You know when you twist up the dial so loud you can feel it in your chest, and Elton John pontificates melodically about how this must be why they call it the blues, because it's one of your favourites, and you see Lochlan and Caleb out on the patio, and Caleb steps in, grabs the back of Lochlan's neck, and they're both nodding and finally Caleb gives just enough of a shake and waits, and slowly enough Lochlan raises his head to look into Caleb's eyes and nods again, this time with an understanding that is iron-clad. Then they have a long hug, and continue talking the whole time and the tension dissipates but you don't know why?
The music is so loud I have no idea what they said and no one else is around to ask?
Right. This is my life. All the time.
***
And? My eyebrows go up. Lochlan is sitting by the fire, hypnotized by the flames. They are orange with a hint of green. Magic fire. Always.
Yes?
What did he say to you?
I didn't think you were even home.
You always know exactly where I am.
Sadly, that's a lie, Peanut. I only tell myself I do. Makes it easier.
What did he say, Locket?
You ask him?
I'm asking you.
He only reminded me that he's put away all his weapons. His guns. His walls. His teeth. His threats and his power and he comes to us, he said us specifically, isn't that great, empty-handed and only willing to keep you above ground. He said that too, so many fucked up choices of words going on in that one conversation. He told me he loves me. And that if I say the word he'll step back again like I have control. He's practically a hostage negotiator. I didn't even know what the fuck I was supposed to say to any of that but sometimes this is fucking hard, you know? Like he knows how to play me. It's so fucking hard sometimes.
Then come with me.
I can't do that, Peanut.
You did for a while.
Too hard to see that. It's worse than what I picture.
Then he steps back. We'll give him up.
Like you said yester-
Who cares what I said?
It never works and then you're back. I'd rather have you complacent and routine with him then always indulging in reunions.
I swallow whatever I was going to say next. He's right.
I love you, Bridgie. Always have, always will. I just wish I was the only one who did. Would have made my life so much easier.
I'm sorry, Locket.
Don't be sorry, just say it's not forever and eventually when you're stronger maybe you'll only need me.