Pulled down roughly into Caleb's lap this morning and kept there, on the couch by the kitchen woodstove. Lochlan's gone up to do some work organizing files and we already walked up the hill to vote. Somehow we couldn't do it during the four days of advanced voting so we got out before the lineups got long. Henry is still sleeping. So is PJ. It's a quiet post-rain day. Caleb was reading with his coffee on the table when we got home. He's been nothing jovial lately so no one is in early warning mode at all, even though I can't go near him lately and I'm unable to articulate as to why.
I looked into your house listing.
I stiffen slightly. Here he is trying to fix everything that's broken between us with more money. Money can't bring people back to life so it's no good to me anymore. Will he listen? Never.
It has water damage. You can actually see it in one of the pictures. The owners appear to be walking away.
It was just a day dream. Do you have any imagination at all?
Dreams don't make sound economical decisions, Neamhchiontach.
They're not supposed to. And I need to go upstairs so may I leave?
I'm not keeping you here, he says as he relaxes his grip on me. But maybe we can sit down later and you can go over your list, and we can find or plan something to build that will give you the peace of mind you're looking for.
It won't and that is the whole point, just to scroll listings and see if you can imagine yourself living in a place.
I could live anywhere with you.
Not with that lack of imagination.
Talk to me for real, here, Bridget. What's happening.
I'm just processing the book, that's all.
The book.
Yes, the one I talked about for three weeks straight while I struggled through it. The one you said you read and you didn't. The one everyone said they read.
So I should read it.
Probably not. I just need time.
I need you.
Maybe later.
You've been saying that for a while now.
Why does every fall season see you getting pushy and possessive? Let me live. Please.
He stares at me for so long I see his emotions run the gamut behind his expression. It's neutral but his eyes range from rejection, shock to panic, fear and then protective and finally acceptance.
But for how long? I just want to make sure you navigate the hard parts with everything you need, that's all.
You know what I need?
I can't bring him back, Dollface. How many years are we going to do this?
Until I see him in Heaven.
Do I need to call Lochlan?
Lochlan's here, Lochlan says, pulling me up gently out of Caleb's arms, being so careful with my cast when no one else remembers.
I think she's starting to get panicky and tired, Loch. Anything I can do?
Be less demanding. The rule is she comes to you. Don't make things more difficult than they are.
The book-
I know. Reading it now.