There's a rule in this house that if you break something you get to fix it and the fix better be as good if not better than the original so be careful or you may find yourself foundering for experts if you destroy something beyond your skill set.
I sat on the floor handing tools to Lochlan this morning, who at the crack of nine came home with a new door for Caleb's bedroom. The door to his wing was fine, it was the inner door that got taken off the hinges. He politely knocked on the first door, which was opened without hesitation. He told Caleb he had a new door and would put it on, Caleb said thank you very politely and left and we set to work.
I handed a level, two different screwdrivers and one single tiny shim and then he was finished. Luckily a door is an easy fix for Lochlan, who can fix anything anyway, save for my attitude and my interpretation of his allowance for my issues.
See how different perspectives make for different opinions of the same situations?
Yeah, me neither.
I got it. You're free. He starts packing up his tools and Duncan materializes out of nowhere (babysitting duty, don't think we couldn't sense him lurking in the front hall below, just in case) to carry down the old door. I rush off down the hall to get ready. We have a brunch to get to. Another dressed-up Saturday, another long table. Another sunny day spent with people we don't see nearly enough, and we're off and running. I wore the wrong shoes, something I paid for dearly over the course of the day, which involved too much walking, and also eyeliner that didn't like me at all, smudging in the heat. Lochlan eventually held out his elbow for me and said I looked hot. I said I was, and he said that wasn't what he meant.
I burst out laughing and we were good again suddenly. He pressed a kiss hard against my cheek and stroked it too. He squeezed my hand in his arm and said he loves me. He gave in first, while I held my ground as I still don't understand how his allegiance to the Devil trumps my need for the Devil but somehow it does and our histories are combined, complicated and chaotic. But our presents seems less so, even with the occasional missteps, hurt feelings or ignored boundaries.
When pressed Caleb breathed his usual crushing beauty of an explanation. He always has one, and they are always solid gold. You don't think he's the Devil? You weren't there when he said, voice breaking, My God, Brother, I couldn't let her go. Not yet. And Lochlan nodded and I am That Object again but also so weirdly thrilled I should be shot for how that feels all the time, just when I'm sure I've had enough of Caleb. That's how he works. Charm and cash. Affection and longing and power and the past.
It's disgusting.
It's the best.
***
My words about PJ hit home like a freight train without brakes and PJ went straight to Ben. Ben who sponsors a couple of people now, has a good solid handle on what has always been a tenuous balance for him and won't bullshit you one way or another if you want to talk addictions.
Ben threw it right back at PJ and asked PJ if he thought he had a problem. PJ didn't even hesitate and has already gone to a meeting. He and Ben spent most of the morning together and it turns out it isn't my fault. I knew that, I've been through the family program, and understand self-preservation on all fronts, but I still worry about PJ and I worry about his mindset, blaming me for this monk's life he leads. It's wonderful to constantly be with friends, and have financial security and privacy and a purpose. It's another thing for a true romantic to be without a love of his own. It's also been a huge blow to see the children he has raised from birth as a caretaker (and the most favorite hunkle of all) suddenly turn eighteen and twenty and not really need him anymore. They have assured him they do need him but gone are the days of homework and packing lunches and gym clothes and early bedtimes and pep talks and projects.
It hit me hard but it seems to have hit him harder. That touches me ridiculously deeply and I bled out and flew into his arms when he got home from that meeting, having been brought up to date by Duncan (everywhere suddenly to pick up PJ's slack), who was there for his initial meeting with Ben about whether he should go into the program or not. I don't think PJ will wind up needing to be sent away like Ben did, he just needs to get back in control and he wasn't too far gone so I'm optimistic.
Sorry, Babe. This isn't you. I don't know why I said that.
You're just a mean drunk, that's all.
That cuts deep, Bridge. I'm bleeding here.
Join the club.
I sat on the floor handing tools to Lochlan this morning, who at the crack of nine came home with a new door for Caleb's bedroom. The door to his wing was fine, it was the inner door that got taken off the hinges. He politely knocked on the first door, which was opened without hesitation. He told Caleb he had a new door and would put it on, Caleb said thank you very politely and left and we set to work.
I handed a level, two different screwdrivers and one single tiny shim and then he was finished. Luckily a door is an easy fix for Lochlan, who can fix anything anyway, save for my attitude and my interpretation of his allowance for my issues.
See how different perspectives make for different opinions of the same situations?
Yeah, me neither.
I got it. You're free. He starts packing up his tools and Duncan materializes out of nowhere (babysitting duty, don't think we couldn't sense him lurking in the front hall below, just in case) to carry down the old door. I rush off down the hall to get ready. We have a brunch to get to. Another dressed-up Saturday, another long table. Another sunny day spent with people we don't see nearly enough, and we're off and running. I wore the wrong shoes, something I paid for dearly over the course of the day, which involved too much walking, and also eyeliner that didn't like me at all, smudging in the heat. Lochlan eventually held out his elbow for me and said I looked hot. I said I was, and he said that wasn't what he meant.
I burst out laughing and we were good again suddenly. He pressed a kiss hard against my cheek and stroked it too. He squeezed my hand in his arm and said he loves me. He gave in first, while I held my ground as I still don't understand how his allegiance to the Devil trumps my need for the Devil but somehow it does and our histories are combined, complicated and chaotic. But our presents seems less so, even with the occasional missteps, hurt feelings or ignored boundaries.
When pressed Caleb breathed his usual crushing beauty of an explanation. He always has one, and they are always solid gold. You don't think he's the Devil? You weren't there when he said, voice breaking, My God, Brother, I couldn't let her go. Not yet. And Lochlan nodded and I am That Object again but also so weirdly thrilled I should be shot for how that feels all the time, just when I'm sure I've had enough of Caleb. That's how he works. Charm and cash. Affection and longing and power and the past.
It's disgusting.
It's the best.
***
My words about PJ hit home like a freight train without brakes and PJ went straight to Ben. Ben who sponsors a couple of people now, has a good solid handle on what has always been a tenuous balance for him and won't bullshit you one way or another if you want to talk addictions.
Ben threw it right back at PJ and asked PJ if he thought he had a problem. PJ didn't even hesitate and has already gone to a meeting. He and Ben spent most of the morning together and it turns out it isn't my fault. I knew that, I've been through the family program, and understand self-preservation on all fronts, but I still worry about PJ and I worry about his mindset, blaming me for this monk's life he leads. It's wonderful to constantly be with friends, and have financial security and privacy and a purpose. It's another thing for a true romantic to be without a love of his own. It's also been a huge blow to see the children he has raised from birth as a caretaker (and the most favorite hunkle of all) suddenly turn eighteen and twenty and not really need him anymore. They have assured him they do need him but gone are the days of homework and packing lunches and gym clothes and early bedtimes and pep talks and projects.
It hit me hard but it seems to have hit him harder. That touches me ridiculously deeply and I bled out and flew into his arms when he got home from that meeting, having been brought up to date by Duncan (everywhere suddenly to pick up PJ's slack), who was there for his initial meeting with Ben about whether he should go into the program or not. I don't think PJ will wind up needing to be sent away like Ben did, he just needs to get back in control and he wasn't too far gone so I'm optimistic.
Sorry, Babe. This isn't you. I don't know why I said that.
You're just a mean drunk, that's all.
That cuts deep, Bridge. I'm bleeding here.
Join the club.