He should be a Scorpio for all these moods.

Two coffees, one orange juice, one attempt and failure to shave my legs in the shower and then two glorious eggs benedicts with back bacons on English muffins and-

Wait. Are there Scottish muffins? I ask Lochlan, my face still full of brunch goodness. Yes, I talk with my mouth full and so do you.

You ask this every time and as I said before, there is. You wouldn't like them though, he scolds and we resume eating in silence. It's birthday week and it begins with brunch at his favorite place and then a long sunny week of floating in the pool, drinking the good birthday-whiskey and low-key bickering with me as I attempt to find a new job, finish three different house projects and up the ante on life itself and figuring out what that is.

Also August coming back any minute now and I miss him! But Lochlan doesn't! And that's a problem!

There's no problem, Lochlan reminds me. Why is he so cranky? Oh right. Someone's dog barked all night across the cove and none of us slept. If it happens again tonight we'll be lighting the pitchforks and kayaking across. If I don't get some meaningful sleep soon I may fall for his attempts to bait me into a fight but honestly I'm trying so hard today, with zero support, to stay in a really good mood and anticipate a wonderful week full of birthday celebrations, homecomings and back to school.

Poly narco baby.

You again? Sam laughs softly when I open the door. We have to stop meeting like this. 

I grin at him and stick out my tongue before softening and stepping back to one side so he can come in. We are settling into quite a Saturday night routine, only my legs are so tired from walking miles and miles around such a huge shopping centre, and I'm falling asleep on my feet.

Sam is our Saturday night companion, our steadfast, our anchor. He's soaking up the affection here with an enthusiasm that I never expected. He and Lochlan are closer than ever and he sleeps so easily, as do we, when we're all together. Even Ben doesn't mind finding him with us. He's a comfort object in human reverend form. And we are comfort right back.

But he sees that I'm struggling with the hour and the expectations right now. That's what I love most about Sam. Within seconds of talking to you he can figure out exactly what you need. He's the Devil in a collar. He's needful things. He's the always-solution to the problem you didn't even know you had yet.

What about instead of a snuggle we had a bath?

OH. Sam. You haven't lived until you've swam in this tub. Except I know I'll fall asleep so another time. 

We could go for a hot tub. 

Rather be naked. 

No one ever accused you of being subtle. Can't you be naked in your own hot tub though? 

It's not exactly in my own private backyard. 

Er..okay. I can draw a bath for you. 

Draw it for three. 

Wait, how big is this tub? 

Big enough. Come and look! 

And he did and he chose a lovely blackberry vanilla bubblebath and ran a blisteringly hot bath for us. While he did that I lit candles and closed curtains. I met Lochlan coming in through the door, suit still on from some thing with Schuyler. He had said to start without him, which was lovely but unnecessary, and I told Sam to arrive later than usual. That's why I'm so sleepy now.

Sam here? 

Hey, Brother. Sam is in the bathroom doorway. I just arrived. I'm running a bath for us. 

Nice. Lochlan smiles warmly, giving me a quick kiss and then heading straight to Sam for one of those thumping-back hugs they do.

 I do indeed fall asleep in the bathtub, lulled into heavy dreams, listening to quiet talk between these two and then Lochlan wakes me gently, squeezing me in his arms until I open my eyes. Time for bed, Peanut. He pulls me with him out of the warm bubbles, Sam wraps me in a towel and then I am led to my big giant bed and I only have time to ask that they turn off the lights and blow out the candles before I am asleep again. When I wake up it's morning. It's ten already. Sam is gone. Lochlan is awake watching me. The sun is up.

Good sleep? 

So good. I realize Ben is sleeping in his usual place and snuggle into him. Lochlan plays big spoon and we fall back asleep for a half hour, Ben's arm coming out to pull us in tightly to him.

Was Sam frustrated when he left?

On the contrary. He was tender. He baptized you with a kiss and said he would say extra graces over dinner tonight. 

Good. 

Yeah.

Happy burn.

I need a vacation. I just braved the crowds at Metropolis for a little back-to-school shopping with the kids. Henry did not want to go, having bought a bunch of outfits already this summer for the upcoming fall. Ruth will always take shopping over just about any other activity, and happily lights into Forever 21 with an enthusiasm reserved for kids about to eat cake at a birthday party.

Speaking of parties, she went out with her friends tonight in her cute new jacket and gave us reprieve to complete preparations for her family party tomorrow. We blew up a million balloons, suspending them all over the main level of the house from the ceiling, brought out the pile of presents and finished decorating the cake I baked this morning. She'll be twenty on Tuesday, a double-happy day because August is supposed to come home in time for her actual day.

I kind of hope he comes home early but that's wishful thinking. Had I been able to stand it physically, they would have had to drag me kicking and screaming from Black Rock City. I know he has such good fun and he always downplays it when he comes back and that makes me sad. He shouldn't have to minimize such a life-changing, life-restoring experience but he will even as I press him for more details. More feelings! More photos!

It's all so exciting. I'm happy I'm keeping up today. So is everyone else though, as I threatened to get drunk and go sit in a tree yesterday and apparently that was exceedingly immature. I can be mature!

Tauruscopes.

It's raining here on the point under a super black moon morning. It's quiet and dim. It's my favorite time of day. I'm awake, alert and inspired. I drink my coffee alone when I can, headphones blocking out the world, my very own version of an apocalypse bunker complete with stores for years, if not longer. I can write and play with words and draw and music myself up until I'm ready to be released into the known world where we are hellbent on socializing, being together or whatever that thing is called where I must exhaustingly interact with other humans because that's what one is supposed to do.

Maybe it's me. I tolerate so few of them. Like the sun. I can handle it (if I must) while I'm gardening but if I'm at the beach I want this weather, always. Darkened skies and brackish teal. Muted foggy green and dampened lamp-black shores, holding their secrets closer as they wait for the light.

Today brings a new personal outrage as I need to bring my glasses to the beach. From far I can spot the sea glass pieces but once I pick them up I then need to put on my glasses to see if they're ready for saving or need more work. This is my true garden where I cultivate the legacy of how water smoothes the rough edges, softens the violence of a shard, mutes the screams of my victims-

(Okay maybe ignore that last part, for that is simply wishful thinking and nothing more.)

Little blind-and-deaf Bridget is watched closely, red eyes blinking out of the darkness by the edge of the steps. Always close enough to run. Always far enough to try and afford a graceful sort of mock-privacy. I set my coffee cup down on a large flat rock and he stirs in concern, pretending to shift his position sitting on the third step up, coffee cup nestled in capable hands.

I find a singular treasure and pull my glasses back down over my eyes to look more closely. The edges are smooth and cloudy, pitted and round. Perfect. It's hard to find the white and pale blue pieces. Mostly I find green and brown. Each color has a value and I'm suddenly rich. Each piece has a weight and I'm suddenly heavy. Each day has a number and suddenly this one means something.

You really want to know who the fuck I am.

(Don't panic. It's a song lyric.)

I still have a weird dent and a white mark on my fingernail where I slammed my finger in the fridge at work on one of my last days. I only miss my paycheques, nothing else and when I went in to drop off my dress I was struck by how disorganized and filthy everything was. And yet it was filled with customers. I think my next job will be bagging groceries. At least there all the food is sealed and I can't be embarrassed by the state of it all. When people ask what's good I would pick a different dish every day off the back of the menu because I don't know, I wouldn't eat it.

Caleb smooths his fingers across the dent and tells me it will grow out soon. He's anxious once again to get a good review, a favourable mention in my writing instead of a vent or a despairing question of why he's here. I don't know what he wants me to say. No one needs to hear that he woke me out of a sound sleep last night, brought me to heaven four times straight with his fingers and then with his mouth and then put his weight on me, bringing himself up to where I was before disappearing back to his own room in the dark. It wasn't midnight yet. I was so sleepy. Just the way he loves it. Then I feel asleep again and when I woke up it was daylight. I was curled against Ben with Lochlan wrapped around me. I had to see if it was a dream. I asked Lochlan why Caleb came back and he didn't answer, changing the subject instead.

When I come downstairs PJ is playing Slipknot's Orphan so loud I think the roof is going to rattle right off the house.

Right? He grins, giving me a couple of good headbangs for effect.

The guitar sounds like Van Halen. I frown at him and he laughs.

Okay, so I know it's not your favorite.

Ooh. I like this part though. I give him a single slow headbang in return and he claps for me.

God. So proud. You look like a mom trying to be there for her kid.

So I'll skip that part and just throw the horns instead?

Atta girl. Throw them HIGH.

It better not be as hot as it was yesterday all day or I swear I'm going to liquify and they'll have to keep me in a jar in the fridge, which sounds great right now frankly. I actually fit in the fridge. We checked and scared the fuck out of Duncan one morning as he blindly reached in for something and I grabbed his hand.

Keeping up appearances with acts of attrition
It doesn't matter 'cause I know you'll never listen
Before you knew it when you saw it, now you say you never knew it
It was all a big conspiracy
We came together when the hands of fate let go
Is there anybody left to fill this hole?

Heat madness.

