Sam is on deck this morning. When I come downstairs he has coffee ready. He is Ben's workout partner this morning but I get enveloped in a hard warm hug because Ben isn't even up yet. Sam has a key for the main house and he always feeds everyone first so I think I made a mistake in giving them (he and Matt) the boathouse. It would be more productive to have him here but if anyone should have some privacy it's them.
Not me, I have none. Zip. Zero.
The hug lingers forever and I lean back and swing gently against his elbow. His face is half an inch from mine. He smells like coffee and shampoo.
Thought if we have time we can take our coffees out to the gazebo and talk for a bit.
About?
Anything you want to talk about.
Sam loads a tray with the cups and two bananas and off we go. I hold the doors. When we get there I crank the heat and close all the doors. The glass lets the light in and keeps the breeze out. He puts the tray down and I pull out two fat pillows and we sit crosslegged, facing each other. I pick up my cup, take a sip and burn my tongue. I peel a banana and take a bite to soothe the pain.
Did you want to talk this morning? He tries again. I now have a huge mouthful of banana and am studying my cup with interest, trying to keep my mouth closed while I chew.
Mrpghmw.
I'll take that as a yes. Lochlan is concerned that by scaling back the meds it will just cause a renewal of your anxiety-
Eharkkkr!
I'm sorry?
I finish chewing and swallow another sip of coffee. He's right.
What do you mean?
Anxiety is my middle name.
Right so what fears specifically are you dealing with right now?
Peat fires.
What?
I'm afraid of peat fires.
And?
Flowering teas, but you know that one.
Yeah, that's a weird one. But you can avoid both of those.
I don't know, peat fires can smolder for AGES underground. Did you see the fog this morning? What if it wasn't cold air against warm air and instead it was-
Peat fires.
RIGHT.
Don't squander these resources, Bridge.
Don't medicate into someone you'd all like me to be, Sam.
We're trying to help.
It's the same old song and dance, Samuel. I say it gently. I can't be fixed. We both, hell, we all know this. Drugs are just easy patient management. I get it. I can try harder but I can't keep doing this.
Peat fires.
They're terrifying. Look it up.
I love you, Bridget. We'll find something that works.
I know, I lie. I love you too. (That part's true.)
*(Yes, I know what rule 34 is. It's the irony here.)