the damp is the equivalent of minus twenty in a dry cold. Sam helps me into my long woolen coat (teal with as many buttons as I could have put on it just for the methodical factor) and then shrugs it closed around me tightly. He kisses me on the tip of the nose.

So sweet.

So cold, Samuel.

I already called ahead to make sure they turn up the heat and change the fans.

It doesn't help.

Don't take your coat off.

I didn't plan to.

But Lochlan is ready and comes downstairs in his casual suit, a blanket over his arm. Have a bag for this, Bridge? And I run and get a reusable shopping bag from the grocery store and we're set.

Lochlan drives the Jeep. I think he likes it. It only uses five times more gas than his truck so it's a winner for sure but it's so cute who can hate on it?

When we get to church PJ is three minutes behind us with hot takeout coffee. I don't plan to drink mine, instead I consider pouring it down over my head so I can burn from the heat but then I take a sip and who's going to turn down Starbucks on a cold day like this?

(Maybe it will keep her awake this time.)

Pj packs in beside us in his huge parka and in my coat with my coffee tightly tucked in between he and Lochlan it's not so bad with the blanket around me and eventually I forget my shivering fingertips and aching knees, focusing on Sam's words, talking about familiar weathers and the slow winter slide into spring, into Lent, into lighter times, both literally and figuratively.

Mentally I calculate when I need to have the ingredients on hand for the epic Shrove Tuesday pancake dinner I'll be making very early in March for the night before Lent. Mentally I begin to sort out what I'll give up for the forty days prior to Easter. Mentally I begin to get cold again, as PJ shifts slightly and Lochlan's bad arm gets sore, leading him to remove it from around my shoulders. Mentally I feel the cold locking me in it's icy grip and my only defense, as ever, is to fall asleep, head slowly nodding forward, eyes heavy, words running together in my head then disappearing entirely.

(Nope.)

I didn't wake up until I let go of my still one-quarter-full coffee cup, and it landed on my boots, barely spilling but enough of an odd surprise for Lochlan to very loudly, very clearly swear a blue streak in alarm while almost simultaneously lunging for the cup.

Only a drop or two was spilled, mostly on my coat, missing the blanket at least. His reflexes from throwing fire are exactly as incredible as one would expect.

He sits up. Sorry! He calls out to Sam, who was momentarily stunned into silence wondering what was happening. Dropped my coffee. Carry on. 

I reach for my cup back but Lochlan makes no effort to give it to me. He's not irritated, ever, by my inability to remain awake while not moving, rather he is always concerned instead and figures I will just fall asleep again.

He isn't wrong and this time my handbag lands on the floor. He leaves it there.

An unsentimental journey.

What if you had married me? 

He thought he was being sweet or provocative and he cornered me with the age-old question yet again. It was too late anyway, the candles had burned out, the rain had drowned our will to persist and the music had looped around, back to the beginning and my preteen brain wandered off again, trying to understand how all of these wounded-heart people became such amazing singers to share their pain in these beautiful/ugly ballads I love to listen to so much. 

I would need way more therapy than I've ever gotten thus far. 

It was an offhand, knee-jerk reply and my heart immediately rose to my throat as I waited for him to throw me off the face of the earth in a rage, or worse. 

And I would have gotten it for you. The offer stands. 

It doesn't work. (I'm the worst patient that ever lived. Honestly, just bundle me into a cozy straitjacket, put some headphones on me and leave to rock in the corner and I'm good. Or as good as I can be, I guess.)

If you'd give me a chance, it would. 

No. (Because 2019 is all about limits and protecting myself at all costs. How am I doing?)

You break my heart, Neamhchiontach. 

Ditto. 

A nothing Thursday (also Duncan binge-watched all of True Detective and he's very, very tired).

Just here waiting on the snow, nursing a sore shoulder and a hot cup of chai tea. I rearranged all of the boxes of tea in the cupboard, dumped out all of the tea bag packets and organized them in a big tupperware box so suddenly everyone is trying every flavor as if we've never had tea before. It's kind of funny but at least it's getting used. I also did a big pantry challenge this month and a budget challenge and I still have to do a clothing challenge but I don't care so much about that.

I'm not really a clothes person so no rush.

So we have fresh groceries, I took out some cash, I got gas (that's an every three or four days thing now LOL) and I'm going to hunker down and have a storm break if we do get snow here. If we don't then that's okay too.

Duncan is rather cranky but Ben is not and Lochlan is off helping PJ put things on my jeep (they love to tinker with cars (and bikes/campers/trucks/barbecues/sink faucets and clothes dryers) any chance they get) and yeah, this tea is pretty good. Shoulder's not though, so I'm just going to try and chill for a bit. 

Guarded.

Using both hands I jammed my crown down tight onto my head, hair flattened against my skull, braid pinned underneath the band, golden metal blinding anyone who came within a hundred-yard radius of the tiny princess-at-arms, guarding her own imagination.

She didn't have to do it alone.

The prince was there, too. In his jeans with the perpeputally ripped-open back pocket from putting heavy tools in it absentmindedly, too-big flannel shirt, his own crown crushing his beautiful red curls he stood just slightly in front of her, bearing a sword with a rusted blade cut into with chips, worn dull from use fighting her nightmares. Fighting his own.

He adjusted his crown so it was slightly cocked to match his eyebrow and set his mouth in a determined line.

Ready, Bridgie? 

I don't know, Locket. Are we?

***

He came in tonight, two bags of groceries in one hand, truck keys in the other. Keys are tossed onto the table in the front hall and his arm slides around my waist, pulling me in tight, folding the groceries against my back as he can't resist a full embrace.

I haven't seen him all day so I'm fine to have a bottle of orange juice suddenly pressed against my back.

Ready? 

Do we have plans? 

We do. 

And they are? 

We're going to make dinner together, just you and I and this bottle of red wine (the one I thought was orange juice) and we're going to have it in the gazebo. 

It's cold and raining-

I thought you figured out the heater. 

I keeping forgetting it has one.

We made chicken alfredo for two with bowtie pasta and garlic rolls and opened the wine and took a basket full of candles out with us and a blanket big enough for two and we savoured our quiet, private supper like we rarely get to. It was only when he got up to pack up the dishes that I saw the sword propped up against the back of his chair.

Later-day saint (sic).

Drove the Porsche today so she doesn't feel forgotten. She didn't seem happy at all. I promised I would clean her up maybe on the weekend and she shrugged and let me out quietly in the driveway when I got home.

