Helplessly Hoping comes through the stereo as Lochlan grabs my hands, pulling me away from the dishes for a dance around the kitchen. The light is on over the sink and the fixture over the long table but otherwise the kitchen has darkened, but here the sun persists, pulling little Pluto into his orbit for a spin, a reconnection to make sure they are on the same orbit.
Look, it's my theme song.
You're not helpless.
He makes the briefest doubtful face and I know I was wrong. About more than just that snap observation.
I'm fine.
Are you though? This goes beyond physical, Peanut. That's why Everett was here. You see Jake and you go running off to Caleb for comfort.
Not comfort-
Then WHAT IS IT? He shouts suddenly. I startle and step back. The collateral damage from Jacob is not going to be Lochlan, in the end, even as he wonders if it is.
Jake won't come around if Caleb-
Is there? Are you fucking kidding me? He's shouting again. This IS fucking crazy.
I close my eyes. I don't want to be here right now if he's going to dismiss me as insane. Unfixable. Ruined. He did that already, once before. That was Caleb's doing too but this time the evil protects me from the good, which is somehow more frightening that I ever expected it would be.
You said-
I KNOW WHAT I SAID. The problem here is living with it. I made a promise and I didn't know it would be so hard to keep.
I'm sorry.
That's the hardest part. It's better for you if he's in the picture. Things work better. It's just so hard to watch. My heart rips out every time and it comes back smaller and smaller.
How do we make it big again? Panic is rising.
We stay right here. He puts his head against mine. We don't get further apart than this.
That isn't rational. We've tried.
Maybe we should try harder.
I nod into his shoulder. Maybe we are hopeless. I'm not sure he can try harder than he already does, every single day of his life. Looks like he has a monster too. It's me.