They mistook my kindness for weakness
I fucked up, I know that, but Jesus
Can't a girl just do the best she can?
August called me late last evening. It's as if I can conjure him and he's there. Kind of like Jake, I guess, only marginally less heartbreaking. Or maybe he's marginally more heartbreaking.
Grab your humidifier and get on a plane, baby.
Oh my God I love you.
I bet. He laughs. You okay?
Hmmm? Yes? It's not Halloween yet.
Not what I meant.
Where are you?
On the road.
Ah.
We're not in yet. Gate news is decent. Got hung up in Lovelock seeing some old friends. Still here.
Oh.
I love you, Bridget. Wish you were here.
Yeah me too. Love you too. Be safe.
Will do. Catch you on the other side.
He hung up and I tried to keep my shit together and failed.
***
Before I could get out of sight Caleb swoops in. He's an emotional vampire. He smells feelings and he's there, feasting on my affectivity, drinking up my despair, growing stronger from the elixir of my misery and then trying to fix it. Because if he can make me happy, bring me up so high he knows eventually I will fall from those heights and he'll be there to feed once more. We're a vicious cycle. We're a cyclone together. A tornado of history that flattens everything in it's path and in the waking light I really hate him right now. He can give me anything I want but I don't want any of it.
Love you, I say as he smooths my bangs back with his thumb, smiling at me gently.
We can go.
I can't handle the conditions.
We'll bring the doctor. You can run around with an IV pole. It'll be a look.
Sounds like certain disaster.
Okay, stay home and cry over your livestream instead.
That isn't...why I was crying-
You need to learn to embrace what I can provide.
I'm no longer sure if he's talking about impulsive trips or well-planned, choreographed sex parties anymore.
I split the difference. I thought I was.
Not even close. He laughs but there's an undercurrent of disapproval so strong I go under, fight to get back to shore and give up, preparing myself to die.
***
It was a one-off, Peanut.
I was, you mean. A little bit of a stressful night as I couldn't relax enough to get anywhere except for with Ben and you don't think that shit tears at Lochlan just a little bit?
Should have had a little wine first.
Should have had a lot of things. Maybe not Caleb.
I'm just trying to make you happy.
Then don't agree with me.
What?
Nothing.
Bridge-
Hey, Lochlan?
Yes?
Can we go to Burning Man?
No, Bridget. It's bad for you. And by the time we got ready it'd be almost over.
Okay.
Wait, what?
That's what I want. Is for you to be what I'm used to.
The killjoy? Your dad?
The voice of reason. You're the only part of my brain that keeps me sane.
He smiles a weird grateful smile, maybe getting the confirmation he needed that he doesn't have to try and make all of my wildest dreams come true, he just has to keep being himself and stay true to what he knows is right and what is wrong and not fuck with those things. Ever.
I'm really glad you said that, Peanut. I needed that.
I nod because I'm losing it. I'm also hung up in Love-Loch and I can't say anything to him in return.
Grab your humidifier and get on a plane, baby.
Oh my God I love you.
I bet. He laughs. You okay?
Hmmm? Yes? It's not Halloween yet.
Not what I meant.
Where are you?
On the road.
Ah.
We're not in yet. Gate news is decent. Got hung up in Lovelock seeing some old friends. Still here.
Oh.
I love you, Bridget. Wish you were here.
Yeah me too. Love you too. Be safe.
Will do. Catch you on the other side.
He hung up and I tried to keep my shit together and failed.
***
Before I could get out of sight Caleb swoops in. He's an emotional vampire. He smells feelings and he's there, feasting on my affectivity, drinking up my despair, growing stronger from the elixir of my misery and then trying to fix it. Because if he can make me happy, bring me up so high he knows eventually I will fall from those heights and he'll be there to feed once more. We're a vicious cycle. We're a cyclone together. A tornado of history that flattens everything in it's path and in the waking light I really hate him right now. He can give me anything I want but I don't want any of it.
Love you, I say as he smooths my bangs back with his thumb, smiling at me gently.
We can go.
I can't handle the conditions.
We'll bring the doctor. You can run around with an IV pole. It'll be a look.
Sounds like certain disaster.
Okay, stay home and cry over your livestream instead.
That isn't...why I was crying-
You need to learn to embrace what I can provide.
I'm no longer sure if he's talking about impulsive trips or well-planned, choreographed sex parties anymore.
I split the difference. I thought I was.
Not even close. He laughs but there's an undercurrent of disapproval so strong I go under, fight to get back to shore and give up, preparing myself to die.
***
It was a one-off, Peanut.
I was, you mean. A little bit of a stressful night as I couldn't relax enough to get anywhere except for with Ben and you don't think that shit tears at Lochlan just a little bit?
Should have had a little wine first.
Should have had a lot of things. Maybe not Caleb.
I'm just trying to make you happy.
Then don't agree with me.
What?
Nothing.
Bridge-
Hey, Lochlan?
Yes?
Can we go to Burning Man?
No, Bridget. It's bad for you. And by the time we got ready it'd be almost over.
Okay.
Wait, what?
That's what I want. Is for you to be what I'm used to.
The killjoy? Your dad?
The voice of reason. You're the only part of my brain that keeps me sane.
He smiles a weird grateful smile, maybe getting the confirmation he needed that he doesn't have to try and make all of my wildest dreams come true, he just has to keep being himself and stay true to what he knows is right and what is wrong and not fuck with those things. Ever.
I'm really glad you said that, Peanut. I needed that.
I nod because I'm losing it. I'm also hung up in Love-Loch and I can't say anything to him in return.