Since PJ has been cranky lately (a usual this time of year) and Lochlan and I are at odds, Ben has been sent to play fake guardian angel, keeping the true angels away while I flail through life bouncing off a flannel shirt or eight as I go. Better than an electric fence, I suppose as the zap and subsequent bark from the big black bear wandering out of the driveway kept me rapt in the early hours, between waking up and being allowed to actually leave the room long enough to have a shower. Then I had to wait for Ben to be able to go downstairs and get coffee, and now he is my shadow that blocks the sun. I don't exactly mind. I miss him when he's not around and he parked me within reach for two hours already this morning while he did a workout and ran through his morning routine which involves quashing cravings, healing traumatized brains and retraining short-term memory.
(For both of us, truth be told. Only he makes real, visible progress and I am so jealous I could cry.)
The reward is a walk on the beach, a scream into the wind (still within reach) and a long talk about how I'm feeling. If you're wondering how that's going it's going great. They are forcing me to take the meds, they don't care if I can't think for myself or feel anything and I'm never alone so no privacy, no quiet time, no lunch being just what I wanted to have without either taking it to a vote or having to make enough for two or three people. I get it, I am a horrible little troll who needs to be babysat and also if I'm not I have a tendency to make ghosts my new best friends and in their place the devil, besides and no one is actually mad at me today. Sam thinks by staying I didn't get hurt worse, Lochlan can't even believe I called his bluff and went in the first place. Ben is mildly irritated that I didn't bring him along for kicks protection but at least he says how he feels upfront and doesn't expect me to fix it for him or do anything different, though I pointed out he was right and I should have and I won't do it again (without him, as if I am not tired enough already). He liked the apology even though he said it wasn't necessary and pointed out it's going to be a better year.
Besides, more daylight, Bee. What does the sun come up at now? Seven?
Seven-fifty-seven.
And it doesn't set til like six now? Right?
Four-fifty-four.
You still count down to the minute.
Yes.
Why, Bee?
I'm afraid of the dark. It's a frank statement. I am. I wasn't, once, but I am now.
I think you should stay on these meds.
This is a death sentence.
Give your brain time to rest. Go off them later.
I know. I know the logic. I don't want to live like a zombie.
You're not.
How do you figure?
You're cranky today. That's a feeling.
Lochlan said it's an attitude.
He worries for you. Be comforted in that.