Walked outside and went to go down and turn the telescope back towards the sea where we turned it to look at the birds nest in the tree behind the garage and the space was already occupied.
He's back. Blue poplin shirttails flapping gently in the wind, hair long and ruffled. I turn to save myself the unbearable pain and his voice in my mind stops me.
Princess. Please.
Aw fuck. I turn back toward the ocean, step forward and drop into the rabbit hole. They just keep popping up everywhere. No sooner can I find a shovel and fill the holes with memories high enough that you walk on them without tripping then the memories get packed down, folded neatly, flattened lower and lower to make room for more and then I'm falling again.
He reaches down and lifts me back out, only we're down beyond the telescope now right by the endless fence. The one I can't see over. The one designed to keep me from following him wherever he goes.
I look up at him and he smiles. My heart cracks and throbs miserably and he frowns suddenly at something behind me. I look back and Lochlan is headed toward me at his usual clickingly rapid gait.
Peanut. Wait.
Hmmm?
He reaches me. Tell me something.
Uh ummmmm did you know that by the age of forty, fifty percent of men have trouble maintaining an erection-
Tell me where he is.
I turn away toward Jake but he is gone. I turn back.
Heaven?
Is he here? Are you following rabbits again?
If I said yes would you be mad? I whisper it to the wind.
No. I would just be sad.
Then no. No rabbits. No Jake. I thought he would be here in heaven but I don't see him anywhere.