We went to church this morning. Lochlan and I wore masks. We let the kids sleep in. Matt scooted way down on the bench and Lochlan took off his blazer and let me sit on it to make a buffer from the cold wood, not caring if I wrinkle it terribly, he just won't put it back on. He looks like a teenage boy forced to go to Sunday school (I guess that's true) in a white shirt, plain black tie, hair tied back in a simple low ponytail with one of my black elastics. Brown pants because he looks better in brown but grabbed a tie last minute that is actually Ben's and would be the only thing of Ben's that would fit Lochlan. We mistakenly dressed for summer in a fall weather pattern, as it's rainy and dark today but I wore a sundress with straps and big yellow sunflowers all over it. It's a long dress, a mid-calf if you're tall so it's down to my ankles and I have a dark blue cardigan too to cover my scandalous tattoos in church but not really since they go across my chest and down to my knuckles anyway. Once we are settled and have established that there are hymnbooks at our places (Sam usually forgets if I don't come early with him but I guess he has a routine down now as I haven't been here in months. I can tell I haven't because the sconces on the wall have long freeform cobwebs on them because no one ever cleans the sanctuary unless I remind them) I settle back against Lochlan's arm and make sure my phone is set on silent.
Lochlan never takes his off silent. He has pockets, always. I'm going to start dressing like a boy.
Caleb appears and sits down beside me on my left. He nods to Lochlan and then to Matt and finally to Sam and then he loosens his tie slightly while I stare at him, checks his watch and then settles back, taking my hand from my lap to hold in his. Lochlan turns his head ever so slightly to see this and then squeezes my shoulder. He's going to let me figure it out.
I snatch my hand back.
Caleb simply takes it again. I go to pull it away but he's holding it tightly now. I have two choices. Make a scene or put up with it until he lets go to pass something.
And since it's church I let it go and put up with him. He relaxes his hold after a minute. Is it a test? Do I have my chance? I don't know but I leave it. It's warm. I'll use him for that. Eventually when we stand to sing a hymn he lets go and it's as if nothing is wrong. Maybe he's going to ignore my attempt to break up with him. Maybe he's going to try to fight it somehow. I don't know. I don't care. I came here to support Sam and I'll deal with Caleb at home.
When church ends Caleb stands, lands a light kiss on my cheek, nods again at Lochlan and ducks out of church, not waiting in the endless line to greet Sam and shoot the shit as if we don't live on the same property. I tell him a dirty joke and he blushes and laughs, shooing me out, hoping none of the olds heard me, and Lochlan laughs gently as he shakes Sam's hand.
On the way home we play music and we don't really talk but when we pull in the driveway Lochlan turns off the truck but doesn't move.
What is it?
Don't fight with him. Just leave him be for a bit.
What do you mean?
You don't have to cut ties. Just force him to be civil.
It doesn't work-
It will if you hold this over his head.
Strange, coming from you.
Let's just see what happens. I have a feeling things will be better. He seems rocked.
He should be!
Then let's wait and see.
***
Y'all want to know the joke. Fine:
How is God just like a regular man?
If you're not on your knees, he ain't interested.
I don't care if you're offended. My minister laughed so hard he snorted.