I brought more pie home. This habit will soon spell certain disaster, as everyone here has a sweet tooth as big as mine and boy do they love pie. Even though I say we're cake people, if you put pie in front of a man's nose he will eat it, to be certain.

I have a bruise on my hand from slamming it against the open corner of the counter at work, repeatedly. It looks terrible and the worst part is I keep slamming it against everything.

I got a rash from my work dress due to it's appealing (snort) synthetic nature and have resolved to find out more about mormon undergarments just for the shield they would provide between my delicate angry skin and that dress.

I wouldn't, honestly. It's sacred to the LDS church, a church I know nothing about but it also sounds so compelling, especially when they describe it as 'armor of God'.

Who wouldn't want to wear that?

Now, if anyone has any other leads on some neck-to-knee cotton bodysuits I'm all ears.

Tiny blonde persecutors and those who narrate them.

Sam's words hit the ceiling of clouds today and I took them all in, soothing their bruises, their cut and dried meanings, their fabric, soaked to the bone and torn to pieces and then I ate them, swallowing gristle whole, choking back the too-big parts, drowning in the sugar and the vinegar of his plan for us. For all of us.

God is a tough parent but a fair one. He is unconditional and patient. 

He's a lot like Lochlan and as I listen to Sam's words in the ice-cold Could we please have a little heat? morning I came to that conclusion that I don't give Lochlan enough credit, though I try very hard to. Maybe I don't have enough to spare or maybe he's crossed from difficult husband into absolute martyrdom when no one was looking but he did the impossible and I'm grateful for it. He is the one person in my life who can rein in my mind long enough to achieve anything, whether it be running without tripping, eating four-squares a day or just being comfortable in my own skin. 

He had to deal with me. Especially in the aftermath of that summer and then the aftermath of the winter of 2007 and he's done the best he could with what he has. With so little patience and yet all the patience in the world. 

So it makes me laugh when he leans in halfway through the sermon and spits,

You didn't eat breakfast, did you?

I had a muffin. 

Lies. I ate the last one last night. 

It was English! I had an English muffin!

Traitor then! 

And we laughed quietly, much to Sam's delight, who thought he was being clever.

I'm not sure how this works.

And you walked away
And I saw fireworks imploding
Frame by frame
Like watching a movie in slow motion
From miles away
Up like a rocket ship ascends
Drifting up into space
And I'm running out of oxygen

I still kind of love these rare early Saturday mornings where the fog lies heavy over the point, giving the point a muffled, muted presence. The boys, the kids and the pets are all sleeping and I have my headphones, a large hot mug of coffee and a sudden discovery that what was previously a lightly-treading soft song is a deeply painful one upon examination of the lyrics.

My favorite kind.

My coffee is barely touched, words hardly finding time to get comfortable on my page when Ben appears, a warm hand on the back of my neck, a kiss landing on the top of my head. He pours a coffee and heads downstairs without a word (we try not to interrupt each other when writing) while I keep pushing letters around until they match the thoughts inside my head.

(That's a myth, actually and I perpetuate it. I've never found the words to properly articulate the way I feel, truth be told. But it's a challenge I've taken on nonetheless.)

I've been struggling lately in a different way that's the same. I'm having trouble sleeping again. My anxiety is through the roof about the smallest things. I feel like I've got one corner of the controllable universe grasped tightly in my hand like a sheet but one good hard flutter and it's going to be yanked away. I hate this feeling but it's one I have to ride along with until something else happens and then I'll be distracted by that and lose my way back to this.

Everyone says it's something that can be helped. Take this blue pill, or this red one maybe. Practice self care. Be mindful. Rest. Take sleeping pills. Take a vacation. Take a break, Bridget.

This is my break. I put on headphones and I fall in love with words and the melody to which they're sung because I can't find the words of my own.

'The joy of my heart is to study men.' (Yes, yes it is, Mr. Burns.)

Lochlan saved me from the certainty of having to hustle up a haggis from somewhere far from here because as a surprise he's making smoked haddock chowder instead and I've already had a taste and it's delicious. He's a very good cook, he just doesn't do it enough. I wouldn't either, honestly. It's daunting to cook for up to a dozen and the nights we dump two boxes of chicken nuggets (but shaped like dinosaurs) on baking sheets and add three bags of french fries are more common around here than you think.

Most people would say that everyone can make their own dinner and that happens here too but we also like to eat as a family so there's generally an early dinner shift and a late one and it's been working this way for a long time.

I've already had a small glass of whiskey and water, truth be told. Aberlour gives me a headache in my teeth, if that makes sense so I'll probably switch to water now. It's less painful overall. This stuff is harsh but it was also close at hand.

After dinner we'll read poems aloud and Ben will play us out on the bagpipes, same as he welcomed this morning by playing them in the driveway which brought the usual round of death threats from the neighbors via text message (lovely people).

I hope we can eat soon. I'm starving.

(None of this is important to anyone but me.)

I parked on the front lawn today. Right at the top of the stone steps. Got a good laugh from everyone who left the house today and had a blast driving up there. Who needs roads? indeed.

Got a charitable tax receipt from my credit card for my membership to the art gallery. I need to check on that before I blindly add it in. Seems..weird and unexpected.

Got some T4s too. Here we go. Ten days left before I can start work on taxes. I hate taxes. I have a job now though so there's that. I'm thankful for it, I think.

Got some timbits. May eat them all for dinner and not even share.

Got really really tired this afternoon and may have started crying while loading the cookie jar. Then I loaded the dishwasher and stopped crying. It comes and goes. It's not grief but hormones. Lovely.

Lochlan kissed me right between the eyes today and then used the code word that a few people know which means I don't have the strength to chuck you out the window but could you please leave? to August and August quickly and kindly decided he sleeps better in his low swinging bed and thanked us for the extended mini-vacation. When he left Lochlan grabbed me in a tight hug and didn't let go.

Feel better? He asked after a few minutes.

Definitely, because I live for those hugs but I don't know if he meant that or something else.

The dog had a wonderful day of playing and went on a long walk today with yours truly.

I got groceries. And batteries for the remote panic alarms scattered throughout the house. Remind me to stagger the replacements next time so they don't all start chirping at once.

I got tired. Did I mention that? Oh, I did.

I discovered that Doc Marten boots are the very best things in which to drive a Jeep with.

I found out Chef's Table Volume 6 is coming next month to Netflix, which is a damn sad replacement for the winter Olympics but it's an odd-numbered year so it's better than nothing.

