Jacob is surprised. I guess you can haunt someone and still be completely distracted, as always, failing to pick up the cues or catch the details as they go out into the world like fireflies in a field of wildflowers at night.
And our baby's graduating next year?
I nod. If I speak I will dissolve like ashes and blow off the end of the point, leaving the telescope covered in a light powdery film, and no one will ever know what happened to me.
Jacob would have stayed if He had known Henry was his. Little Henry Jacob, here on the cusp of twenty years old, the enigma who looks and acts exactly like his late father right down to the ridiculous height and the deep voice. Even though now his official father is a passionate redhead who's angry at God for the rest of his life and bless his heart, only comes up to Henry's chin.
And Ruth. Jesus, Bridge. You did such a good job with those two.
I nod once more. Composure is the dust, coating everything for a thousand miles, I wish I could have kept it but there was no way to contain it. Until it turns to anger.
I had so much help, since you didn't stick around.
Maybe it's your anger that keeps us like this.
GOOD. It's better than being sad.
It's a Ferris wheel-
My favourite.
I know, Peanut. I look up in surprise and Jacob is gone and Lochlan is there.
He leaves when you show up-
I know, that's why I'm here. Maybe if I annoy the fuck out of him he'll go for good.
What if I don't want that? Who do you think you are?
He grabs my hand, pulling me up. I was your first love, and I'll be your last. And he'll never have anything close to what we have so the sooner he realizes that the sooner maybe he'll just leave so you can get on with the life you and I have rebuilt.
Wait.
He stops and steps in close, staring right into my eyes. Waiting and not saying a word.
Ask him to go for me, please. Just ask him to leave.
Lochlan closes his eyes but he doesn't move. Doesn't jump at it. Doesn't take the only chance I've ever given him to fix this for good.
I wait.
When he opens his eyes they spill over almost immediately. His nose turns pink, eyes red. Hands shake, but just a little.
I can't do that on your behalf, Peanut. You have to do it yourself. When you're ready.