Fear fun, fear love
Fresh out of fucks forever
Trying to be stronger for you
Ice cream, ice queen
I dream in jeans and leather
Life's dream I'm sweet for you

Lying on Daniel's giant pizza slice inflatable pool float today. It's big enough for four people. It's vegetarian. I am stretched out between a cartoon cross-section of a mushroom and what I think is a blob of green pepper. It's a horrible thing, this, with terrible graphics and worse colors, but it's also the only one big enough for me to step onto and stretch out on without getting wet.

As such I have my airpods with me, an item that is positively banned from poolside, a rule I break every chance I get.

If you ruin them I'm not replacing them and neither are you, Lochlan says. Then what will you do?

Listen to my music on the speakers. Then they all can be treated to Venice Bitch played on repeat for four hours straight and they'll know what my brain can be like.

Better than they do now, I mean.

Daniel's not going to rat me out. He made a big show of cramming his giant frame onto my floating chaise with attached...uh..leg holder. 

Ahem, it's called a footrest, Daniel says.

Then why does it end just under your knees? 

Because it's for kids, he reminds me.

(Everything they get for me is built for your average ten-year-old. You should see my tiny kayak. It's like a little curled blue leaf and it's about half the length of theirs.) and he's not saying a word, though I know his arse is soaked through already because it's almost submerged from his weight. He's so tanned. I could stare forever. He looks like Ben but friendly. Wet.

It's hard to get Ben into the pool some weeks. The days run together for him. He probably doesn't know it's Wednesday. He doesn't know there's a long weekend coming up. PJ and I already grocery shopped. The gardening is done. I made jam. The house is clean, beds are fresh, gifts are collected and wrapped for next week, a week that sees Ruth and Lochlan have birthdays (twenty and fifty-four, respectively, where is the time going holy shit) and we're ready. I'll bake cakes this weekend and finish up decorating.

And it's thirty-eight degrees in the sun right now. The music is melting into my brain. It's going to be stuck fast and we'll never get it off.

Bridget. What the fuck.

Oh shit. Lochlan's noticed the headphones. He charges into the pool and pushes the pizza to the edge where PJ stands with an equally disapproving glare. PJ leans down, one hand out and I begrudgingly give him my airpods.

Last warning or you don't get them back, Lochlan says.

For fucks sakes! I protest and I turn and roll off the float into the deep end.

The blog with the classiest, most introspective foursomes you'll ever read about with zero sex mentioned because I'm better than that, fuckers.

They mistook my kindness for weakness
I fucked up, I know that, but Jesus
Can't a girl just do the best she can?

August called me late last evening. It's as if I can conjure him and he's there. Kind of like Jake, I guess, only marginally less heartbreaking. Or maybe he's marginally more heartbreaking.

Grab your humidifier and get on a plane, baby. 

Oh my God I love you. 

I bet. He laughs. You okay?

Hmmm? Yes? It's not Halloween yet. 

Not what I meant. 

Where are you? 

On the road. 

Ah. 

We're not in yet. Gate news is decent. Got hung up in Lovelock seeing some old friends. Still here.

Oh. 

I love you, Bridget. Wish you were here. 

Yeah me too. Love you too. Be safe.

Will do. Catch you on the other side. 

He hung up and I tried to keep my shit together and failed.

***

Before I could get out of sight Caleb swoops in. He's an emotional vampire. He smells feelings and he's there, feasting on my affectivity, drinking up my despair, growing stronger from the elixir of my misery and then trying to fix it. Because if he can make me happy, bring me up so high he knows eventually I will fall from those heights and he'll be there to feed once more. We're a vicious cycle. We're a cyclone together. A tornado of history that flattens everything in it's path and in the waking light I really hate him right now. He can give me anything I want but I don't want any of it.

Love you, I say as he smooths my bangs back with his thumb, smiling at me gently.

We can go. 

I can't handle the conditions. 

We'll bring the doctor. You can run around with an IV pole. It'll be a look. 

Sounds like certain disaster. 

Okay, stay home and cry over your livestream instead. 

That isn't...why I was crying-

You need to learn to embrace what I can provide.

I'm no longer sure if he's talking about impulsive trips or well-planned, choreographed sex parties anymore.

I split the difference. I thought I was. 

Not even close. He laughs but there's an undercurrent of disapproval so strong I go under, fight to get back to shore and give up, preparing myself to die.

***

It was a one-off, Peanut. 

I was, you mean. A little bit of a stressful night as I couldn't relax enough to get anywhere except for with Ben and you don't think that shit tears at Lochlan just a little bit?

Should have had a little wine first. 

Should have had a lot of things. Maybe not Caleb. 

I'm just trying to make you happy. 

Then don't agree with me. 

What?

Nothing. 

Bridge-

Hey, Lochlan?

Yes?

Can we go to Burning Man? 

No, Bridget. It's bad for you. And by the time we got ready it'd be almost over. 

Okay. 

Wait, what? 

That's what I want. Is for you to be what I'm used to. 

The killjoy? Your dad?

The voice of reason. You're the only part of my brain that keeps me sane. 

He smiles a weird grateful smile, maybe getting the confirmation he needed that he doesn't have to try and make all of my wildest dreams come true, he just has to keep being himself and stay true to what he knows is right and what is wrong and not fuck with those things. Ever.

I'm really glad you said that, Peanut. I needed that.

I nod because I'm losing it. I'm also hung up in Love-Loch and I can't say anything to him in return.

Another opens.

I bought me a truck in the middle of the night
It'll buy me a year if I play my cards right
Photo free exits from baby's bedside
'Cause they don't yet know what car I drive
I'm just trying to keep my love alive

I take a deep breath. I shouldn't be here. I should be at Burning Man with August, who swears every single year that it was his last and then he goes off again the very next as if he's pulled to it unconsciously, can't help himself, can't stay away. Burning Man is the love of his life, a place that centres and builds him, a safe haven in which to recharge, something to celebrate and indulge in.

Meanwhile I'm on the other side of a bathroom door and I'm afraid to come out. Everyone always thinks I'm so full of shit, confident, egotistical even, boastful of my nights while downright greedy with the affection I seek during daylight besides. And I can be, truthfully. What you don't see is that I also have debilitating moments where I'm so self-conscious I freeze, my legs turning to stone, my hands shaking.

Out there they have plans.

I open the door and step out. My chin is quivering now but Lochlan is there, on his way in as I took too long to come out.

Hey. He kisses the palm of my hand. There are only a few lights still lit. Caleb stands by the fireplace, Ben by the window. I almost turn to go back into the bathroom to find another way out. Maybe if I open the door again there will be a different scenario here. It's a trick door, perhaps. I'll open it and there will be a field of flowers or a seashore, complete with seagulls on the other side. Maybe a busy rainy night metropolis or a tree-lined small-town street complete with pumpkins and plaid.

Ben comes over and kisses my forehead and goes on onto the balcony. He knows me. Knows I'm overwhelmed by this, every single time. I want to thank him but I'm still frozen. I want him to come back and Caleb to leave but it's not going to play out that way. They're trying to figure this out and it's still so much harder than it should be. I hate it. I hate being on display, hate being fought over. Hate anything save for one on one or for Ben with absolutely anyone else.

Turn the lights off. I say it abruptly, startling at the sound of my own voice. Please.

Caleb turns and complies. Better. Then I won't have to reflect this which I have become. I feel hands slide around my back, pulling me in close. I am stiff and unyielding.

Neamhchiontach. Lochlan says it so softly. Yes I know. He is afraid too. But that doesn't change how I feel right this minute. Outnumbered, overwhelmed. Afraid. He kisses my forehead almost exactly where Ben did and I return the favor just up underneath his chin. He relaxes ever so slightly, and I turn away in the dark testing the theory that Caleb will now be within reach as I can't hear him or see him.

I reach out and my hands touch his shirt. Yes. There he is. He reaches for me but I turn back to Lochlan. It's a warning right out of the gate. Fuck this up and you won't get another chance for a long while. Lochlan's grateful arms pull me back in. There's a moment where time stops and they remind me and each other of the safe word (forever gingerbread because why not? Something sweet. Something long and completely out of context, just so there's no mistake) and then we begin.

At some point Ben comes back. I feel his hands, smell him near me and I finally rest. At some point Caleb leaves. At some point I finally sleep, only to wake up when Lochlan talks in his dreams. At some point he wakes me up and tells me he loves me. Answering that is the only easy part of the night, but I didn't have to invoke any Christmas desserts or break up any fights either.

I do know this is not going to be my life going forward, and even with last year's fiasco I still wish I was at Burning Man instead.

Big time believer.

I'm the bolt, the lightning, the thunder
Kind of girl who's gonna make you wonder
Who you are and who you been

And who I've been is with you on these beaches
Your Venice bitch, your die-hard, your weakness
Maybe I could save you from your sins

So, kiss the sky and whisper to Jesus
My, my, my, you found this, you need this
Take a deep breath, baby, let me in

Sam came down the hall, thoughts burning through doors that opened with every step he took, determination making his mouth look just like that, that slight disapproving frown that I can't resist in the near-dark as it presents itself to me like a new song. It can whisper in my ears, put words in my mouth, send me to heaven and then drop me back into the quilts before I have time to look forward. He's a Bridget-whisperer, a light-heavyweight, an exorcist and this morning the memory of his hands on me soaks right through my Sunday due diligence, clouding the words on the page, making them unreadable, making the book heavy, and I leave the bible on the bench beside me. I don't need it. I know it by heart.