And tomorrow is Robbie Burns Day and I didn't buy any groceries for that at all and now I have to do my usual annual supply run. Because panic-haggis is the best haggis.

Have a good night.

Don't look so scary.

Sunlight
Ain't it good to feel alright
Ain't it good to know that you're not alone
Yeah ain't it good to know

Cause I lived my whole life
Looking for the light with closed eyes
Ain't it funny how you fight what you need the most
Yeah, but I can finally feel my soul tonight

Have to break the fourth wall for a moment here because Dear Reader, your reading comprehension gets an F.

The Jeep wasn't the leap of faith. It's a truck. Get a grip.

The leap had to do with August, and putting my foot down and climbing out of a hole only to slide happily right down to the bottom of it again because who wants to ignore the blissful coldness of good grief and here on the point we have the very best. So Sam moved back to his Boathouse and August is having a little vacation here from the loft because..

Because I need him? Maybe I just want him. Maybe he needs me. Hell, maybe he just wants me. 

Did I ask? Nope. 

Does it matter? Nope.

Did I have to fight for it?

Of course I did. That's what I do.

The Retro Encabulator. That's what her name is.

I went in tonight with PJ for moral support and Lochlan for Big Life Events you don't forget and I smiled really big and the dealership didn't remember me for a few moments, or why I was there.

But then they did and it was fine, because I saw it when we pulled in.

My brand new Jeep.

It's a Rubicon. Tires up to my neck. 2018 tech I will never learn and side rails that are actually incredibly slippery when you try to climb into the thing, or fall out of it as I have done every single time so far, forgetting it's a fathom to the ground and I'm about as graceful as a kitten on ice around that thing.

And I love it. So much. I'm finally big on the highway but I can reach all the pedals. I can leave everything the way I want it. I got exactly what I wanted.

It has locking differentials, Bridge.

Ummm, yes! 

What are they for again?

Different compartments for locking up your belongings. Are you gatekeeping me? 

No, not at all. 

Good. Better not.

Battle cries.

Maybe redemption has stories to tell
Maybe forgiveness is right where you fell
Where can you run to escape from yourself?
Where you gonna go?
Where you gonna go?
Salvation is here

I dare you to move
I dare you to move
I dare you to lift yourself up off the floor
I dare you to move
I dare you to move
Like today never happened
Today never happened
Today never happened
Today never happened before

I've scared myself to pieces. I made a little leap. Not a big deal to most, huge to me. Everything's huge when you walk as me, five feet of blustery willfulness in a sea of people who tower over me, looking right over my head, able to see what's coming, able to see what's next. Able to keep their eyes on the horizon all the while my focus remains shirt buttons and metal logos on t-shirts. That's my view when I need a soul with kind eyes and open arms and so with sight gone (and hearing long before it, even) I'm left with touch.

The songs touch me. So do the boys and so I've gathered both in my arms and I'm trying to hold on as hard as I can but fear is bigger than everyone and it can definitely see me from here.

Sam said not to try to smother, to let it breathe, to let it fill me and learn to live with it and then I will be able to see a way a through it but that's easier said, like all things, than done.

The new routine is that Dare you to Move is followed by Wonderful Feeling, because it's like me, a clear, straight journey from desperate + hopeful to joyful + hopeful and that's a good place to step off from, right?

Overland.

Church was lit. Sam's back in full force. Matt was a blip on his radar, one that eventually moved away before dropping off the screen completely and we didn't realize we've been holding our collective (Collective? Ha) breath since Christmas, exhaling in such a huge rush it almost blew me off the point. 

I forget what the sermon was. I fell asleep sitting up and was finally scooped in close to Lochlan, his warm suited arm keeping me awake with random squeezing. We came home and the shit hit the fan and now it's suddenly nine at night and I haven't eaten or gotten anything at all accomplished and I'm fine with that. 

Tomorrow will be much of the same. But it's a good kind of shit, in a capable sort of fan and I'll tell you more tomorrow!

Or Wednesday. Tuesday? I dunno. We'll see. 

King tides + misguides.

The tension in the room reached a fever pitch as we turned and walked ten paces away from each other and then whirled around and fired. Everything we had.

August is off-limits. The list includes Ben and Sam too. They've had too much loss already to have to put up with you. They're absolutely protected by me and by everyone else here and you will never close a door in one of their faces again. You will never deny them comfort if they ask for it, whether it be on my behalf or your own.

I spit the words out rapid-fire. Automatic.

And then I got shot right through the heart.

I've had too much loss already too, Bridget. My brother died a violent, miserable death following his violent, miserable life and no one is allowed to supersede my presence. Not last night, not ever. Not when it comes to you.

My brain pokes me in the back, whispering in my ear. Well, he is on the list.

(Shush, you.)

He continues. When I woke up you were gone. I needed you and you were somewhere else-

You HAD me-

Not your full attention. Not all of you. 

This is juvenile and-

No, you know what's juvenile? Him using Jacob's death to elicit sympathy from and therefore time with you-

How is that different from me? 

You make an effort to deal with your grief-

Oh my God. Hardly. But my rules remain or this all falls apart. 

Let it. Then maybe he can move on. 

What about me? 

I'll continue to look after you. Maybe this whole Collective was a bad idea but it exists because of your rule in the first place. 

No, it was the only way you could think of to stay close to me. 

The end will always justify the means, Neamhchiontach. 

See, I don't think so.

Chasing after ghosts.

I was running on empty
I was feeling so low
When you made me a promise
To never let me go
I was falling to pieces
When you carried me home
When you told me you loved me
And my prodigal soul

The knock came softly. I barely heard it for the rain and the cracking fire. It came again and then I knew I had heard something. I go to the door and crack it slightly.

It's August.

Did you listen?

Yeah.

And?

He would have loved it, August.

Yeah.

I feel warmth against my back suddenly, breath against the top of my head. Caleb is behind me. What do you need, August?

Nothing you can provide, man. I miss my best friend.

He isn't here.

I'm aware.

Goodnight August. Caleb reaches over me and closes the door in August's face. The look on it as the door closed broke my heart. I am led back to bed, crushed under Caleb's weight as he uses our wakefulness in the dark for another round of trying to win me back the hard way, fighting through all of history, Stockholm and post-traumatic Bridget syndromes to arrive at this pre-dawn assault on my convictions about who I love, and in what order.

