I bought me a truck in the middle of the night
It'll buy me a year if I play my cards right
Photo free exits from baby's bedside
'Cause they don't yet know what car I drive
I'm just trying to keep my love alive
I take a deep breath. I shouldn't be here. I should be at Burning Man with August, who swears every single year that it was his last and then he goes off again the very next as if he's pulled to it unconsciously, can't help himself, can't stay away. Burning Man is the love of his life, a place that centres and builds him, a safe haven in which to recharge, something to celebrate and indulge in.
Meanwhile I'm on the other side of a bathroom door and I'm afraid to come out. Everyone always thinks I'm so full of shit, confident, egotistical even, boastful of my nights while downright greedy with the affection I seek during daylight besides. And I can be, truthfully. What you don't see is that I also have debilitating moments where I'm so self-conscious I freeze, my legs turning to stone, my hands shaking.
Out there they have plans.
I open the door and step out. My chin is quivering now but Lochlan is there, on his way in as I took too long to come out.
Hey. He kisses the palm of my hand. There are only a few lights still lit. Caleb stands by the fireplace, Ben by the window. I almost turn to go back into the bathroom to find another way out. Maybe if I open the door again there will be a different scenario here. It's a trick door, perhaps. I'll open it and there will be a field of flowers or a seashore, complete with seagulls on the other side. Maybe a busy rainy night metropolis or a tree-lined small-town street complete with pumpkins and plaid.
Ben comes over and kisses my forehead and goes on onto the balcony. He knows me. Knows I'm overwhelmed by this, every single time. I want to thank him but I'm still frozen. I want him to come back and Caleb to leave but it's not going to play out that way. They're trying to figure this out and it's still so much harder than it should be. I hate it. I hate being on display, hate being fought over. Hate anything save for one on one or for Ben with absolutely anyone else.
Turn the lights off. I say it abruptly, startling at the sound of my own voice. Please.
Caleb turns and complies. Better. Then I won't have to reflect this which I have become. I feel hands slide around my back, pulling me in close. I am stiff and unyielding.
Neamhchiontach. Lochlan says it so softly. Yes I know. He is afraid too. But that doesn't change how I feel right this minute. Outnumbered, overwhelmed. Afraid. He kisses my forehead almost exactly where Ben did and I return the favor just up underneath his chin. He relaxes ever so slightly, and I turn away in the dark testing the theory that Caleb will now be within reach as I can't hear him or see him.
I reach out and my hands touch his shirt. Yes. There he is. He reaches for me but I turn back to Lochlan. It's a warning right out of the gate. Fuck this up and you won't get another chance for a long while. Lochlan's grateful arms pull me back in. There's a moment where time stops and they remind me and each other of the safe word (forever gingerbread because why not? Something sweet. Something long and completely out of context, just so there's no mistake) and then we begin.
At some point Ben comes back. I feel his hands, smell him near me and I finally rest. At some point Caleb leaves. At some point I finally sleep, only to wake up when Lochlan talks in his dreams. At some point he wakes me up and tells me he loves me. Answering that is the only easy part of the night, but I didn't have to invoke any Christmas desserts or break up any fights either.
I do know this is not going to be my life going forward, and even with last year's fiasco I still wish I was at Burning Man instead.
Meanwhile I'm on the other side of a bathroom door and I'm afraid to come out. Everyone always thinks I'm so full of shit, confident, egotistical even, boastful of my nights while downright greedy with the affection I seek during daylight besides. And I can be, truthfully. What you don't see is that I also have debilitating moments where I'm so self-conscious I freeze, my legs turning to stone, my hands shaking.
Out there they have plans.
I open the door and step out. My chin is quivering now but Lochlan is there, on his way in as I took too long to come out.
Hey. He kisses the palm of my hand. There are only a few lights still lit. Caleb stands by the fireplace, Ben by the window. I almost turn to go back into the bathroom to find another way out. Maybe if I open the door again there will be a different scenario here. It's a trick door, perhaps. I'll open it and there will be a field of flowers or a seashore, complete with seagulls on the other side. Maybe a busy rainy night metropolis or a tree-lined small-town street complete with pumpkins and plaid.
Ben comes over and kisses my forehead and goes on onto the balcony. He knows me. Knows I'm overwhelmed by this, every single time. I want to thank him but I'm still frozen. I want him to come back and Caleb to leave but it's not going to play out that way. They're trying to figure this out and it's still so much harder than it should be. I hate it. I hate being on display, hate being fought over. Hate anything save for one on one or for Ben with absolutely anyone else.
Turn the lights off. I say it abruptly, startling at the sound of my own voice. Please.
Caleb turns and complies. Better. Then I won't have to reflect this which I have become. I feel hands slide around my back, pulling me in close. I am stiff and unyielding.
Neamhchiontach. Lochlan says it so softly. Yes I know. He is afraid too. But that doesn't change how I feel right this minute. Outnumbered, overwhelmed. Afraid. He kisses my forehead almost exactly where Ben did and I return the favor just up underneath his chin. He relaxes ever so slightly, and I turn away in the dark testing the theory that Caleb will now be within reach as I can't hear him or see him.
I reach out and my hands touch his shirt. Yes. There he is. He reaches for me but I turn back to Lochlan. It's a warning right out of the gate. Fuck this up and you won't get another chance for a long while. Lochlan's grateful arms pull me back in. There's a moment where time stops and they remind me and each other of the safe word (forever gingerbread because why not? Something sweet. Something long and completely out of context, just so there's no mistake) and then we begin.
At some point Ben comes back. I feel his hands, smell him near me and I finally rest. At some point Caleb leaves. At some point I finally sleep, only to wake up when Lochlan talks in his dreams. At some point he wakes me up and tells me he loves me. Answering that is the only easy part of the night, but I didn't have to invoke any Christmas desserts or break up any fights either.
I do know this is not going to be my life going forward, and even with last year's fiasco I still wish I was at Burning Man instead.