Headphones in church this morning. Watching Sam and that set of his mouth that hasn't changed as he must be so secretly gleeful that he's back in proximity, that he can figure out how to get along with the devil with a maturity I expected from neither of them, to the point that Lochlan and I stood with surprise and watched them banter lightly, affectionately this morning as we got ready for church.

Caleb, to my left, seems fairly secure about the whole thing. After all, he is next to me right now and the future is probably his, even though Saturday nights are for Sam. It's the extra push of faith that brings Sam straight to his favorite day of the week. He's pregaming, he's making sure to pour all of his sins on the page, letting them soak through to cloud His words before turning it to a fresh one to write the story he wants for himself, not the one he needs.

He is no match for the devil, though. One deep breath from the devil and I turn from the light and run, tripping, falling, crawling back to the dark where I belong.

And then Lochlan strikes a match and the dark disappears, taking Caleb with it, a memory of a dream I had but can barely recall now. The warmth rushes in, I hold on tight as I feel music swelling up, my heart breaking at the sight of his face, the sound of his voice as we go under again. He is an ocean, deep and reflective. I see myself in him. The drive to be better. The drive to put myself first so I don't drown. The only reason I don't chase them down. I let them come to me instead. I put myself up at the top of this pedestal, standing on their hearts, piled haphazardly around my feet, a mountain of carnage and adoration that I refuse to let them live on, instead starving them out until they're almost dead, then resurrecting them, bringing them back to life on my terms.

Life on my terms. A first. A sea change. An epiphany. I'm their faith. I'm the messiah. The five-foot-tall bedhead and green eyes, perpetually drowning in my own quiet sadness, using the ocean as a cover to mask my tears. Fuck you, Jesus. I'll write my own book here. Just get out of the way.

You got me good
Got me thinking
Got me pushing away your hands
Got me needing a break
Got me taking a breath

I walk through unscathed
into the teal night
water blurred into sky
faith smudged against a clean page of need
hands tied in distant death

we're blind
drunk on endless time
no start no finish
no middle no doubt
just me and you

caught in a net
pulled back to shore
a beautiful catch
can't throw her back
out here in the beautiful blue

Fog-sharpening.

Hey
How long

I woke up this morning to Lochlan gasping for air, fighting for breath because I had my arms wrapped tight around his neck, holding on to him for dear life trying to get away from a nightmare I have constantly but it played out longer this time. Hours. Days. Weeks. Years.

Which means they're giving me Ambien again. Nothing fuels a nightmare like that garbage. Instead of bringing me back around it only serves to paralyze me, helpless and uncaring while my brain tears me apart without interruption. Outwardly I look like I'm having a great sleep most of the time. This time I managed to fight it so hard I almost strangled him in the process.

A momentary shout of surprise, a gentle but firm effort to quell my panic and we got all the way through an icy cold breakfast out in the gazebo (twelve degrees and he refused to turn on the heat. There will be no elaborate comforts for you today, freak, I'm sure was his reasoning.)before he asked for an explanation.

Sleep paralysis, I lie. Fuck you, then, if you're going to take it personally. I'm trying to save our lives here.

What's the dream about?

Jacob comes back.

How?

He wasn't dead. He went to a monastery.

Sounds like a film.

Yup.

And?

He wants absolution, wants to pick up where we left off.

Isn't this your most fervent hope?

I smile tightly. God, you can be such an asshole. I woke up with my arms around you because I wanted to be with you and he was trying to pull me away.

That's not going to happen in a million years. You're seeing him everywhere. You conjure him in the clouds, in the water, in your dreams.

I'm afraid he's going to show up and ruin what we just got back.

Wow. And for the second time in less than a week I've driven a grown man to tears. Usually they're immune to my words, my thoughts. But I've got everything freshly sharpened for fall at last and it's cutting deeper than expected.

I'll never forget that you just said that. If nothing else, I know now that none of this was in vain.

Who said it was?

Caleb, among others.

Well, they're wrong. As much as I wish for Jacob to come back, it's so he can pay for what he did like a man instead of a coward, living in the fringes of my peripheral vision and my dreams.

User 34739, your battery is low.

We won't just fall away
We weren't just born to fade
Our stories are past the horizon
We're chasing the sun till we find them

I watch him sleep. God, he's trying so hard right now. I should be grateful. I should be thrilled. I should be less suspicious. The extreme stress of coming home, suddenly wondering if maybe it truly was a terrible idea to have Sam and Caleb living in the same house led to a mess yesterday and the only way out of it was the cold shock of the sea. I was perfectly safe. Caleb's a great swimmer. They can see it coming a mile away and I never throw myself in unless under heavy supervision. It's enough to reset my brain, or set it back, as it did yesterday, failing to do it's job, floating my ghosts to the surface, looming those monsters in closer than ever, thanks and I was relieved to be out.

They've been fine. If anything they are giving each other healthy space but also notes of curiosity float between them as they are the final relationship within the Collective to form,  Sam uninterested in forging a friendship with someone who flies in the face of his deep faith, Caleb loathe to extend the barest of acknowledgement to someone he considers a credible threat.

But yet here we are. They cooked dinner together last night, the electric snap of interest between them palpable and elastic. I didn't expect that. I mean, maybe it was a show but Sam rarely engages in effort for effort's sake and needs meaningful reasons for anything. Caleb is surprised to discover Sam is engaging, warm and concerned without being overbearing or intrusive. Sam is enigmatic and fascinating. He's a little like Lochlan save for the energetic intensity and quiet confidence. He's more than a little cute. And they can fall in love over the coming Autumn while I fall apart, I guess, and it will be fun to watch.

But he turned his attention back to me after dark, when Sam and the others drifted to their corners, new and familiar. He took my hands in his, kissed my palms and then held to his face so I would pay attention.

I meant what I said. 

I nod.

Will you help me fix this. I started it and I'm holding myself accountable. Will you help me to help you? 

I nod again. I'm trying not to cry. If I say a single word it's going to happen. He is already.

No more jumping in the sea?

I can't promise-

You have to, Bridget. No more of that. No more waiting until it's so bad you don't have a choice. I want you to come to me before it gets to that point. Do you understand?

I don't always have a warning, Cale-

Jesus Christ. 

But I still felt small.

(Hi, you can skip today. It's not for you.)

Now I wait
This metamorphosis
All that is left is the change
Selfish fate
I think you made me this
Under the water I wait

I pushed up toward the light, away from the blackness, the unknown beneath me. Fighting panic, fighting to breathe I shot to the surface, a reverse asteroid hellbent on remaining on earth, even as I was meant to descend from the stars.

Neamh-

No. I push him away. This isn't what I want. This isn't how I pictured it all. I dip back under briefly and in the blackness I see Jacob, who takes me around the waist to propel me back to them. His hair flows around his face, his beard floats and his eyes are still so kind, even now when filled with concern.

Go, Bridge. You don't belong here.

I know. It's the Atlantic, not the Pacific, that I'll die in. That's why they keep me here. Can't self-fulfill a self-fulfilling prophecy when they won't let me out of their sight.

You're not going to die until you're a very old apple doll. I laugh in his face as he says it and he frowns as I fight his efforts to push me to the air.

It'd be easier to stay with you. 

Not for them and he's done talking. He gives a final thrust of his arms and I am catapulted into the sky, gasping for air as Caleb's hands reach down and pull me from Jacob's arms.

STOP IT. He's screaming and I don't know it until the water drains from my ears. His voice is strange, strangled and strained. I don't remember him ever sounding like that before. Instead of holding me away from him he pulls me in tight, stroking my face. He's not down there, Bridget.

Maybe you should tell him that. 

He looks at the sky. I don't even know what to do with you at this point. Tell me how to help. Tell me how to prevent this. THIS is what's killing all of us, Bridge. Please. Let me help you. Don't let all of this go to waste. Jesus CHRIST. I did this all for you. At least let me use it to fix this. 

You can't fix this. 

Let me try. Oh, Jesus, please let me try. He breaks and I get to see it happen.

I think that's what might work. If they all drop the facades and let me get through this then maybe I can actually get through it instead of dying every time I try. A force of one tiny bird against a gale force wind, an army of weather I can't rise above so I keep trying to sneak underneath.

Jacob shakes his head. Ever cautious and doubtful. Ever dead.

You don't get a say! I yell at the water and Caleb just continues to sob.

Here.

(We're home from New York. I'm so tired. This will be short and I'm going to bed before supper.)

 Sometimes I think I'll die of curiosity waiting for the denouement of my own life, and yet when faced with a fortune teller and an open schedule I can't set one foot in front of the other, too superstitious, too doubtful to follow through. The last one who spoke to me was so right and so eerily prophetic I can't even imagine what would happen this time and yet I want to know so badly it hurts.

While we were away Sam and Gage shifted homes, only instead of Gage moving to the boathouse, Andrew and Christian are taking it, and Gage will move in with his brother and Daniel instead. Which works far better and never even crossed my mind, honestly. I'm excited to see it all works out but for now I am busy worrying that having Sam and Caleb living on the same floor might be a difficult thing. Sam is hesitant but also buoyed with the omnipresent faith of his that it's all going to work out. His own denouement, as it were.

