Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa
I said no, I said no
Listen close, it's a no
The wind is pounding on my back
And I found hope in a heart attack
Oh at last, it is past
Now I've got it, and you can't have it
Saturday morning sunshine and frost and there's a stranger in my kitchen when I finally deign to crawl out of the Devil's darkness which isn't so bad save for the fact that he's on his best, hoping for exactly this, only he's wrong and the hopes I've already smashed against the ice, shards on brick so you can break your neck when the sun blinds you and you fail to watch where the hell you're going.
There's no warning here, no advance notice, no guarded introductions. The stranger gets up and is in front of me before I can run, hand outstretched like we are normal people and I already feel that we are nothing of the kind.
I quarantined and have also tested negative before coming here, he assures me,
(Did I tell you about the time I was belting out REO Speedwagon's Can't Fight this Feeling and I sang On a corn-dog winter's night instead of a cold dark winter's night and I guess I was hungry and thinking about the corn dogs from the booth closest to our camper and Lochlan laughed all damn night and I had this feeling that I was young and dumb and would never be anything BUT young and dumb and damned if I don't feel like that now. Still. Except Line Without a Hook came out and I'm obsessed with that now instead.)
You must be Bridget.
The one and only, Lochlan says quietly in his showman-voice from the table nearby and I automatically stick my hand out.
Who are you?
Forgive me. The anticipation of this moment left me without my manners. My name is Everett.
Dr. Everett what? Forgive my own manners. I'm guessing you're not actually here on an informal, first-name basis.
He is sizing me the fuck up. Surprised at my unabashed forthrightness. I'm not a shy person. I can be quiet and I hate interactions I don't expect but the very last thing I am is shy. I was the first person to volunteer to do my projects at the front of the room and the first to run out and take a bow for the audience at the end of the night. I don't care for fear of crowds or being in the spotlight. It will happen and there's no point getting worked up over it. I save my fears for the very stupidest things instead. Like flowering teas, peat fires and death.
(Because you have to, at the very least, be reasonable about these things.)
I see in your difficulties you've definitely met your share of professionals.
Yes but usually my husband doesn't install one in my kitchen without preamble.
Lochlan finally talks to me. This one is on your boyfriend, Sweetheart.
Caleb didn't-
It was Ben.
Everett's eyes get a little wider but then he checks himself. The stories are true but no one ever believes it until they meet me.
I turn and stare at Lochlan with my own eyes wide. Where is Ben?
Out. Lochlan chuckles, in on the joke. Kind of cruel, if you ask me.
Out? Where?
Breakfast with Dunk and a meeting, I believe.
Oh. Nice.
He doesn't need to be here. He wanted Everett to just show up and work.
What, like Saturday morning mobile counselling service?
Lochlan laughs incredulously again and I realize I got it all wrong. Everett continues to watch me and it's bothering me but I can't deal with him right now. He clears his throat but I still watch Lochlan instead.
Bridget-
One second. Please. I tell him and turn back. Locket. Come on. Tell me what's going on. Wait. Am I going away? My voice disappears before I can finish the sentence.
Lochlan kicks his chair over getting up. He's in my face in seconds. No. You're not going anywhere. I told Ben this wasn't a fair way to do this but Everett's going to stay here for a bit and see if we can set you on the right road again.
Again? Ever, you mean.
Eh, some years are better than others. Everett's from Ben's last stay. He was really incredible with some of the grief work and Ben came back to us so much better. Do you remember?
I nod but the tears are coming because I feel defeated and afraid and I really don't want to do this in front of someone. I remember the name now with the context. Ben actually talked about him a few times. But to invite here to the point to live without even giving me fair warning is still awful and I hate it and now I'm going in with a huge chip on my shoulder. Lochlan holds his lips against my forehead, squeezing me tight in his arms for so long I almost forget Everett is there until he speaks again.
Come and sit down so I can introduce myself properly, please, Bridget.
Lochlan squeezes once and I nod against his chest. He lets go so slowly, so gently and I pat his chest. Don't go anywhere, please.
Wouldn't dream of it. Another kiss on the forehead and he heads to the counter to make coffee.
Everett pulls a chair out for each of us. Almost facing each other but not quite. I sit in one and pull my knees up under my chin, resting my head on them, looking away. Good start. I'm twelve. I'm still deciding whether or not I want to do this or punish Ben for doing it to me. Whatever it is that he's done.