Schuyler is less convinced that a good long kayak excursion has cured me. Also I cannot lift my arms to hug him when he greets me. Honestly he is a lot like Caleb in that way, he likes his lovers helpless, and maybe Daniel and I are more alike than Daniel wants to admit.
And also their lives are far less complicated so Schuyler spends virtually all of his free time keeping a close eye on Daniel's particular shade of blue at any given moment. I think because I am smaller sometimes I slip through the cracks.
But not tonight.
Aside from sore arms how do you feel?
Fine, I lie and he gives me a kiss, trapping one lock of white-blonde hair between our lips as I can't get my arm up fast enough or high enough to pull it away.
Liar, he hisses against my teeth. God, Schuyler loves a full house and people who need him. Hellbent on not being needy I push off and point out the time.
Already fixed, he says, pulling me back in. Daniel kisses the top of my head from the dark behind me and I can already feel myself relaxing but I step out from between them anyway.
I'm beginning to think you keep Lochlan running on purpose.
Schuyler smiles. He's free to say no but maybe I do.
You've got everything you need right here. I pull Daniel in front of me. He doesn't actually move but it's the thought that counts.
Schuy nods. I do. Daniel holds my heart and my soul.
Then why am I here?
It's nice to have a pet. They both laugh and I am gone now, high on attention, wound out on the warm affection I crave more fiercely than oxygen. I make mental notes, as always on the way they check in with each other. A look, touch or a word. A pause. A rush in, too fast, so intense and then I blink and I am awake and no one else is and I don't remember falling asleep, I don't remember this night ending only I do remember smiling as I watch them lavish their affection on each other, a truer love existing nowhere else that I can think of.
And now I feel like I want to cry.
Schuyler wakes up and sees the look on my face. You okay? What's up, Bee?
Just had a massive attack of jealousy, that's all.
He pulls me in close, talking into my hair. I will definitely be washing it today. Because of last night's antics, and because of his breath. It's not bad, exactly but it's not really good either. There's no place for that. With Loch you two have the love for the ages. It's withstood wars and birth and death and sabotage and the Collective. That's something to be jealous of.
I never see him though and when I do see him we fight.
I didn't say life isn't hard, Bridget but you've got everything you need and I've already put the word out for some people to replace Loch so he can actually retire instead of just talking about it.
You say that every six months.
He's a fixer. I don't meet many people like that. It's going to take six people to replace one of him. That takes time. I'm sorry. He's sorry. But you know he likes to be busy so I get it.
Maybe I could keep him busy.
You're the only thing he can't fix. That makes him crazy, you know that? He's scared to death someone else will be able to before he can. Jake was the biggest threat of his life and he's always got Caleb breathing down his neck-
Caleb isn't breathing down anythi-
He is, and it doesn't matter if he's not a threat. If he helps in any way then Lochlan sees red. It's not a bad thing. It'll get better. Everything will.
I wish I had your optimism.
Look around. I'm so lucky it's almost criminal.
Me too.
And also their lives are far less complicated so Schuyler spends virtually all of his free time keeping a close eye on Daniel's particular shade of blue at any given moment. I think because I am smaller sometimes I slip through the cracks.
But not tonight.
Aside from sore arms how do you feel?
Fine, I lie and he gives me a kiss, trapping one lock of white-blonde hair between our lips as I can't get my arm up fast enough or high enough to pull it away.
Liar, he hisses against my teeth. God, Schuyler loves a full house and people who need him. Hellbent on not being needy I push off and point out the time.
Already fixed, he says, pulling me back in. Daniel kisses the top of my head from the dark behind me and I can already feel myself relaxing but I step out from between them anyway.
I'm beginning to think you keep Lochlan running on purpose.
Schuyler smiles. He's free to say no but maybe I do.
You've got everything you need right here. I pull Daniel in front of me. He doesn't actually move but it's the thought that counts.
Schuy nods. I do. Daniel holds my heart and my soul.
Then why am I here?
It's nice to have a pet. They both laugh and I am gone now, high on attention, wound out on the warm affection I crave more fiercely than oxygen. I make mental notes, as always on the way they check in with each other. A look, touch or a word. A pause. A rush in, too fast, so intense and then I blink and I am awake and no one else is and I don't remember falling asleep, I don't remember this night ending only I do remember smiling as I watch them lavish their affection on each other, a truer love existing nowhere else that I can think of.
And now I feel like I want to cry.
Schuyler wakes up and sees the look on my face. You okay? What's up, Bee?
Just had a massive attack of jealousy, that's all.
He pulls me in close, talking into my hair. I will definitely be washing it today. Because of last night's antics, and because of his breath. It's not bad, exactly but it's not really good either. There's no place for that. With Loch you two have the love for the ages. It's withstood wars and birth and death and sabotage and the Collective. That's something to be jealous of.
I never see him though and when I do see him we fight.
I didn't say life isn't hard, Bridget but you've got everything you need and I've already put the word out for some people to replace Loch so he can actually retire instead of just talking about it.
You say that every six months.
He's a fixer. I don't meet many people like that. It's going to take six people to replace one of him. That takes time. I'm sorry. He's sorry. But you know he likes to be busy so I get it.
Maybe I could keep him busy.
You're the only thing he can't fix. That makes him crazy, you know that? He's scared to death someone else will be able to before he can. Jake was the biggest threat of his life and he's always got Caleb breathing down his neck-
Caleb isn't breathing down anythi-
He is, and it doesn't matter if he's not a threat. If he helps in any way then Lochlan sees red. It's not a bad thing. It'll get better. Everything will.
I wish I had your optimism.
Look around. I'm so lucky it's almost criminal.
Me too.