Doing my best Gwen Stefani this morning, belting out the lyrics to Don't Speak while I knead more bread because the bread that rose so beautifully yesterday ended up having the parchment fused to the bottom and I couldn't steam it off nor would it peel off so I ended up shaving the whole bottom of the loaf off with a bread knife and then I sliced it so it's messy but delicious toasted with cheese and I guess that's the main thing but for sandwich bread I need something a little more solid. I threw away the rest of the parchment. I actually hate the rye flour and I want to use it up. What I love about rye I guess were the caraway seeds crunching between my teeth but I didn't even get those at the store because they didn't have any so I make it without them, though sometimes with dill and it's okay but not spectacular so back to the regular white bread because fuck this shit.
At least I tried, though I feel as if being adventurous these days is choosing a weird movie to watch or making strange recipes. We've bought all the weird fruit at the store and the weird vegetables too and watched everything that Netflix, Disney, Amazon Prime video and crunchyroll have to offer, or so it seems and I've resorted to sitting in my kayak on the beach in the rain reading under an umbrella. I learned I didn't grow up on turnips, they may have actually been rutabagas. HI MOM. AGAIN, THANKS FOR THE LIES. I learned I tie my shoelaces backwards (blame Lochlan, he taught me) and I also learned that I can happily buy Nike Air Force One Lows without special-ordering after all because my feet are so small in Nikes I'm practically in the toddler range. Size 5.5. I bought ones with an aurora swoosh and I'm thrilled, only it's muddy so I can't wear them outside until it dries up a bit.
I have eaten my way through every mango (hate them) and Pomegranate (LOVE THEM) in the big weekly fruit basket from Ben's team. Beginning February 15 he will be returning to 'work' as it were, finishing anything he didn't completely finish and opening up for offers for new work. He will be six months out from his accident and is virtually unscathed at this point with only fractional issues now that I would easily notice but you will never catch. The relief is crushing here for us for that but his medical team said it was the fact that he had a whole team of helpers and supporters so there were no 'days off'. Sam credits God, Caleb credits himself for...holding back (ASSHOLE) and Lochlan says Ben is so much stronger now than every before because he didn't break, and that's sort of like Bridget, isn't it?
I appreciate the comparison but I'm not strong at all. I haven't had a single day this week that I haven't resorted to bratty, spoiled and positively helpless tears over some completely normal thing because I don't know how to deal with big things or normal things, come to think of it and so I sit in the kayak on the rocks and read my book and wait for the waves to come and take me somewhere new. Somewhere where everything I think of is a good idea and everything I attempt is successful and there are no setbacks, glitches, events or bad news and maybe the sun comes out the quiet the swells so I don't paddle with my heart in my throat. It used to be painful but it's not anymore, I'm so used to it and I don't like that feeling much either.
It's as if they don't have my size, and I'm not that big so it should be easier, shouldn't it?