If it really doesn't work Sam will move next door also and live with Schuyler, Dan and Gage. It's a big house and there he will have company but also privacy which is the best of both worlds.

Silver-lined.

You know what I secretly love about Caleb? He can be ridiculously, childishly impulsive. Like me. And I never see it coming. So he waited for Lochlan too and we went off for brunch. Only we were late and so brunch became midnight dinner.

In Montauk.

A place I have come to find sacred, safe and calming. Which is crazy because it's right next to a city that runs at a pace that leaves me breathless and then you drive for a few hours and boom. Silence. Surf. Sand.

And they were nice to each other. I started to get nervous and tired and kind of lost my shit at the end of what turned out to be a long day. I am famous for travelling much like a four-year-old in that I need breaks and distractions and I get overwhelmed and worn out so fast my composure dissolves just as I'm told to put on nice clothes because we're headed somewhere exclusive and difficult to get into.

And they stopped on a dime and turned and Caleb arranged take-out instead and we ate on the beach just down below the place he rented, which isn't all that far from the place Lochlan and I stay when we come here alone.

After dinner I put my head against Lochlan's shoulder and I was out like a light and I woke up this morning and it wasn't actually a dream. Especially since I woke up alone. I smell burnt toast and hear the low laughter and head downstairs in yesterday's dress and they're making breakfast, faces clearly disappointed as they were going to bring it upstairs for me but I beat them to the punch by showing up before it was ready.

Fucking 1979 is playing on the stereo and becomes the song of the summer, just like that. Only it's still The Contortionist's version, thank heavens.

There are bags on the table. Clothes. Caleb kisses my forehead as I peek inside but then breakfast is ready so I resolve to eat quickly and get ready so I can have as much beach as possible before we have to go. He and Lochlan are already ready, dressed almost alike in black t-shirts and black shorts. Damn. I'm so lucky.

Why here? I asked last night over candlelit sand, my voice slowed by the heavy red wine. Lochlan had excused himself for a moment and we were alone.

Because you needed an adventure and I didn't think another shot at Nevada was a good plan. 

New York is so far though. Could have gone to Oregon.

He shrugged. And we could have gone to Bali. Pick a beach anywhere in the world. It's not the same. Besides, we can go to the fair today.

Why did you bring Lochlan? 

He's your comfort object. Imagine the meltdown if I hadn't. 

True. I stick my face in the glass and hope to drown. Who wants to imagine that?

Sleeping holes.

And I know it feels like you’re drowning these days
And I know you question if it’s too late
And my only hope is that you choose to stay

Don’t be too proud to say
That you are alone, lost and afraid
Think about your pride
Just know your doubt’s misplaced

I know it feels like you’re drowning these days
I know you feel like you can’t be saved
And my only hope is that you choose to stay

Church this morning was coffee and ballpoint pen-stained fingers clutching my own and a whispered, quickened prayer against my forehead before a crush of a hug and a send-off into my day so fast I blinked and I was alone.

Sam came to us last night, late. He has a hard time shifting routines and an even tougher time living alone. As much as it has helped us to have Caleb close enough now to touch at any moment, it's been more difficult to have Sam so far away and so I might, as things shift, suggest that Gage take the boathouse, as Gage is the most private and independent one of all, and then Sam can resume life in the main house, surrounded by people and not feeling like an outsider. Plus both Gage and August are good friends, night owls and outliers, and so giving them closer proximity to each other might foster a closer relationship and that's never a bad thing. The Collective is always shifting and adjusting our dynamics based on need and so this wouldn't even be strange. I have already suggested it to several and they are positive about it so perhaps this week will involve a shuffle and Sam will return to the fold.

He seems buoyed by the thought, at least, sleeping easily when we did sleep. I had nightmares and was so cold. He and Lochlan had all the covers and I froze, pressing myself against Lochlan, hoping for a full-body snuggle but he was hot and too tired to be interested and so turned away. I didn't have the heart to wake Sam for more and so I tried and failed to will myself to sleep.

I won't make that mistake again.

The warmest bed on the point is Duncan's. Duncan has what has to be a four-hundred pound feather duvet that is so thick his bed seems up to my waist if I stand beside it and once you're in you feel like there's a heavy dense cloud wrapped around you. It's glorious. He adds flannel sheets in the winter and I couldn't ask for more. I tried to replicate that upstairs but we almost fainted from the heat. I think I just need to shift gears, maybe put the duvet back on the bed and close the windows at night but it's also supposed to swing back to forty degrees in the shade this week so maybe not quite yet. I'll make sure I have an extra blanket close, though. Just in case.

Sam's warm fingers around my hand are replaced with Caleb's. Equally warm but larger and more well-manicured. My mind is a quick read for this man this morning.

You wouldn't have been cold with me either, he frowns.

That I know. The fires of hell burn bright. I smile at him. It's fine. It was just cold last night and I didn't close enough windows. 

I would have fixed that for you. 

It's fine. I repeat and he changes the subject. Church?

Next week we're back to routine. Today's the last day. 

Ah right. Brunch then? 

God. He knows the way to my heart is a path lined with bacon and eggs. It's slippery but it's stick-straight and too amazing to ever deviate from, I swear.

My only hope is that you choose to stay.

(Should have listened to the cover of 1979, which is far better than the original but that year was a different sort of minefield. It would be the final year of Just Bridget before she met the boys and everything changed.)

The leaves are starting to fall, suddenly it's cool and dark early in the evening, and everything everywhere touts 'Back to School'. The pumpkins in the garden are so large I'm soon to need help to lift them when they need to be moved. Currently they are hanging, wrapped in cheesecloth hammocks tied to the iron fence along the eastern edge of the vegetable patch but soon we'll have to take them down.

The carrots and beans and peas are finished. The oregano remains a living buzzing organism of honeybees and the tomatoes press forward with a determination I've never seen from them before this year.

Our cucumbers were poison. Bitter and terrible from the cold nights. At least only three of them grew.

I am amused by the garden this year, not at all invested in achieving anything other than happiness from it and I think that's the best way to go.

I dug myself a massive dark hole this morning, listening to Early Grave, the best song on the new Contortionist EP. I could have driven my jeep and the porsche into that hole and probably a few of the trucks too. I could have thrown in three houses and the stable too and still you wouldn't have been able to see the bottom. Lochlan took one look over the edge and called Sam, who came and filled it all in while Lochlan held me far back from it, showing me pumpkins and coffee and notes on his guitar from when he tried to learn it and realized I was listening to the words and put the instrument down on the couch and went into emergency mode before I even realized I was digging that fucking hole because here we go into a steep slide straight to Halloween.

Life is a minefield and every second step I land directly on an IED. Life is a day as a sheet of paper with precious instructions, floating in the wind and it's raining so you must fly between the drops. Life is harder than I imagined.

Hey, check out your sunflowers. They actually grew! 

They're so late. They should have been open weeks ago but here they are, only as tall as me and tangled up in the grapevines so perfectly I didn't even know they were there.

I choke back a sob and will my eyes to stop flooding over. Be right there, I say in a strangled voice and I take a deep breath and head to where Lochlan waits for me.

Regressive tendencies.

Sigh.

A whole post about owls and woods and metal and you're all..."a single nother peep"???!?

Bridget, I thought you were a published author. It's 'another single peep'.

God. I could feel the condescension all but dripping off the emails but I had a laugh, wrung myself out, by now floating up to my ears in it, and pulled the plug on the room, washing it all down the drain. I rarely check my emails these days but I was waiting for something and so I read them, against my own best judgment, as I get tired of being told I'm a whore, that I'm going to hell, that I'm greedy and using people and dumb and soon to get 'what's coming to me', etc. etc.

Then the grammar police showed up. Thank heavens, because the others cut so deep but I tend to stay out of reach as it is. And my assistant blocks the worst and reports the very worst to the internet police or whomever needs to know. The Russians? Whatever.

(My assistant is Daniel.)

But yeah. It's a single nother peep. Because for me that's how it's ordered in my brain and I don't care if it's awkward, it's the way my mind does it and going back to edit my words later is sometimes something I can't get to. Sometimes it doesn't get fixed at all and I should try harder but sometimes...

Sometimes I just have to spill the words on the page and leave them there to pile up underneath the dead leaves and the moss and the pumpkin spice lattes and whatever's coming next. I've decided it's going to be good because I need it to be, regression and all.

She's a space cadet. Leave it. Important missions and all that. Lochlan isn't being unkind. In fact, he's the kindest of all, absolving me of my grammar tics and strangeness in one massive sweep. He is forgiving and gracious about it. He called me a space cadet once when I had my thoughts in the sky instead of in the present as required and instead of bursting into tears like he feared I would, instantly wishing he could take back the words he put down in anger, I took it as the single highest compliment he had ever given me. It's better than sweet, heavier than pretty, and more phenomenal than perfect to me.

What? He says, shocked. It's a name called. It's an insult, Bridgie. 

No, it's a goal, Locket. If I start out as a cadet, eventually I'll be the Space General! And then everyone will HAVE to listen to me.

Owls + new Starset.

