Two in the morning is the danger hour. Two in the morning is when he is vulnerable and kind. Two in the morning is when his lifelong remorse hits him like a freight train, flinging him off into a dark even he can't climb out of and I must bring him back with me. Pulling his arm along in both my hands, wiping the sweat from my eyes as I try and find the strength to drag myself and the extra two hundred pounds of a devilman with me.
He is eternally grateful and humble and raw.
I love you, he says, his eyes bright in the now near dark of closer to home.
When he says it like that I never answer, lest I fall right off the edge, back into the endless black.
***
In the morning Caleb is surprised to find me still there. He's surprised I'm not crowing for the success of my magnificent efforts to pull us back into the land of appearances, my strength all but eclipsing his own. And yet it is a gift from him, like this small box he presents me with as I sit up in his bed, looking out the window, sheets wrapped around me for warmth.
I'm supposed to give you birthday presents.
It's a very late Christmas gift. My apologies. It arrived at the beginning of the month. Open it, please, Neamhchiontach.
I tear off the paper and wiggle the lid off the box. Oh. It's a pen. It's a beautiful handmade fountain pen from antler with copper bits and bobs and it's likely the prettiest pen I've ever seen and I have all of the Benu glow-in-the-dark ones.
Oh my God, it's beautiful.
I knew you would like it. But since you need something as beautiful to write in, this is also for you. He hands me a small packet now and I open that too and inside is a whole selection of notebooks. You already have a cover you love so this is just some papers to try.
Wow, someone's paying attention. I have a journal. It's a diary, art journal and smashbook all in one. It's four inches thick and I drag it everywhere with me. It has three different notebooks in it now but the size I use makes it hard to find notebooks and I could order online but I prefer to feel the papers and the covers and make sure it's going to work. These will work. I don't have to buy anything for the rest of the year.
Sure you will, he laughs.
No. I'm good, for sure.
You are far too easy to please, Bridget. But he is happy because I am happy. And all the things I want for can't be bought.