I went for a swim this morning. Lochlan was going to say no and then at the last moment he didn't put up a fight at all. I wouldn't have listened anyway. Saltwater fixes everything, goes the saying, and they're not wrong, though once I stopped shivering I realized everything was still broken but now I am also struggling to stay warm.
I tried to put claustrophobic restrictions on Everett's access to me and got shot down at every turn. They want him to have a chance to see how I roll. Wow. That's a lot to ask. I don't think this is fair. I'm not a bug under a microscope. I'm not someone's science project. I am not a mannequin in a store window and I am NOT open to anyone's interpretation if you're in my home. There's no room here for error or misguided attempts to solve a problem that's hardly a problem, if you ask me. I know what's fucking wrong with me. I have a whole LIST here somewhere. Actually two. The fun part was comparing Jacob's list with Claus' and then with Joel's. Three, then.
I don't need a fourth list. I said this to Ben as he got dressed for the day and he laughed. He finally sat down and said he wanted to do for me what I just did for him, which was sit in a hospital room for so many days I forgot where I lived, and then I came home and worked my ass off helping him do anything he needed to do to get back to us. I would do it again too. I would do anything for Ben.
Then do this.
Since when do you owe me anything? You were the one who was here after Jake. You bought me a car. You walked the kids to school. You made sure I wasn't alone. You kept me away from Caleb-
And I would do that again too.
God we're like two knights fighting over who is the noblest.
Isn't it 'most noble'?
Does it matter?
I guess it doesn't, Bee.
I don't want him here.
Give him two weeks. Remember, we don't have Joel anymore and August isn't nearly as objective as he used to be and Sam is in a weird place and needs a little room to breathe and-
Two weeks? Aughhhhhhhhhhhhh.
Two weeks. Give Everett until the Ides of March and if it's still a problem he will go. But also give him a shot. He's really good to talk to and is unconventional. You feel like you're talking to a friend. He became a good friend. That's why he's here. Few people get an opportunity like this. You don't have to go anywhere. You don't have to be away.
But...but...four course meals and campfire projects!
Ben laughs. I've never stopped (warmly) teasing him about the luxury-retreat aspect of his rehab. We literally paid thirty thousand dollars a month and he came home with wooden carved bookmarks for everyone and a sober outlook. He gained weight. He looked happy for the first time ever. It was profoundly terrifying. We can have those if you want! Any time, Bee..
I hold up my pinkie without a word. I want a promise. I want to be allowed to hold a knife capable of carving wood instead of only softened butter. I want to be left alone in my misery but more importantly I want them to be proud of me. Actually I don't. I'd be happy if Ben and Lochlan were proud of me. The rest of them can kiss my ass. But I also have my doubts here. I don't think I have Ben-type problems. Mine are different and obscure and well-hidden and I'm a super-overachiever high-functioning adult-child here and I don't know if Everett is ready for these sorts of horrors.
He is, Ben assures me, wrapping his little finger around mine and then pulling my hand up to his lips to kiss it.
Then let's invite him to dinner. I am resigned. Fuck it. I want that pat on the head more than anything right now.
He's making dinner for us, tonight. He's already downstairs looking at supplies and pots and pans in case we need to head out and pick anything up.
Oh really? Wait, who is we?
Everett, Lochlan and myself.
Three musketeers, then.
He's going to be your new best friend. Bridget, you'll see.
I already have a best friend.
Who's that?
You.