Gravity
I pull on you
Close enough to rendezvous
You come to me and then you slip right through
I'm in the solitude
Why's it always touch and go?
Now we'll never even know what it's like
Left me in the afterglow
'Til I'm falling through space and time

Okay well, yeah. Toss the rest of the week off with one solid kick and haul in a new day. The owls sung me to sleep last night and when Lochlan came up I was all SHHHHHHHHHH CAN YOU HEAR THEM? And they didn't make a single nother peep for the rest of the night. Maybe that means I've manifested them only for myself, as Ben pointed out this morning. As if I could do that. Like, what?

Speaking of Manifest.

Jesus CHRIST.

I was scared Starset wouldn't sound like themselves. I didn't like MNQN, truth be told. I was really annoyed that there was another project taking up the time that should be used to push out the third Starset album and now that it's almost here I'm thrilled. I listened to Manifest about a thousand times this morning. It has all the elements that stroke my brain just perfectly. Heaviness, melodic emotion, and outer space.

Probably owls too, because owls are cool. 

When I say this afterthought Lochlan's coffee all but spits out in a huge spontaneous laugh.

God this song is SO GOOD.

Eagles, bats, IKEA pour-overs.

Drinking coffee in the gazebo, listening to The Contortionist's new EP Our Bones, reading my own words as I do a little subcontracted fiction writing for a guy who sometimes needs my touch but you'll never hear him thank me out loud. Sometimes gigs are crushing but still lucrative and I never had a soul to sell for so long it seemed easy to give away chunks of the carnival in my mind for a song or a fat cheque or a pat on the head, doesn't matter which.

I am usually the most impressed with the things I come up with anyway, overall.

Lochlan watches me from the patio steps, right by the door in the shade. My very own carnival in human form.  I take another dutiful bite of the apple-jelly toast he brought out for me, washing it down with a gulp of ice-cold gritty coffee from a cup I've been keeping close for several hours now. It's absolutely terrible and yet I'm proving a point. He doesn't need to hover.

I write a few more paragraphs and now I'm faking drinking coffee as it's empty, grinds travelling up the inside of the cup like a waterfall of dirt that eventually dried up in the sun. No one is going to hike back to see this marvel of nature, that's for sure. No one's going to invest kilometres of energy to stand in awe of the raw power of grinds sweeping over a ceramic vessel with a perfect blue-red lipstick print at the top. It's not Instagrammable. It's not wondrous. It's as pedestrian as one can get and you'll never see it but it still exists and that's somehow the important part today.

It's quiet and easy and not beautiful. The opposite of everything we reach for, everything we want, as always.

Oh, here he comes. Old eagle-eyes (blind as a bat these days) knows I'm faking and so I suppose my time here is up.

Upside: I didn't get eaten by a bear.

Yesterday's adventure wound up consisting of a long waterfall-laden hike yesterday. I ran ten kilometres to pull this off, as everyone walks a brisk pace when we hike to keep an even distance from other groups of hikers, even faster when we need to overtake, and since the average stride of the long legs of anyone in the group span several meters easy (might not be hyperbole), I therefore must run. When I begged them to slow down in the humidity they did but only enough so that I had to walk so fucking fast I ran out of breath eventually and got teased endlessly for being out of shape. Ben offered a piggyback. Lochlan offered to take me back to the truck to wait for the others. I swore at both and continued my medium jog as walking fast wasn't keeping up and the flat out running is really hard in the close air of the woods. I also needed enough stopping power to avoid horse poop and huge banana slugs making their way home, something I don't actually have the reflexes for when I run.

My reward was a giant beer and a monte cristo with a mountain of fries and two dill pickles. WORTH.

It also gave Lochlan a chance to regroup and rally back around instead of starting off offended at my allegiances of the morning, wanderlust speaking for me without permission or information, obviously as it is selfish and singular and I am generally not. He isn't mad, and has vowed to make the next week exactly perfect and beyond, as we can manage it via these uphill battles. We're attempting a full-fledged effort to throw history into the sea. Or the woods. I may miss the spectacle since I can't keep up.

Sight/seer.

Watching Caleb sleep. I'm jammed in the corner between the wall and the window, knees up, weighing down the duvet so that if he turns, he's going to wake up, as he won't be able to take the duvet with him. He's my wanderlust cure, my adventurer oddly enough, always suggesting exactly what I need to fix the weird propensity to want to run when things get good. I think it's a holdover from the days when Lochlan would sneak us out of a gig or a town with a saying about always leaving on a high note, when things are good, before people start looking for you. Lochlan is a homebody at heart though. He always wanted to just stop moving, for chrissakes.

My brain has her bags packed, all the shades are drawn and the lights are on automatic timers so that no one will know that I'm gone.

You're like a little bear. The only thing missing is a honey pot. He laughs sleepily. I jump at the sound of his voice. I thought he was out like a light.

Did I wake you? 

Yes. You didn't think I would feel a hundred-pound weight on my blanket? I've been paralyzed like this for over an hour. He grabs me, pulling me in against him, throwing the duvet over top of both of us. His skin is so warm. He kisses the tip of my nose and then pushes his face up toward the light to fall back asleep.

I close my eyes but I don't sleep.

Where do you want to go? 

Day trips. 

Where though?

Exploring. 

Ah. Close enough to be safe but far enough to get away. This is the story of your life, Bridget.

Waiting for the wind to change.

Sam felt the urge this morning to wake us all up at the crack of the dawn and march us down to the beach for a private service by the water. He vacations just about as well as I do, which is to say he hardly does. I will proudly report that I sat outside for a whopping ninety minutes with a glass of wine and Kitchen Confidential, churning through almost a quarter of the book proper and I didn't hear a peep from the house or the sky or the neighborhood. I think they put an embargo on contacting me for that time period and it was nothing short of surprising and completely unexpected.

I did forget to water the lawn too, which was going to be part of my evening but the book was too good to put down and so it waited. I'll do it today.

I was having a good sleep but I am finding that it doesn't actually matter if I go to bed at ten or at one in the morning I will wake up exactly seven hours later ready to roll. Usually that's five but since last night was so late due to an attempt to cram two movies into the later part (Rezort and IO, respectively, on Netflix. IO was far better but Rezort had the best chase scene since Vanishing Point, not even kidding. I screamed out loud.) I went to bed at one-thirty and was up promptly at eight-thirty, or maybe that was Sam's soft knock urging us to follow him.

He had coffee in thermoses at least. Bless him. I sucked almost a whole one back and then decided I was ready to listen but he was almost done. It was cold, about seventeen degrees and I'm up to my ankles in the icy Pacific, short-shorts and a huge sweater and bedhead because that's fashion for me as of late. Underneath it the ever-present pink bikini.

I look around as the caffeine lights the fire in my veins and I think this is my life now and it's awesome.

Moonicorns.

My dark favorites of music and metal in particular are thick and heavy like cream pouring over glass, like the night settling in over the trees, layers of inky opaque purple punctuated by random tiny flashes of light, fireflies or stars to decorate the black. Just the way I like it. I tried to commandeer Ben's big headphones for the morning but he needed them and so I made due with my airpods (finally in again after three months less one week using corded phones due to the ring through my ear.) and it wasn't so bad, honestly.

Besides, Mark is here so I'm not listening to music right now. Right now I hear the hypnotic drone of his machine, the power supply humming away on the floor underneath his doc boot, the needle a higher pitched vibration as he deposits color into Lochlan's skin.

I'm always horribly jealous when someone else has work done and I can't be the one. There's something so cathartic and relaxing about focusing on the pain of the needles for a few hours. I have to watch very carefully. If I am distracted my brain forgets to stay still and I will be overwhelmed with the urge to rip myself away from that pain. If I watch I'm fine.

I'm not having any more work done. Think I'm full up. Mark has changed a few small things, touched up things and finished me off and the only parts remaining that are not tattooed are not places I would like to be tattooed so I'm done but I miss the process. And so I have my books and wine and I'm chilling out this weekend at home while they get things done. I will garden and cook and bake and maybe nap but probably not and I will Netflix and chill and Schuyler promised to take me for ice cream at a place they go since we can't get to Cows up the hill in Whistler this week and it's better if you buy it by the cone instead of by the tub.

(Whistler is overrun with mountain bikers this week for Crankworx. Not my all-time favorite season on the ninety-nine but better than ski season, oddly enough. And Cows is the best ice cream in the known and unknown universe, as ever.)

Nutshell.

I've got new Slipknot music, new tattoos to plan and rain and red wine in my upcoming weekend, a nice change from everything else as we head into the dog days of summer, ignoring the Burning Man elephant in the room. The countdown is on! The invitations are open! And for some stupid reason I have FOMO about it. Fear of missing out. Even despite the relative glamping luxury I was thrust into and still managed to catch a fucking lung infection and a whole heaping pile of misery.

I feel like I'm a part of it now and I'm supposed to show up, but honestly sticking close to home, seeing through the huge harvest of our garden, those new tattoos (not for me but for LOCHLAN who is covering some very old things that he got on a whim and should have dealt with long ago), 3/4 of a cheap red (Vintage Ink whiskey barrel aged, if you're looking. Medium dry, very mellow. Kind of good, actually and I'm not much of a red girl unless it's merlot or shiraz) and my sketch book and headphones.