He finally lets go and falls asleep and I lie there. I can't sleep. August's pain of missing Jake is the bond that keeps us close and I know damn well if I feel like that, especially in the night, there isn't a single person who would turn me down or turn me out.

And it's a luxury I absolutely refuse to deny him.

I get up quietly, extricating myself from Caleb's arms, and Lochlan's grip on my hand, and I dress quickly, leaving the room silent like a mouse. I dart across the driveway in bare feet in the freezing rain, almost wiping out on the steps and knock on August's door. I wait, shivering but he never comes. I let myself in and walk into his loft and he's on his knees, head down in prayer, rocking back and forth, probably set back a million years like I was when I listened to the new record and knew Jake would have loved it so beyond anything else he had heard and I dropped to the floor, threw my arms around him and tried to keep him from shaking.

It's supposed to be easy now, Bridget. It's been so long and I can't get anywhere and I know how you feel. 

Yeah, you do. Better than anyone. I nod, tears dripping off my chin, as August turns to sit with his back against the wall, pulling me into his lap to hold. It's always a song, or a photograph. Or just a feeling like something's missing. Something big. Something blonde. Something so faithful he held the rest of us up our whole lives and we're only being to realize how efficient he must have been at doing it, as we can't seem to do it for ourselves.

Helpless/help more.

(Caleb is being Caleb and yet this is my issue to fix? Thanks guys.)

John is half-amused and half deadly serious.

I can't believe how bad this is. You used to grift for a living. 

No, I charmed. I can do that. I can lie until the sun goes down. But if you ask me directly I tell the truth. 

I'm just trying to figure out how Loch did that. Force integrity all the while teaching you how to rob people blind. 

He says both were necessities, at the time. 

John nods. He can control his mirth over this but he also thinks it's time someone had a little lesson in holding a poker face.

Hey, I'm discreet. I'm private. 

Not when it comes to Caleb. 

His presence unnerves me.

And that's weird. He should be just like everyone else. 

You remember that guy who came up to Ben at the Maiden show and knew everything about him? And I played Ben off as a huge fan who styled himself to look just like Ben and I called him Brent and we all had a good laugh afterward? I can do it. Just not with Cale. 

So let's fix that. 

It's too late. I need to find a new restaurant. Or maybe I'll work at a Starbucks. 

I don't think you're qualified. 

Ha. Oh my God, I think you're right. Oh well. I'll go back to writing. 

Oh great. See you in October. I hated the way you holed up to do that. 

It's par for the course. 

Anyway, concentrate, Bridget. We have some work to do. 

I can't wait to see how. 

Well, for starters, you can act like you don't know him. Like if someone says hey, who is that? You can just smile and say you don't know, but he's nice. 

Uh..I think it's too late to reverse history. 

It never is. 

Oh. Then I want to go back further and change some other things and then this won't even be an issue. 

Paper filters.

Caleb came in today. He sat at the chrome-trimmed formica counter top, at the end, tantalizingly close to the pie rack and nursed a coffee and a plate of sauerkraut and corned beef for lunch for so long the other staff began to watch him and talk.

Finally another server asked me, after watching us talk quietly as I refilled his coffee for what seemed like the fifth time, if he was my husband. They're used to my random boys sitting in the diner for hours. But since Caleb radiates intensity they could already see it's different than most of the others.

He's my boyfriend. My first thought is to correct a stranger from a painful assumption, and not to protect my privacy.

Oh. I thought you were married. 

I am! (Oh, shit. Here we go.)

But it gets busy and I am spared any questions and eventually Caleb can't entertain himself anymore reading yesterday's newspaper and he asks me if I can leave early, get a ride home with him, and someone can come get my car later.

I have to work until three. I tell him.

Or quit and then you won't have to work at all. I've put enough in your account to see you through the spring. 

See me what through the spring? 

Don't you check your accounts? 

Yes but it's been a week or two. 

Then you should look. He finishes his coffee, tucks a hundred-dollar-bill underneath the edge of his saucer and winks at me before putting his jacket on. He doesn't carry cash often anymore so that surprises me more than the amount.

Thanks! We tip-share now, for the new year. 

What does that mean? 

We pool the tips and divide them between the wait staff and the cooks. 

How many are working today? 

Six people, including me.

He takes his wallet out again and counts off five more hundred dollar bills.

There. Now everyone's happy. 

You don't have to-

I can't spoil you directly, so I'll have to do it the hard way. Check your account. Put this somewhere out of sight. He pushes the saucer toward me.

Everyone was a little surprised at their second holiday bonus and one person remarked that they would also have a boyfriend on the side if he was that rich. It would be worth the hassle. Everyone looked at me and I shrugged.

Money doesn't buy happiness. 

I'll take it then, said the cook. If you don't need it since you're already happy. 

He grinned, content in knowing absolutely nothing about me and went back to scraping the flat top. I left my hundred there to be redispersed among everyone else. I hate it when Caleb does this. Now I probably will have to quit, when the judgement comes out of the woodwork.

And now twice in fourteen months.

Got my Breaking Benjamin tickets early early this morning before work. I almost died of fright. Chrome didn't want to play nice and so Firefox stepped in and saved the day. They're playing half an arena in Abbotsford, a place I only know as the place where everyone passes their driver's licenses and the home of Castle Fun Park and the Maan Farms haunted Halloween maze.

Asking Alexandria is opening for Breaking Benjamin. I almost expected Avenged Sevenfold AGAIN.  So now who do I contact so I will get to hear The Road and Moving On live?

I might die. This is amazing. Twice in less than two years after waiting almost twenty to see them at all?

The most amazing part is it's the night before my sixth (seventh? Don't even know anymore and will have to check) Switchfoot concert. So I get to see my two favorite bands of all time in a single weekend.

If you try to pinch me this time I'm going to run away.

Just say when.

Caleb has slowly morphed the little den that begins his wing into a proper office, though slightly less sterile and uh, venture-capitalistic than before. It's more rustic, more homey, with some big easy chairs and a heavy rustic wooden desk and bookshelves. 

The lighting he redid as well and now it's so cozy it almost makes me want to do work for him, though I declined easily this morning when he asked if I would consider helping him with his year end and tax reconciliations. 

I can't. Switchfoot's new album comes out in four more sleeps and in the meantime Lochlan bought me Nothing More's Stories We Tell Ourselves so I'm a little bu-

Bridget, I adore the fact that you eat, sleep and breathe your music. You can bring your airpods with you. 

Numbers mess up the music. It only works with words. 

I'm sorry? 

