Facetimed with Ben (and Daniel and Schuyler) and we both might have cried. Schuyler cried on our behalves and Daniel didn't even once wipe his eyes, tears streaming, everyone he loves in one spot, but not. And I did the unthinkable, the thing that's not healthy or good for anyone, the expensive, damaging, selfish, entitled thing and I asked Benjamin to come home, that he can do zooms with his people and we'll find a five-star chef and we'll go on hikes and make crafts in the back yard and hire a masseuse to come visit every day and work on ourselves here.
At home.
Where he belongs.
I expected a deluge of disappointment, admonishings and lectures. I expected someone would just end the call and spare me the usual humiliation of being spoken to slowly and with purpose, explaining all the reasons why things are the way they are and why I'm a horrible, no-good little asshole for even suggesting he leave early.
But to my surprise, Ben turned the phone away from the others, winked and said How does Tuesday sound?
What do you mean? What's on Tuesday?
Our flight home, Bumblebee.
And I start shaking and flapping and fluttering and drop the phone. Off the cliff, where I cry out in dismay as I watch it slide down the grass and then bounce down the rocks and Lochlan leans out over to watch too and starts laughing and pulls out his phone as he pulls me back away from the edge, where we had been sitting at the top of the steps, showing Ben the storm clouds rolling in for the big rainstorm tomorrow.
We are walking back up to the house and he calls Schuyler. Fastest way to reconnect since we don't have to page Ben who is probably talking to a rock or maybe to the grasses halfway down the cliff right now. Wondering if I jumped. Or fell. Or threw the fucking phone.
What happened? Schuyler looks alarmed and we both wave at the screen. He hands his phone to Ben again.
I dropped my phone off the edge.
We'll go get a new one next week, okay, Bee?
Are you sure?
It was a top up. Four weeks. I'm already done. Just had to get my legs under me. Did they talk to you?
I nod at him. Yeah.
They said they did.
I'm game. If Lochlan's game.
We're going to go to Polytherapy (our word for it). Which is where they will teach us not to also fall in the hole while looking into it for the ones we love most. Ben and I will run ourselves over trying to be miserable together. It's horrible and beautiful. Lochlan hates it but he has his own problems and will be learning how to provide actual, in the moment support in a more meaningful way than he has been taught thus far, still finding it far more comforting to simply cut and run. It worked in the old days, it works when you need it too. It doesn't work at all for us.
Good. And what about you?
I'm here.
Bee-
I just need you back here.
When I was there you didn't want me there.
That's never been true ever, Benjamin.
Just checking.
I just need to not do a ritual sacrifice if you have a down day.
Me neither. We're like Romeo and Juliet do Groundhog day.
Perfect.
It's so far from perfect, Love.
Get home safe.
Be there when I get home.
Always.
Then I dropped Lochlan's phone when the fluttering started again (stupid cast. I drop EVERYTHING) but it bounced harmlessly off his leg, landing in the wet grass to the side of the concrete path. He laughed and collected it. Can't believe I have both of you and you're literally the same person, just in two different bodies.
Sorry.
Don't be. I'm not.