I don't know why. The other part of me wants to go go go and DO THINGS SEE THINGS GO TO PLACES HAVE FUN but truly I am a homebody and I don't know how to deal with the wanderlust parts that scream so loudly. I make myself more miserable than those around me at least, so there's that. Trying to force contentment when there's no contentment to be found. It's all around us, as always and as always it's just out of reach.

Next year I'll plant epinephrine, just in case.

It could have been a lot worse. 

I hate that phrase. It makes it seem as if what happened wasn't bad enough, or catastrophic enough. It's almost a gleeful sort of schadenfreude of a comment, honestly and I smacked it out of my range of hearing with the back of my hand as soon as it came out of Caleb's mouth.

 Right. I'm fine. Really, I am.

I have no stings. I walked right into a wasp nest, tucked into the middle of the huge oregano plant that I let grow crazy and bolt like fury in order to appease the bees, ironically enough. While the bees were happily buzzing around the giant four-feet wide by three feet tall shrub I had stepped to the middle of it to pull an errant weed, and at the last second I saw the nest, before stepping directly into it. Angry wasps swarmed out in a tornado of disruption and instead of screaming I closed my eyes and my mouth and hoped for the best.

I heard shouts and didn't move. I could feel them landing on my legs, my hair, brushing my eyelashes, wondering how to fight back against this giant of a human that had just levelled the house they spent all summer constructing.

Lochlan ran right into the oregano and grabbed me and I flew out of it and into his arms. He was promptly stung four times in the space between my chest and my back through his t-shirt. PJ used a blowtorch to destroy the remains of the nest and was stung twice on the arms for his efforts. Caleb stood with a curated concerned look on his face and Duncan had his phone in hand in case someone did indeed turn out to be anaphylactic (We're not. Hell, we've done this before. A few times now.) but everyone is relatively alright.

As Caleb said, I guess. It could have been worse.

Once back inside, using baking soda to treat Lochlan's stings, he undressed me slowly, untying my spare linen dress. Two wasps fall out and hit the floor, squished. A bee falls out, crushed the same way. Lochlan starts to laugh, a relief in his voice that surprises me for it's intensity.

It would never be from something like this, I tell him. He stares at me and it makes me so uncomfortable I turn the light off with my mind. He looks toward the dresser and notes the light and asks if I can not do this sort of thing so much.

The day seemed a little dull, I tell him and he laughs some more, not in amusement but in disbelief.

The thirteen year wait (exhale, expel).

Unveil now
Lift away
I see you running
Deceiver chased away
A long time coming

Almost cried in anticipation this morning as I slipped on my headphones and cued up my purchased copy of Tool's Fear Inoculum, a single I thought would download for free when I preordered the album but it didn't and I couldn't wait.

I freaking love it. It has just enough of everything I love about them with a strange new maturity overriding it all. Just mellow enough to be so easy to slip into but still with enough of that vague sexual energy and strangeness to pull off what makes Tool Tool, I guess.

If you're not into it that's okay too. A week from now the first Starset single drops for their third album and I'm sure I'll squee all over the damned floor then too. So the legend has it if you don't like what I'm talking about, listening to, watching, just wait a minute. Or two.

It's absolutely the new music summer of our lives. I have something like five preorders incoming and more to pour over, as I am introduced to things. I love every second of it. Thirteen years ago I was a harried mom caught between Cole and Jacob, trying to raise kids who still needed endless supervision and repair a house that was in pieces around me, all the while enduring the long prairie winters that were bitterly cold and wondering if it would get better. If this was it. If everything would stay this way.

It did get better. This wasn't it. And nothing will ever be the same again, except the music. Familiar voices, modern material. I'll take it, thank you, guys.

Hummingbears.

Caleb's hand lands on my head, trailing down the back of my hair.

Your hair is getting long again, Neamhchiontach. He's right. It's two inches past my chin and headed for my shoulders again. My bangs, only the barest of baby bangs two short months ago are always in my eyes.

Finally, I agree, though he won't. He likes it chin-length or shorter, even. I can't decide if I agree with him sometimes or not. I hate photographs of my pixie cut but I did love how easy it was to manage. Long hair is heavy and hot. It's a pain in the ass. But it also is warm in the winter, in the rain and it's more versatile, plus it turns more heads. That alone will make me grow it long again.

What are you up to here? 

I'm spending some after-dinner time with the hummingbirds. They come to our front walk to drink from the flowers. They buzz close to me, curiously, and then depart. They've been here every night. So I have too.

Any around? 

I point and he sees one lone grey baby. We watch it in silence for a while. I sip the good red wine he brought for me. He has a tumbler of ice and water. Or maybe it's vodka but I think it's water.  We don't say anything for a really long time and after my glass is empty I lean back against him, very sleepy and am instantly awake when I get the distinctive smell of sandalwood and campfire I know and love so well.

Peanut, Lochlan says, his own glass of red wine new and filled halfway, bottle beside him on the porch.

When did Caleb leave?

Probably after you went radio silent ten minutes into his stay. 

And you came out?

I didn't want you to be alone. 

How come? 

Bears, maybe. Dangerous birds. You know.

I see.

Tin roof.

Today PJ and I went to get groceries together alone, knowing the stores would be all but empty thanks to the long weekend, thanks to weekends being hot and crazy as of late. I waited until we ran completely out of food, too and then I woke him up early, told him I was leaving in twenty minutes, did he want to come with?

Yeah, he said, looking almost grateful for a Big Task, and after taking a few minutes to dress and brush his (very long) hair, we were off, not having been alone for weeks. PJ is now seventeen days sober and really isn't having trouble at all. Alcohol wasn't so much an addiction for him as it was an event, and he ended the event independently and before I pointed out he was being heartbreaking and so it's not a question of him not drinking but a question of him being able to navigate stress and changes without turning into a drunken jerk in the process.

He would probably say the same about me, but for it only takes me a glass and a half of wine to be ruined and subsequently send myself straight to bed. If he had only done that this wouldn't feel strange right now. It wouldn't be so hard.

He gets into my Jeep and buckles his seatbelt.

Hey.

Hiya. You sleep?

Oh yeah. You?

Enough.

How much is enough?

Enough to get through the day without falling apart, I guess. Thanks for coming with me.

Thanks for asking. I'm always game to go.

I appreciate that.

Though they can get their own food.

I know.

Same argument every trip. Last time we tried shelf assignments in the fridge and cupboard it got crazy, and Duncan almost got scuvy. They're very large children when it comes to diet. No veggies, no fruit unless someone makes it and puts it in front of them. I mean, I could let Duncan get scuvy and then maybe he would learn but it's a hassle and what's nine extra children? I was cooking anyway.

The morning sped on and every now and then I would sneak a look at PJ to see if we were really okay and he would catch me and then look away as quickly as I did and it still feels like we have a little way to go but then he takes my hand and squeezes it. He laughs and tells me he's glad he can be here for the next stage of our lives, the children's lives, to be a part of the Collective less drunkenly maybe and with his shit together again. I point out there's been a lot of that going around lately, that both Lochlan and I have suffered glorious tantrums akin to thunderstorms, clearing out the humidity from the air, making it fresh again.

He's happy with my description, throws an extra bucket of ice cream to the top of a very overloaded cart and we're off to the checkout.

Pooling resources.

(Okay. The only part left is a trip to dispose of the rotted wooden boards (I don't even have to go) and to rebuild the gates but we're swapping those out with lightweight metal ornate open panels that look very goth and foreboding. I ordered them a while back. The cost came in at almost double what I was expecting but heavy wooden waterlogged gates are a pain so it will be worth it when it's finished.  I will stop complaining but Lochlan has promised me the years of giant DIY summer projects are coming to a close. Soon, Peanut, he said and foolishly I actually believe him.)

So I think I'll be done complaining for a bit. Because yeah. I did a fair amount of it this week and I shouldn't have. I had toasted crow for breakfast and coffee and I'm apologizing to everyone within reach. And without, for that matter. I went and tracked down everyone who bore the brunt of my childish tantrum that was seemingly neverending and I did a full circle right back to Lochlan, who pretends he forgot.

Bless him. We seem to take turns being assholes and then we get hot, tired and worn out and we're back to ourselves. It's almost like a toxic buildup and once it's cleared everything is okay again. After forty years stuck together we know exactly how to push each other's buttons, how to bring the other to their knees and how to get up and move on. How to fight and forgive, so that's good at least. We use our words, we have an awful lot of them, spread around us in five separate languages but we figure it out.

Now my keyboard is melting and I need to go find some cool water. The only kind of weightlessness I can appreciate lately.

(Happy Pride! I didn't address it but since you asked. We're staying home today. The parade day is a lot of people and it's going to be forty degrees and so I think Christian and Andrew are going but we're not going to. I bet it will be a fun and incredible event though!)

Moving to the arctic. BRB.

They took me out for breakfast. Tons of coffee. Broccoli and bacon omelettes and fruit and talk and ridiculous plans made. Futuretalk. Presenttalk. All of it was a bait and switch as the next stop was the lumberyard once again and now the wood is in the back and we have to finish the next part but then hopefully it's done.

Which is great. It's supposed to be forty degrees today.

But no cement at least. This is all edging and rebar and then she's done. I want to talk them out of repairing the gate today and spend the afternoon swimming instead.

I would cry but I feel spoiled for doing that after that massive breakfast. Plus instead of tears I think cheese would come out of my eyes. The omelette was very large and I ate it all.