I can't listen to music while working with numbers. 

I didn't know this. I've always put on music for you-

I can't hear it. 

But you can write and listen-

And sing along. While writing completely different thoughts. 

So are you saying you're throwing me over for Nothing Less?

Nothing More. And yeah. We said this last year. No more taxes. 

It's the only thing certain in life, Neamhchiontach. 

No, that's death. Remember?

Fifteen degrees in January and my life is different now but also the same.

Lochlan picked a fight. Apparently Matt did too, though from a distance instead of directly in Sam's face and so Sam and I took a day off. He let one of his other ministers lead Sunday services and I told Lochlan off so gently I'm not entirely sure he heard me but it felt good.

Sam took me out for breakfast to a place with bottomless coffee and fried potatoes and then we came home and put on our swimsuits and towels for a long hot sauna. When we couldn't stand that anymore we retired to the hot tub on the lowest setting. PJ brought out an ice pack for my head and a mimosa for me, orange juice for Sam.

I thought Sam was going to try and rearrange my brain so I started babbling but he just gazed at me wearily and told me to stop. That we didn't need to do this today. That today could just be rest. That I should close my eyes and flatline my brain, just for a little while. That everything could wait.

And so it did.

After too long in the hot tub my headache began to come back and I was just thinking about getting out when Lochlan appeared. Sam stepped out, put a towel skirt on over his swim trunks and said he would see us at supper (everyone's excited about supper. I'm making SOPP-sausages, onions, peppers and potatoes in three of the big skillets tonight. And buttered rolls besides.).

Lochlan bent down beside the edge of the hot tub and held up a towel.

Is that the towel of arbitration or the towel of forgiveness?

It's the love towel. 

Oh, yuck. Is it...clean? 

He laughs. I love you, stupid. This towel is to show you how much. 

How will a towel show me how much you love me? I am suspicious and remain where I sit.

Get out and see. 

Still with my eyes narrowed, I get out and he wraps me tightly in the towel. It's fresh from the dryer and warm. He was right. He loves me an awful lot.

Told you.

Far too much to ask for (the real devil would have already done it by now, just to enjoy the fallout, FYI).

I'll be right there
But you'll have to grab my throat and lift me in the air
If you need anyone
(If you need anyone)
I'll stop my plans
But you'll have to tie me down
And then break both my hands

Lochlan fell asleep the night that Caleb and I had our two-restaurant date and now blames himself for my fear.

As always, he blames himself where the blame surely lies more squarely on the devil, aligned perfectly along the edges so that it doesn't stick out sharply, wounding me with clean cuts that bleed a waterfall down through the house, drowning everything in crimson.

I don't let him take that blame. He can't have it. It does not belong to him. It has nothing to do with him. He makes a generous allowance for my wants and then stands back and bites his tongue as I throw myself over the edge of it, taking too much, being greedy, and as always it comes back to bite me on the shoulder in the throes of its own selfish ecstasy.

For him that fear is confirmation of my loyalty. It's his peace of mind, his own watershed of comfort in playing the hero of my story now, again, as always.

Enough, Lochlan said when Caleb remarked that he enjoyed our evening and that we should extend it through the weekend.

I thought we had fun, Caleb looks at me curiously (maybe accusingly) and waits for my confirmation, waits for my assurance that Lochlan is being possessive and overbearing.

I shake my head just slightly, as if his interpretation is just plain mad.

Alright, outside. Caleb orders, he doesn't ask.

This is new.

Fine. I bring my coffee cup. In the daylight he doesn't scare me. With my clothes on as armour he doesn't scare me. It's only when conditions are just right and the night is full of regret and poor choices and old wounds and inexplicable needs that he terrorizes (I mean terrifies me).

This is supposed to be working. 

What is?

You, me. This. Even Lochlan is on board with trying to make things better for you and trying to give you what you want. 

You won't give me what I want. 

He stares at me. He knows exactly what I mean and we're going to be at a stalemate until one of us dies, and then I'm going to be so disappointed because it will be him.

I can't do that, Neamhchiontach. 

Then we're done here. I take my cup and go back inside.

Because you can't actually fix anything with a sandwich and an orgasm, contrary to popular belief.

I'll be the one to protect you from
Your enemies and all your demons

I'll be the one to protect you from
A will to survive and a voice of reason

He tried, I guess.

Dinner was beyond decadent. Vertical food. Probably plated with tweezers like I've seen on Chef's Table so it was cold by the time it made it to me, and then I didn't know how to eat it.

You haven't touched your food. 

(Sorry, I'm busy savouring this six hundred dollar wine instead. Tonight's going to hurt, better anaesthetize myself while I can.)

I don't know what it is, Cale. 

He rolls his eyes. Chicken. Mushrooms. Risotto. 

Which part? I squint at my plate. I see no chicken. I can identify a green bean and what I think is shaved parmesan. The rest is roasted beige something. It's a poultry inukshuk. We were here alright.

Tell you what. Finish your glass. We'll go find some Monte Cristos. 

Really? I light up. I'm starving and pretension robs my appetite.

Tension robs everything else. Including common sense. As I never saw the shift in him, the one that took him from trying to please, to expecting to be pleased. There's always a price for a six hundred dollar bottle of wine. I should have stayed in Vegas. At least then it wouldn't have been the same monster over and over again. It would have been a different one every day.

Bridget. 

Mmmm? My attention is drowning in oak-aged grapes and wrath.

You're preoccupied. 

Sorry. Just thinking. 

About what? Be honest with me. He's got our coats now, helping me into mine, the familiar roughness taking over where his gentlemanly efforts are beginning to wear away. He leads me out by the hand and we are in the car and then we're in a more-brightly lit but far less affected restaurant where he orders cokes and sandwiches and then he smiles but only with his mouth and we eat quickly (he eats the half I leave) and then we're in the car again. It's late. Deciding you chose the wrong place for dinner and having to choose again takes time.

Oh, nothing. I was just thinking about how Joel said Lucic makes one-point-five million every time he scores a goal. It made me laugh.

I didn't think you followed Edmonton. 

I don't. I follow Lucic though.

And then we're home and it's hardly lit at all, the outside lights are mostly off. It's later than I thought and the house is quiet. The kids' doors are closed and no one is around and there are a few lights burning in the library and Lochlan is there but I don't even know if he followed as I am led upstairs, still with my coat on. Still with my buzz on. Still with no lights on and I stumble against furniture as we make our way to my room. He wastes no more of his precious time, stripping me down, again without the gentleness of before, now with barely-concealed need leaking out from the darkness of his eyes, the strength of his hands and the bent of his brain that has to do this.

