The rain is screaming down from the sky, sheets of misery to wrap around our chilling bones, the wind its easy companion as they swirl and dance across the bluffs, ruffling the leaves on trees, swaying branches with their tendrils of struggling winter.
I watch all of this from Caleb's windows. Up at four, the ever-present tiny early welcoming committee of one for the sun, waiting for the sky to change from cloaked to exposed. Saturday nights are for the Devil, as of late and then the early hours are for the wolf he becomes and then the later morning hours are for Jesus, but that's only if I go down and fire up my ipad in order to listen to Sam's recording.
Except this morning I woke up in a blind panic, nightmares crowding in, heart racing off into the dark like the scared animal that it is, cold water rushing in to fill the space. Salt stings, waves roar and I can't hear anymore at all.
Caleb is there but he doesn't know what's going on, why I'm swallowing my breaths with choking sobs, why I'm fighting my way out of his arms. The only thing I've got as I dig through an empty box of tools is breathing so I press my nose against the glass, staring at the ocean and I breathe in through my nose as far as I can fill my lungs and then I exhale through my mouth, fogging up the glass, obscuring the view completely. When everything outside goes away completely I turn around and try and extricate myself as fast as I can.
Okay please don't fight me but I can't breathe and I need to leave here and find out how to fix it. I can't do it alone I can't do it with you either.
He pulls me in with one hand against his warm skin, arm around my back, hand against the side of my head so I can feel his heartbeat. He starts to sway to an invisible song and he picks his phone up with his left and struggles out a message and then he grabs his pajama pants and puts them on before resuming his sway. He kisses the top of my head.
Shhhhh. Just count the beats. See if you can match them.
My heart hammers away and his is barely elevated but a challenge is a challenge and I am off and running, focusing in on the quiet thumps I can feel against my head. He's using affection, distraction right off the bat and it's a rare but becoming wildly more frequent tender display from a man who gets everything he wants by force.
Lochlan is there before I can count to ten. Suddenly I am a sandwich.
Let's dress warm and get out for an explore, Ben says. Don't know where he came from. He must have followed Lochlan. Caleb nods against my head.
We drove for a few hours and then walked trails in the pouring rain. It was incredible. I am tired and wet and cold and now I feel alive.
Isn't it beautiful? I took this picture just before we made the trek back.