I fell asleep curled around a glass of OJ that I needed help to pour.

One of the best things about the boys is between them they have enough early tradesmen skills and fools egos to do all of the home projects themselves (anything that doesn't risk voiding our insurance, I mean). So when two huge panels of the fence came down around Easter due to freak winds, they got out there and ratcheted the whole thing back up and then promptly pretended it didn't exist for the next several months. It was kind of straight and out of the way and really who has time for that?

Yesterday when it hit thirty-two on the thermometer they decided it was time to fix it. Because, yes, let's do it on what must be the absolute hottest day of the year!

They proceeded to jack up the old concrete-placed posts and put in new ones, quickly discovering the old ones were completely rotten and that's why the fence came down in the wind at all.

Cue the master plan to replace every post on that side, turning five panels into ten. We didn't have a choice but who wants to find out the work has just doubled when you've already expended all of your energies just trying to get the last build out of your way?

Oh my fucking God.

But I carried bags of concrete down(fifty pounds! Against advice but I always have a need to be one of the boys and help as much as I can.) I mixed it until my eyes burned (forgot the ski goggles and WOW what a mistake that was.), sweat was running down the inside of my clothes, which I wondered if we would have to burn, briefly.

 I measured and nailed trim pieces and I cleaned up with energy in the dark because we ran out of daylight. We ran out of wood. We ran out of patience. We ran out of common sense, as I took a step backward in the wrong place to get myself out of the way of a massive 2x6 coming my way and almost went off the cliff. I met Lochlan's very wide eyes and resolved to never ever do this again.

We'll call someone. Fuck it. That was our last fence.

They'll tell you different but I really don't care. I will be more stubborn than they can be because that's a natural gift for this girl. If I can find the energy to demonstrate it. Maybe not today though.

It looks so nice out there now. And it's safe again. Finally.

Breakfast of axioms.

Rosemary rock salt (HEAVEN) bagels on the patio with fresh french press coffee and a good solid chairback named Dalton and I feel almost human again. Lochlan sits right next to us. I was pulled into Dalton's lap as I reached for a second bagel. He figured I would crawl back out as soon as he let go but instead I remained, getting my bagel crumbs all over him, trying to chew my food while his chin rests on the top of my head, content in the warmth while it's still hardly sixteen degrees. Don't worry, I'm sure Lochlan is watching carefully for any sign that I might want Dalton to come up with us and spend a little time. Lochlan forgets I am very direct about things. If I want to add a friend, I just do.

It's like Build-A-Bear. You walk around picking out an expression, an outfit, a talent. Then they stuff it, somewhat violently, I might add, you pay your hundred and eighty dollars and bring home a weird big bear that talks to you. Or in our case, sings. We once had PJ record all of the sound clips for the kids bears and he did death metal growls. The kids still grab the bears and play the sounds when they have a new friend over who hasn't heard it yet.

Will Dalton be the bear for tonight (oh, hush you. Yes I know what a 'bear' is. He isn't that. Maybe a cub though LOL) or maybe I won't invite anyone at all. I might not even BE home in my own bed as I do have invites on hand. One is from Schuyler who invited me to Thursday Night Bed Movies with he and Daniel and a standing takeout order of ninety dollars worth of Vietnamese food. The other is from Caleb who wants to talk money and plan my investments. Cash turns him on. Riding a stock market rally is hotter to him than riding a princess. Not even sure if I need to be there, as he can just check on his numbers and stroke himself to blissful oblivion at this point.

Gee, am I ever going to pay for the descriptions of him that I have let loose here over the past few days. Or maybe (of course) he will be understanding, because I am immature and impulsive and prone to letting my emotions out on the page instead of verbally and so I can make it up to him by inviting him to my room. He gets a change of scenery, a Bridget AND a Lochlan (because as I've said many times, they're all so in love with Lochlan too) and we get a good handle on his frame of mind, something I am always keenly hyper-aware of.

But right this second I don't care about any of that, because as I said: Rosemary rock salt bagel.

All or nothing, baby.

If everyone's a casualty
Then take your time there ain't no trouble
If the weather's fine and we're feeling crazy
There's always drinks and dancing in the rubble
I'm spinning and you're spinning
The world's spinning and we're laughing
And I'm charming, the devil's charming
And we're ruined but we're still building
And I'm selling and you're counting
The world's stopping but we keep going
And we're ruthless and we're cunning
And I'm heir to it all

Sometime overnight, Jacob took a big step back. Maybe to stay out of the way, as I attempt to juggle Lochlan, Ben, Sam, Caleb and whoever else I am drawn to. You don't want to get clipped by a flaming soul on his way down, do you? Especially if you're a man of God. I bet it hurts.

Before last night and for the past ten years straight without fail when I close my eyes Jacob's face is right there. Every errant lock of heavy blonde. Every wink and each tooth. Every pore. The little scar from where he fell into a crevasse climbing Denali and the part of his temple where his eyebrow refused to fill in. Every hair on his beard. Every breath he took even though he hasn't taken one in forever. I checked. I'm still holding them all. This time he was way back. Almost out of reach.

I keep my eyes closed for a long time in case he steps back in close. I'm not sure if I'll be relieved if he does or saddened.

A hand lands gently on the back of my head. Peanut. What are you doing?

Fighting a headache, I lie. I don't want to tell Lochlan this. Every day of his life is an uphill battle for my heart, swords drawn, shield up, armour weighing down his agile limbs. I feel terrible for what I have caused. I also feel like we're even now. He ruined me as a child, I've ruined him as an adult. Now we're a perfect matched pair.

God, I love him so.

If he were to go, I would go with him. And that's something I can say so easily. I've had a lot of time to think about things, hearts, people and love. I don't think my heart will ever be big enough to contain him, and I certainly will not live without him. Not even for a day.

This would make him sad. Like everything does. But he is sad in a determined way. He'll fix it. We'll get there. He isn't going to ever give up that uphill sword fight. He thinks I'm worth it. I'm not sure I agree with that.

I don't want a normie life, Peanut. He reads my thoughts like the daily paper, absorbing current events, the weather, the classified ads. What is she selling today? What's she advertising?

Need?

Confidence?

Sex appeal?

Vulnerability?

Well, it says here on the front page that she just watched the Devil take a big step backwards, hurling bills by the fistful at anyone who ventured near enough, screaming that he can handle it, that he owns it, that he wants it anyway and can afford to maintain it. Shouting his worth from the rooftop while we cover our ears and duck against the dissonance.

Fascinating story. Glad that kind of stuff doesn't happen here, he says absently, not paying close enough attention. That sort of daydreaming will get you killed, he said to me after I almost walked in front of a turning truck once when I was picking my thoughts off the clouds where they grew, so prolifically he would have to venture in periodically to thin them out, pluck ones that were weaker, trimming back the overgrown ones, encouraging others to bloom. He doesn't care about the money. He never cared if we had any money at all, swinging widely to the other end of the rainbow, the part where it begins. No pot of gold, no treasure on this end, just a girl cranking out colors and pulling down dreams, trying to paint them up pretty to someday please her ghosts and men, failing miserably at just all of it.

Now you can have them professionally painted, the Devil says from right beside my ear and I shriek and wake up.

With sprinkles.

Everything is personal to the devil. Including any personal directive for me to have fun, any generosity extended, or any action Batman takes toward me whatsoever.

Caleb laughs, amused at Batman's ridiculously impulsive suggestion that we buy 50k worth of desserts and ups the ante because he can be a jerk about things like this, taking things to heart that have nothing to do with him at all, not understanding that he doesn't have to say a word. It's not a contest. It's not a competition. I won't 'love' Batman more.

He's being immature.

The Devil calls me this morning, tells me dinner is on him, chuckles again in his low, handsomely devilish way and hangs up on me when I pause, silent in my confusion. Ice cream always follows dinner so I clue in seconds later and call him back.

What are you doing? 

I told you, no one else gets to be the hero of your story. 

But you're the villain, remember?

And for that he hangs up on me again. I log into my bank accounts because curiosity kills the Bridget, always and almost pass out from what I see. I call him back. That's dinner for all of us for the rest-

Of your lives. Yes, I know. You can thank me later by staying away from Batman. 

You think you can buy my affections? Christ, Cale-

But he's hung up again. Great. I put the phone down, log out of the bank so no one else sees those numbers and head upstairs. I try to go into his wing without knocking but it's locked. I knock on the door and wait and after what feels like an eternity he opens the door.

You're being highly belligerent and unappreciative for what I thought was a significant gesture. 

Simple gestures are not supposed to come with contingencies, Diabhal. You're buying people again.

I disagree. Well, maybe not. Not persons, but EVERYONE. Because fuck it. I can throw down as easily as he can.

That's your prerogative.

You think Batman's 'ice cream' comes without strings?

It doesn't matter if it does or doesn't.

That's naive, Neamhchiontach. Every dollar from that man is a tie that binds you to him. 

You would know. Look what you're doing now.

Indeed. I'll be back later to help you decide what to do with your significant windfall. And also let this serve as a reminder. I built a double wall around my finances and you've only seen through one layer. Please don't assume Batman has more money than I do because I can assure you he does not. 

O-Okay. 

You seem surprised. 