(Why does he have to do this?)

And then he has already begun, his hip bones grinding against mine, his fingers in my mouth, my buzz heading out the door. Lochlan isn't coming. No one's going to save me now. I can feel doors closing in my brain as history takes over and a ten-year-old starts calling the shots in the best way she knows how.

Don't shut down on me, Bridget. It's a warning I can't heed. It's too late.

He shines a flashlight directly in her eyes. You're safe. Everything's okay. I'm here. He slows down, no longer grinding down my bones, instead bearing down hard enough to break them instead. My jaw unclenches and he holds my head in his hands, hard enough to squeeze my brain. I cry out and he loves that and his fingers go back into my mouth and I can't move a muscle. But I don't have to, the Devil is working my limbs, trying to touch my brain, trying to reach my soul so he can have it back. And the ten year old suddenly steps away and he sees my hiding place and I can't help it anymore and I give in.

This is his reward, the one I never want to give him anymore.

Go, baby, he whispers. Go get it. 

Harder, I cry and he twists my arms up over my head as I arch my back. I can't reconcile anything anymore but goddamnit I'm going to get something out of this fucked-up life too.

But the moment it's over she steps back in to hide me, my hands start shaking and the look of certain victory on Caleb's face in the dark makes me want to throw up.

This is why I would give you the moon if you asked, Neamhchiontach. 

Can you just get Lochlan for me instead? I need him. The look of victory and all of the air is sucked right out of the room with that request and I can no longer breathe at all.

The only thing darker than my last death.

In these diamonds we're left with coloured glass
As pressure takes its toll, we will outlast
But you can't break my heart
As long as I can be myself, I'll never fall apart
And you can't take me in
If I'm not broken, break me down
So I will never feel alone again

Have to get in the mood. Have to breathe evenly. Have to delete the message just like the good old days when several hours prior to a date, he would tell me what I should wear. Have to stop my hands from shaking as he pulls out old triggers and new risk. Have to button all of these stupid buttons but I can't breathe. I can't breathe. Can't let Lochlan see this fear after I said I was fine. In control, even. So not in control. Why did he agree to this? My terms are simpler. My ways are safer. You let him call the shots they'll be aimed right between my eyes.

Or worse. At my heart.

This is frustrating (and no I'm not drunk.) (Okay, I'm not drunk YET.) (Okay, maybe a little.)

New Jake is growing a beard (omg what's wrong with my knees?)

John just shaved his off. (I might have cried out in alarm when I saw him, as I didn't know who he was at first.)

PJ plans to grow his to his knees. God love my metalhead.

Ben has his customary-scary winter one.

Lochlan just looks weird and homeless with one. It doesn't work for him. 

Caleb looks like a serial killer hiding in plain sight with his. 

Daniel will never ever grow one and waxes. 

Schuyler shaves twice a week, sometimes only once. 

Christian also looks downright strange with one. 

Batman always looks like a Wall Street financier down on his luck with one. 

Sam looks like a... a Hobbit now with his. 

And I have been trying to grow one for years and years and it never happens, and they won't tell me the secret of how to do it. 

Hold my planner.

Caleb comes around this afternoon after I get home, trying once again for a date. He's less lonely than before but also makes twice as much effort to cement his place in the house (and my  life) but he's doing it sweetly, at least. 

Can I borrow her...just for a meal? 

She's not very high in calories. Lochlan is amused, playing with words like he plays with fire. Actually he's doing that too, as Caleb is running down a sensitive subject and sometimes when you joke with him when he's feeling like this he has a tendency to get violent. 

Except he knows that I don't permit violence in my house (much) and that it won't win him any dinners, lunches OR breakfasts. He needs to play nice to play at all. 

I'll let them figure it out. I'm too happy to be home and head first in Lochlan's shirt, his arms around me tight. He smells like goatsmilk soap and coffee and he's nice and warm. 

Thursday. When she's off work. Then you can come back with her. 

My eyebrow goes up and bumps into Lochlan's collar. Did he just set up my date and then invite him home afterward? 

I was thinking a late dinner, so eightish and back around eleven? 

Sounds fine. 

Yes. Yes he did.

Continuity errors.

If you knew me (you're so lucky you don't), you'd know that the only thing I want to do after sex is go to sleep for a bit. And by a bit I mean hours and hours, preferably overnight or at least for the remains of the day.

So when Ben gently turned me out the door I contemplated not doing my jean-buttons back up but I did and then boy, was I surprised when I ran into Caleb coming down the basement steps and I quickly tried to casually fix my Ben-hair, as he had it gripped good and tight in his hand and it's a disaster.

Oh, I was just looking for- He stopped. No amount of surprise casual-ness will hide what I was just up to. Jesus. You can't even wait until dark? 

Did you need something? Ice will cover my fluster. Ice will freeze it in place forever and I'll never ever change. I'll never be as cool and collected as the devil, I'll never have a poker face or be able to hide a thing. I'm clear. See-through. A jellyfish.

A well-fucked jellyfish.

I was hoping to steal you away for some brunch but now I feel as if I should just go back upstairs and pretend I never saw you. 

You could do that. 

Do you want to get ready and go out? 

No. I need to lie down. I start laughing. I'm the man. Don't men always want to fall asleep right after sex? Yeah, that's me. I'm a dude. So happy. Be right back, going to pee in the snow.

What's so funny? 

Nothing. 

Are you laughing at me? 

No, I'm tired. Maybe brunch tomorrow. 

You work tomorrow. 

That makes me laugh more, only it doesn't sound much like a laugh. More like a sob. True. Maybe later, when I get up. 

Are you alright?

Oh, I'm good. I'm so good. 

Benterludes.

I got to sleep in. Sam conceded that since I heard the sermon, live and up close, and that I live it already, trying to protect myself against all of the things that threaten to tear me down, that I was cleared to not attend.

He didn't let Lochlan off the hook and after a lot of grumpy swearing and even some indignant hollering down the hall at Sam's back as he went home to find a suit (and the famous Argentinian flag-bucked belt) Lochlan also put on a suit, a plain brown belt and brown shoes and went to church.

It almost made me laugh except that I was so damned surprised that he followed through the laughter ended up far behind me. I went down to see Ben instead. Ben sometimes still disappears for too long and it's one of the thorns that stuck into our relationship and let it bleed out so slowly nothing hurt and he is always, always there when I need him mind you. He's just distracted and always caught up in wonderful projects.

