In the gloaming oh my darling
When the lights are dim and low
The quiet shadows fall around us
And softly come and swiftly go
When the winds are sobbing silent
With a gentleness we'll know
Will you think of me and wonder
As you did once long ago
I tried to leave him. I tried to get up, he'd pull me back down. I put my things on and headed for the door and he blocked it. I tried to play along and thought he would smarten up eventually. I remained there for a while. Finally I levelled the usual explanation that if he didn't make this easy I wouldn't make it often, and that freezing him out for his behaviour would be squarely on him. He ignored it. So I went for the door again and he grabbed me and took it way too far and I yelled at him and Lochlan kicked the whole door in.
Not sure how long he was out there but I never forget how fast he can move. We meet eyes and we both wished he could have kicked in the metal door of the camper many years ago for just a single second and then Caleb's on the floor and everyone is yelling and I just walk out through the carnage and meet Sam in the hall. Sam's face is questioning and he's there to make sure nobody dies. Or maybe he's there so if they do he can see them to their reward. Or their punishment, as it were.
He had decided I would stay when I was ready to go. And Sam nodded and moved to one side to let me pass.
Lochlan came back a couple minutes later without a scratch. Caleb has none either. He got thrumped on his ass to prove a point, they don't need to take it further. They still put each other in each others shoes more often than not, but it will be at their own expense, not mine. I can't afford it anymore.
PJ found it hilarious. But then again, these days PJ drinks far too much and is becoming less help than hindrance. Not to say he's in the way but he's usually half into himself by lunchtime lately and I'm soon to go fetch that bottle out of the recycling bin and break it over his head. If I could find it for the pile of new ones that has buried it.
Fuck off, Peej.
Notice when you overstayed your time with me, no one broke down the door.
You didn't try to keep me from leaving.
Oh, he pulled that shit again? Fuck him.
Fuck everyone.
See, that's the problem, Bridge. And the only thing Lochlan can do is bust in a few doors and pretend he's fine otherwise.
He sent me there.
What the fuck, Bridget.
He told me to go.
Then he's more fucked than I thought.
I told you this. We all are. Also you're going to a meeting today.
Like hell I am.
Well it's your lucky day, because this is just like hell.
Sometimes it is, you know. And that's your fault.
My eyes sting with tears and I look away. Of course it's my fault. Even though Lochlan is tired and he sends me down the hall to keep the peace, to be a pal, to seem generous and above everything and then he hates me and hates himself and hates everyone and he tries to pretend it's fine. He spins it like I have all the power but I actually have so little. That, like everything else, it will just be unconventional. He did the same thing when we were on the road. He normalized the weird. It's fine that we're on the run. It's the life, climbing out windows in the middle of the night and picking pockets so we don't starve. It's par for the course, selling our souls to get jobs so we can survive even though the jobs were no different than prostituting ourselves on the corner. He packaged it up pretty though. We were together. It was an act. There would be rules.
Just like now.
Not sure how long he was out there but I never forget how fast he can move. We meet eyes and we both wished he could have kicked in the metal door of the camper many years ago for just a single second and then Caleb's on the floor and everyone is yelling and I just walk out through the carnage and meet Sam in the hall. Sam's face is questioning and he's there to make sure nobody dies. Or maybe he's there so if they do he can see them to their reward. Or their punishment, as it were.
He had decided I would stay when I was ready to go. And Sam nodded and moved to one side to let me pass.
Lochlan came back a couple minutes later without a scratch. Caleb has none either. He got thrumped on his ass to prove a point, they don't need to take it further. They still put each other in each others shoes more often than not, but it will be at their own expense, not mine. I can't afford it anymore.
PJ found it hilarious. But then again, these days PJ drinks far too much and is becoming less help than hindrance. Not to say he's in the way but he's usually half into himself by lunchtime lately and I'm soon to go fetch that bottle out of the recycling bin and break it over his head. If I could find it for the pile of new ones that has buried it.
Fuck off, Peej.
Notice when you overstayed your time with me, no one broke down the door.
You didn't try to keep me from leaving.
Oh, he pulled that shit again? Fuck him.
Fuck everyone.
See, that's the problem, Bridge. And the only thing Lochlan can do is bust in a few doors and pretend he's fine otherwise.
He sent me there.
What the fuck, Bridget.
He told me to go.
Then he's more fucked than I thought.
I told you this. We all are. Also you're going to a meeting today.
Like hell I am.
Well it's your lucky day, because this is just like hell.
Sometimes it is, you know. And that's your fault.
My eyes sting with tears and I look away. Of course it's my fault. Even though Lochlan is tired and he sends me down the hall to keep the peace, to be a pal, to seem generous and above everything and then he hates me and hates himself and hates everyone and he tries to pretend it's fine. He spins it like I have all the power but I actually have so little. That, like everything else, it will just be unconventional. He did the same thing when we were on the road. He normalized the weird. It's fine that we're on the run. It's the life, climbing out windows in the middle of the night and picking pockets so we don't starve. It's par for the course, selling our souls to get jobs so we can survive even though the jobs were no different than prostituting ourselves on the corner. He packaged it up pretty though. We were together. It was an act. There would be rules.
Just like now.