Wednesday, 12 September 2007

Read twice, cut once.

Here's the thing. It isn't the way it appears to be. Jacob is not Cole, and Ben has not become Jacob. Tell that to my head. It's successful this time because I spend no time with Ben anymore. Because I don't have to get away from Jacob, I'm not afraid of him, he's not systematically destroying me and Ben is not rescue. No one gets this. I'm not an idiot, but...



What kind of love is this? Ben and I have destroyed each other. We've broken each other down and used each other up and he is not someone I could have or would have made a life with. The day I met Ben he was singing. He smiled and complimented me and I complimented him right back and then I introduced myself and discovered he and Cole were already friends. I liked everything about Ben but namely I liked how shamelessly perverted he was. And it has stuck and we were twins in how sick and twisted we could be together. Verbally. How well we got on together.


And I knew when he fell and I knew the moment I became his muse, too and not just Cole's. A different sort of muse that now takes the brunt of the truth for what he felt for me.

Unaware but so so aware.

I held no shame, I let it roll, and on it has rolled for a million years and I really thought it was a surface thing. A flighty, crushy, lowkey, softcore kind of love. And he slapped me in the face with truth and it changed everything and it changed nothing and it took me away from him and then I realized that I loved him like a brother and he loved me like a wife. He wouldn't have cared if it was incestuous, I'm not even ever sure if Ben cared if I were male or female, there's something that he needs from me.

And I need something from him, only I can't figure out what. And don't be sarcastic with me because you think you know what that is. You don't know a thing about me.

For scorekeeping purposes, whatever I had with Loch I'm hopefully getting out of my system, we haven't talked nor have we felt the need to. But with Ben, I'm having a really hard time letting go.

And he has fallen apart.

Jacob will tell you I am vulnerable and it doesn't matter what I feel. Maybe he doesn't know me either.