I snuck in through the door and up behind him as he sat in his chair. I didn't know he was asleep or I would have left him be but I wrapped my arms around his head and he startled fifty feet and shouted. AH!

WHAT?

WHO IS IT?

It's MEEEEEEE!

Oh my God, Bridget, you scared me. 

Probably because you forget what I look like. 

I just look for the short blonde blur. 

Nice. 

Have I been down here too long? 

I didn't nag. 

Maybe you should. 

I'm not that type of person. 

He snorts and I make a note to follow up on that. I am persistent, though I won't harass you if you're busy unless I'm kidding and you're clearly not busy.

Where's Loch?

He went to church. 

Huh. What'd he do? 

I just told you. 

I mean to go alone? Did he kill someone? 

Sam guilted him into it. 

Sam is everyone's favorite sitcom wife. 

True. But Loch went that's good. 

And you're bored. 

Yup. I'm just using you for entertainment. You know, til he comes back. 

How much time do we have? He's not in his chair anymore, crowding the spot where I stand, head down, lips against my hair, hands absolutely all over.

What's time again? Oh, that thing we don't measure. 

Lock the door, Bridge. 

Already did. My smile is wicked, my intentions crystal-clear.

Bones are not enough armour for a heart.

Sam is road-testing his sermon on us today about the difference between forgiveness and self-protection. Using himself as an example, no less. Beginning with a parable of a samaritan who puts his own safety at risk to save another's life and ending with dealing with lies in a relationship and when to cut the cord in order to save oneself is going to be an interesting sell to the congregation tomorrow but will also put to rest the rumours which will no doubt fly when Matt's fresh reappearance turns into a glaring absence, noted by the people who seem to find sport in noticing such things, under the guise of concern. 

(It's not concern. We see right through you.)

I think he should take the day but he incorporated that into the sermon as well, in that no amount of outside influence will weaken his relationship with or need to be close to God. 

He is a living lesson sometimes, with a strength I don't understand sometimes as he can seem small and vulnerable but then he's weathered storms that would break a lesser man at the same time. Sam's demons are fought to fucking ash and then he steps over the remains into the light. Sam's a hero. No question. 

The question is not if I can manage, but if you will bear witness, he asks. He is sleepy and gorgeous and I just got that sermon face to face, morning-breathed and half-awake, cuddled under all the quilts in my bed, Lochlan still sleeping against my other side, slumbering right through the entire homily (possible as usual?).

But I've already heard it now! Doesn't that mean I can sleep in? 

Snap your fingers, snap your neck.

PJ's entire existence has been devoted to doing things like playing Prong or Amon Amarth at top volume while I eat my breakfast, nodding along while he headbangs through loading the dishwasher or pouring cereal for milk. He's so earnest. He said the heavy holds our worries, the notes weighing them down in order to drown them in this endless, soaking rain. He says that it's liberating. He says It's necessary, Bridget. And you should try harder.

God Bless him. I just finished a night in which I was reminded of being ten years old and not understanding the incredible heartbreak in the music of artists like Air Supply, Journey, Bon Jovi and countless others.

Lochlan took a gamble playing endless ballads and now they all run with it, including Sam, force-feeding it into my brain, making a whole new kind of hurt as I hear the words with fresh adult ears, always jolted by the pain, the emotion in the voices of singers I can belt along with in my sleep at this point.

But that, my friends, is a far cry from nodding sleepily along with fucking Prong while I enjoy toast with crunchy peanut butter and coffee in the huge BB8 mug that I always grab first, crumbs on my cheek, curly tips of a bedhead bob making me feel ten years old again, in which case this is definitely not the right music.

My kitchen is Wacken, my bedroom a smoky pub on the right side of town where they play soft pop and mourn their busted tickers til the sun comes up and then we'll start all over again, won't we, because that's what people do.

Sam is okay. I've passed on all of the positive encouragement you've emailed and I thank you readers, for understanding how much it hurts when the love of your life walks the fuck out for a third time without warning.

(He's not sad at this point, just angry at himself for falling for it all over again. But he's not too angry to take comfort with us, and I think I may just keep him here until Easter all the same.)

Holiday Matt.

(For the record that I don't even know who is keeping, Lochlan already pinky-swore to make up New Years Eve to me, as if it was his fault or something that I chose to work both days, and so Friday night we're going to go out for a fancy dinner and a show (this usually morphs into a stack of pizzas brought home in the truck followed by a stack of boys draped all over the place in the theatre room at home, though, so be warned. It's my favorite thing. Well, one of them anyway.)

When I get home with groceries (a quarter of a load. We'll go back out Saturday or Sunday but I needed a whole bunch of things that couldn't wait) this morning in advance of the impending storm, Sam is standing on the second step down. Not underneath the porch roof but just beyond reach of it. Soaking wet. An expression that would be unreadable if I didn't know Sam so well. I load up on bags and head up the walkway. He hasn't even noticed me yet even though I drove the big truck and parked it badly right in front of him.

When did he leave?

Sunday night.

Oh, Sam. Why didn't you say something?

What was I supposed to say, Bridget? You were right? Again? We got caught up in the wedding, I guess, and didn't see that nothing has really changed.

So what have you been doing the past few days? Instead of looking to your friends to support you. I don't want to be right, I want you to be okay.

I'm okay. Mended my ego, shined my pride back up, prayed for a solution to being lonely. You know, the usual. Well, YOU don't know but some of them get it.

I guess the look on my face walked back his attitude just enough to bring my Sam back.

Sorry, Bridget. I'm just trying to deal with it.

Let us help you.

How can you possibly help me?

By giving you perspective. And grace. 

Is your grace stronger than God's?

Of course it is. I'm local. 

He snorts laughter. Finally, a smile. A soaking-wet smile.

I should have come around days ago. 

You can move back. 

Good luck convincing Caleb to go home. He's so content to watch your every move. 

You can live in my room. But you can never ever bring your overly-complicated wedding dates there. 

That's perspective alright. Thanks, Bridget. I get a hug that's half-rain, half-Sam.

You're welcome. Just a note though, I go to bed these days at like eight and I'm usually fairly cranky by then. 

Flushed.

My work week is finished, the cook gave me a huge piece of cake to bring home (it was broken and he knew I would love it so he didn't throw it out) and when I get home I sit in my Porsche in the driveway in my spot to the left of the garage beside the steps to August's loft and I eat the cake with my fingers.

