It wasn't until much later that I thought about his words and realized that we may not have the right, but we do it anyway.

I have returned from thy kingdom come and all beyond that burned
I've come from an age immersed in a mighty force of mortal rage

I cannot run
I hear your call
We're only chasing shadows now that castles cannot fall

 

I saw Matt last evening. He asked if we could talk on the porch and so I asked him to make some tea for us while I finished putting away the dishes. He did that and arranged a saucer of cookies too, balancing the plate on his cup, holding doors for me as we made our way out front. The rain was just beginning but at least it's still warm. I curl into the big bench, tucking my bare feet under a blanket, resting my head on his shoulder as he joins me.

We sip our teas and watch the rain for a long time. I'm almost asleep and I start to get annoyed. I have things to do and I can't have a rational conversation when I get very tired. I finish my tea and put my cup on the table. Not gently. Matt chuckles softly. 

What is it? I'm trying to sound neutral. 

Why are YOU angry? 

Am I angry?

Yes. I can feel it. 

Huh. Interesting. 

I see you're not going to engage. 

No, Matt, I'm not. 

Bridget, I really appreciate the boundaries and the respect you show for my marriage. 

I laugh out loud. Haven't done anything of the sort. Actually that isn't true at all, unless you look at the very big wide-angle picture right in front of your face.

And I think you have your hands full, he continues. This is just an outside observation.

From an insider? 

I wouldn't call myself that. 

You've been a willing participant in this commune, Matthew, so I don't know what made you go and jump back on...I guess a high horse here. 

The fact that you called out something that excluded me that involves my husband and openly questioned his devotion.

I'm going to call out anyone who twists the truth to protect themselves and leaves me to the wolves in the process.

I'm not going to be a casualty of your storms, Bridget. I will always take Sam's side. 

So will I but if it comes down to who to save from a burning building maybe you should be very clear on what Sam would do. 

He would stay behind and call the flames to distract them from the rest of us.

Oh my God, you're right, I sit up and turn to look at him. What do you want from me? To ignore Sam's narrative if it strays from the truth?

If that's what makes him happy, then yes.

This is not how I expected this conversation to go, you know. 

We're all just looking for our own fairy tale here, aren't we? We don't have the right to actively take that away from someone else, do we?

You've learned that. Do you think the rest of us can?

I do.

Then I'm doomed. 

Maybe not. There's a reason Sam is here and I don't think it's the one you think. Matt kisses the top of my head, takes our dishes and goes inside.