I'm not surprised in the least.(I am! I lie! WTF!) I just don't see how his gesture provokes you so much.

Oh, I'm provoked, Neamhchiontach. Now, don't touch it today please. I will help you allocate it tomorrow. It took a lot of hoops to transfer that much so quickly and I don't think I want to be on the phone any more today.

Allocate it to what? 

Whatever investments you choose, of course. As long as they're of a decent yield. 

So it's not my money. 

It is, but I want it to work for you. This is too much to sit on. And no one ever made money by spending it on ice cream, so you know why I have more than he does.

This seems like a weird metaphor for my relationship with Batman and what you think of it. 

Of course it is. As I said, don't be so naive.  
 

That's some serious ice cream.

Here comes Monday morning. It's like staring down a freight train, like standing in a spotlight. It's full of messages that began from across the globe.

Butternauts!

Butternauts. Still marvelling at those things, on such a grand, lifesize scale. I wish all my dreams could come true life-size. I'd still like to own a goat. Apparently the horse I fostered wasn't welcome on the point because of livestock bylaws here and I know damn well the neighbors have their ears wide open and binoculars trained on me at any given moment. I've been known to be gardening and feel the hair on the back of my neck stand up, only to rise and give the middle finger to the sky. Like fuck off already, you don't need to check up on me, I'm just here trying to pull my carrots out of the ground so we can have them for dinner but I must have planted them in concrete because I have to dig all the way down with my fingers to get them out. Holy CRAP this is hard.

But it is Monday and once I harvested everything that was ready (please, someone come and eat all of these tomatoes), I sat down to look at the budget and found a bit of a windfall I didn't expect.

From Batman.

I message him. What is that?

Some spending money.

Some spending money is fifty dollars or so.

Not where I come from.

I can almost see his face right now. He's always amused when I talk money with him. I live in a house with a four-car garage and many wings and I still cringe when I buy my favorite rye bread because it's almost five dollars a loaf. I walk over to his house. It's so nice out this morning. He is happy to see me. I get a warm hug. He smells like goatsmilk soap. I bet he would like a goat as well. Then we could make our own soap.

This is too much. 

What would be acceptable? 

Fifty dollars. 

But there's ten of you in the house at present. 

Right? 

So I multiplied it by a thousand because you deserve it. Because to me, five thousand is acceptable for spending money. And you're all on vacation so I want you to all to enjoy. 

Market doing that well? 

That's part of it. He laughs again. Batman holds his cards so close. I don't get to see a transparent picture of his wealth but I've caught glimpses and he has more money than Caleb and yet he spends little. Just take the money and have some fun. 

After I distribute it I think I will. Ruth will be thrilled.

Does she spend a lot? 

No, she's a mad saver. Like her father. 

Ah. Good to hear. Have some fun, please, Bridget. 

That's the third time you've said that. I don't look like I'm having fun? 

From here, it appears that everyone is having fun with you, I just want to ensure that you are as well. 

I'm fine. 

Promise?

If I need you I'll be the first to let you know. 

I don't believe that for a second. This small gesture ensures that they won't wait to let me know. 

I knew it. It's not a windfall, it's insurance. 

It's ice-cream money. That's all. 

Right.

YOU'RE KIDDING ME.

Remember my favorite pasttime?

Someone went LARGE FORMAT with it.

Life-size butternauts!

A luminous late-July gloom.

Long before sunrise Sam is up and trying to tie his tie neatly before church. He's hosting a sunrise service. Last minute as his backup is ill. Sam was on vacation but he's agreed to help since he isn't away, in hopes that the same kindness would be extended should he need a day off down the road.

Here. I climb out of bed naked and stand in front of him, easily tying the tie backwards and from a disadvantageous angle. He looks in my eyes, bless him. Not like it matters, he's seen everything.

I fell asleep last night, my head against Lochlan's chest, feeling the thud-snap of his heart against my ear, hand on his stomach. Sam wrapped around my back, one hand extended around my ribcage, hand splayed to hold me close. I woke up and we were much the same, still, only Ben was there too on the other side of Sam, his arm reaching across the top of the bed, hand on the top of Lochlan's head. Lochlan is Ben's comfort object I think, and while he didn't mind finding Sam there on my right, he wasn't going to discreetly find a different place to sleep, going to crash in Sam's bed next door or back downstairs to the couch or studio couch, for that matter. Ben will just pile in, bringing a much-needed safety and security to the night that we welcome, no matter how many are in the bed.

You coming?

If I play my cards right. I wink at him and reach up to kiss his cheek.

Sam laughs. Didn't get enough last night? 

Of you, yes. Not of them. He knows I'm only teasing him. Who can get enough of Sam? Sam is a dream when you know you're awake. He knows when to be gentle and knows when to double down without ever having to ask.

Separately or together? He is curious. Openly inquisitive. We don't play games. We'd both like to dissect love proper, rip it apart, see what's inside, put it back together. Hack it for our benefits.

I shrug and whisper. I'll let them decide. Or you can, if you come back tonight.

Another kiss, a now-straight tie and he is ready, joyfully buoyant and fresh. He looks so young sometimes I almost feel bad for him but then I remember what he's like when the sun isn't just on the verge of coming up. They all have a kind of sexual Jekyll and Hyde energy that leaves them polar opposites whether it's night or day. By all I mean everyone save for Lochlan, who holds a quiet intensity with me that never wanes no matter what.

I don't mind. 

What time? 

Bedtime is elevenish, maybe twelve. But we're setting up the movie screen and projector on the side of the camper at the edge of the cliff at nine or so, so you're more than welcome to come watch a movie first. 

I may do that. I hear you serve lemonade. 

And iced tea! 

I'll be there. Now, you sure you don't want to come with me? I have a few minutes before I need to leave if you want to get dressed. 

No, like I said, I have plans. And what's wrong with my outfit? I give a twirl and he laughs.

Absolutely nothing. You're made in God's own image. 

Except the tattoos. 

Those are fine, trust me.

It's where I pick up my yearly supply of cotton candy. Just kidding. It hardly lasts the week.

It's fair day. There's a tiny fair out in the valley that encompasses everything I love. There are vendors, pigs, goats, rides and food. There's music. There's Bridget, dancing in the sun. There's me, sunburned and tired, complaining about having to leave even as they're packing the place up, waiting at the gate for me to leave already so they can all go home. PJ and Ben just have to come back from their meeting and then we can go. Henry and Caleb are spending the day together and don't want to come. Ruth and her boyfriend will be there, though probably not for as long. The others will join us but only for a couple of hours. Poor Lochlan. He fostered this obsession with amusements and so he has to bear the brunt of it. Even though he says he hates it now, that it's triggering and tired, secretly he loves it. I know it. I can see it in his eyes.

It's familiar. It heals.

We're going to rewatch The Twilight saga and eat take out Indian food. Happy Friday.

I will be brave
I will not let anything take away
What's standing in front of me
Every breath
Every hour has come to this

We're awake. It's four in the morning. I woke up like this. With tremors and terrors, I mean.
I was doing so good. And then Jacob flew and it all just went to shit.

I know, Bridge. I know.

I had figured out how to navigate Cole's arrogance, his violence, Caleb's crimes, his predilections and Jacob's crushing shock at all of it. I had put the past to bed. I had learned how to live around it and without it and I thought I had it. Jacob's absence has me leaving the door open to my brain hoping he might hear me and come back and instead all it's done is let everything back out and I'm back at square one.

Looking around, I think I hate it here.

(You new here? Oh, sit down. There's so much to explain.)

Square one, I mean. Don't read so much into it. Joel explained a long time a lot of what happens when Huge Trauma piles on top of Huge Trauma, but in beautiful, poetic and fanciful dreamlike terms so that I could process it properly and understand it. The way you do.

Oh, is it just me?

Claus was far more clinical and the other six or twelve (actually fourteen if we're keeping perfect count) professionals just had sweeping condemnations of letting me exist in the real world at all. According to most of them I should be medicated until I can't feel my skin anymore and just float through my days not even looking forward to lunch, because it would be better for everyone but also most humane for me.

Humane is a word you use to describe treatment of animals and I never forgot that, honestly. Even as they couldn't believe I could hear them. Well, fuck them. Fuck them all.

We'll be okay.

Lochlan's response to all of it was to draw the army tighter. To keep the status quo. All of them do. Too hot? Let's put in a pool. Too cold? Let's put in a sauna. Too dark? Open the curtains. Too sad? Live in a hug. Too far? Move in. Not enough privacy? Make a gazebo getaway or a music studio or a den, there's enough space. Or three living rooms. Because whatever. Too stressed? Someone will hold out a finger and stop the world as we triage whatever broken heart needs to be mended. When we boil the Collective down past the polyamory and the history and the various dynamics of who loves who most and who lives where the bottom line is no matter what we've done we're a family and we back each other up, even as we lust after each other and tear each other down, leaving deep wounds and new connections in a brutal swath of damage and repair across our point.

As long as she smiles here and there. As long as she stays here. As long as this is better than anything else. She'll be fine. We'll be fine.

I don't do drugs. I do this. I lose it and then I find it again, somehow. Miraculously and with help.

I put my hand up and cup Lochlan's face. I'll make it up to you.

He turns his face, kissing the palm of my hand. You already have.