It was a good plan until Caleb knocked on the window and I dropped a fistful of cake all over my lap. What a waste. But secondary win, my car now smells like chocolate cake.

Eating sweets in secret usually means someone is cheating on their diet.*

What diet? I ask through a mouthful of cake.

He frowns. I don't understand how he managed to raise you with zero manners. 

I have manners! I'm supposed to use them for important people. 

He misses the burn completely, apparently distracted by the fact that it's three in the afternoon and no one's claimed my attention yet. They don't even know I'm home. Actually they might if they heard the car but sometimes they sit outside too, in their vehicles. I always thought they were probably listening to the end of a song or something but from now on I will assume they're also eating secret cake. That must be why Caleb is out here waiting. He's either the nutrition police or he's hoping I will share.

Well I won't and I'll go to jail if I must. Sugar is worth more than oxygen to me.

I agree to come over after dinner. I can stay up a little later, as I don't have to work tomorrow, and he's been great about not trying to monopolize my time. New Year's eve technically didn't exist except I did indeed wait up for Henry and then texted with Ruth around three in the morning and then I got up at five and went to work.

We did absolutely nothing. Loch dozed off. Ben only came upstairs at twelve ten to say Happy New Year and PJ never even made it past ten-thirty. New Jake was a no-show (he said he was on a phone call) and Matt and Sam didn't come over. I haven't seen them in days. So it was sort of a non-existent celebration in which we didn't celebrate but I did make a few resolutions. I gave up pop. Makes me have to pee, never makes me less thirsty, and is always far too sweet anyway. I rarely have it as it is. I'm going to treat myself to more water plus more hot drinks like tea or an afternoon hot chocolate instead (not too sweet since I put a half-teaspoon of mix in for a huge mug). No drugs and by that I mean I went off the shit the doctor put me on. I threw out all of the pills that make me miserable and I plan to keep advil and decongestants in my medicine drawer and the rest is going away. Part of the reason I always feel so tired and energy-less and nauseous is the endless cocktail of birth control (that isn't for preventing pregnancy, long story), sleeping pills, headache pills, cold pills, stomach pills, stress pills, depressing pills, fucking pills holy fucking jesus no more pills so there you go.

I'm just going to eat cake all the time instead. So far so good. Also, it's GOING TO SNOW TONIGHT. Finally! Wait! I HATE snow. But I don't care since I don't have to go to work. Muhahahaha.

*(Edit: Oh, dear readers. Caleb was not fat-shaming me, he was making a gentle joke. I weigh a massive ninety-four pounds and am always working to gain. It hardly works. And no, I don't need tips. I've tried them. I'm not a stress-eater, rather, the stress eats me.)

Absolutely nothing.

I survived work today (it was bonkers at times, and perfect at others) and after working my ass off they let me leave a little early, so I had time to come home, message Ruth, who is already out for the evening, and hear of Henry's first-ever New Years Eve plans (going to a friend's house, has a ride home for 12:30 am from the parents of a different friend who is also going) and am now making spaghetti for eight, as there are eight of us with no plans.

Tomorrow is going to be a tiring day, that's for sure, as I tend to panic if I'm still awake at eleven at night now if I must get up early.

I brought home another pie, as we had too many and since the restaurant is actually closing early anyway (it's not the kind of place you book for NYE) it would have gone to waste.

Tomorrow is such a normal day, except at over twenty dollars an hour. I won't leave early even if they offer.

Batman cancelled our big formal plans at the last minute, and so Caleb has been edging around me, trying to find out what new plans I have in mind for between spaghetti-thirty and eleven, or twelve-thirty, I guess, for as much as PJ tells me he will wait up for Henry, I feel like I should, as Henry is my son and it's not fair to PJ to shoulder that responsibility. I will probably bend to a port or a martini with Caleb and then maybe some of that prosecco (wouldn't you know it's already been transferred from Batman's house to ours, and New Jake is now one of the eight for dinner) at midnight and then I'll slap myself silly to try and stay awake to see everyone safely in. Except I'll probably fall asleep against Lochlan's shoulder and he will see everyone in but since I'm technically there, I'll take credit.

Last day of Christmas vacation and I'm sad as fuck about that.

Trying to have a best day ever once again because I work tomorrow and I don't know if it's going to be crazy-busy or not. I work New Year's morning too and I don't know what to expect then, either.

In the meantime I'm tracing my finger down Lochlan's face and every time he twitches in response he comes close to waking up but not quite and it's become a game to touch his eyelids/nose/cheek as lightly as possible.

Sometimes I don't sleep. Sometimes I can't sleep and there's nothing else to do. I can't reach my headphones  from here, they're on the night table on the other side of Ben Mountain, and my phone is on the dresser on the other side of the room anyway. If my feet touch the floor I'm going to wake everyone up so instead I poked at Lochlan until he sat up, wild curls and tattoos everywhere and suggested I go have coffee and read. That's the adult equivalent of making cold cereal and watching cartoons, I think, and so here I am.

The coffee is kind of boring and I don't feel like reading. Sam wandered through in search of sugar (they were out) and suggested I write my resolutions but I don't know what I'm hoping to change or better about myself for 2019.

I'd like to read more, worry less, murder my sweet tooth in favour of more fruits and vegetables. I'd like to cook more, but different, adventurous things. I'd like to go out for noodles more and maybe go out for dessert but without dinner first. I want to finish listening to Demon Hunter's discography before the new double album drops this spring and I'd like to watch more foreign films, with subtitles. I want to go back to dressing weird, losing the black, bringing back the rainbows and I want to not cut my hair ever again. It's to my chin at last and I'm not even cutting it to clean it up at this point. I just want it to grow.

I could make a whole heaping pile of resolutions that have to do with my boys or I could just leave well enough alone.

Oh and when my work-pay account reaches five figures (excluding tips) I'm quitting in order to find something better.

Best. Day. Ever. (and I've only been up for two hours.)

Slept in til ten-thirty.

Ben bathed the dog.

Ruth is making pretzels from the Warcraft cookbook.

It's raining and windy and cozy. There's a fire in the fireplace and sleepy, quiet boys everywhere. We're caught up on Outlander (finally) and maybe will watch the Black Mirror movie later, but maybe we'll watch something else. Who knows? We have turkey soup, leftover turkey and gravy for sandwiches and I'm not going to change from my pajamas because I have zero reason to.