And I got it, I think.
I stand inside the patio door wrapped in one of the woven blankets we keep for chilly shoulders on the patio at night (the heaters are neither easy to operate, for me anyway, cheap to run or good for the planet, frankly. Wear a fucking blanket.) sipping my coffee while I watch Lochlan walk back down the path behind Schuyler and Dan's, taking a right around the pool, closer to the house before deviating left at the gazebo straight to the telescope by the edge of the cliff. As if he was always just right there and not at Batman's trying to circumvent my words published here for all to see. What is he planning? What did he say?
I finish my coffee but remain by the glass, zoning out hard. Missing Ben as he comes to stand behind me, then jumping out of my skin when he speaks.
What are you doing, Bee?
Waiting for Loch.
Ben kisses the top of my head as I turn. I lean against him, a wall of cool warmth in the morning cold. A stranger I miss.
Jake, huh?
Jesus, here we go. Like you don't fantasize on command.
I do. I wish you were taller. Every damn day.
I rest my chin on his chest and look up at him. I name three names of famous people he wanted and then slept with and he laughs suddenly.
Been there, done that. One you get it out of your system you stop daydreaming about it, you know? That's the difference. It's like you're a sugar fiend and the candy is right next door and we're all like what the fuck? Eat your vegetables but you only see the candy. Even though you TRIED the candy and it make you sick.
Jesus, Ben, it was a moment.
He watches Lochlan through the glass. Then you should probably lie next time.
Why do you think he went over?
Either to fight him or invite him. Guess you'll have to ask him which one. Just watch out for Caleb. He's the only person who would have been more offended in the light of day by this. And with that glaringly obvious comment Ben is gone again. My favorite stranger, always.
***
Late last night came the knock on the door. An invite, then. He never did say. He told me to mind my own business. He told me not to worry so much. He told me to answer the door.
I opened it, looking up into the face of New Jake. Of course. It was an invitation. I'm not going to be sent to the workbench. No. He would like to keep control. He wants to have his presence known. He wants to be in charge. He's afraid but he's trying to be everything and give me everything right now while he has the chance. He wants to make sure I don't fall in love, only like I've said a thousand times: there's something about New Jake but it isn't love.
I shook my head and closed the door. There may be a new map here but I already have my route mapped out and I'm not changing it now. If it's not on my terms it's not at all, thank you.
I'd take another chance, take a fall, take a shot for youThe magic spell always seems to be broken with the soft gaze of the morning sunrise, and the shame rushes in to fill that new void. Or maybe it only does that for me, as the minute I let go just a little all the deepest darkest parts of me rush up to bask in the light.
And I need you like a heart needs a beat, but it's nothing new
I loved you with a fire red, now it's turning blue
And you say sorry like the angel heaven let me think was you
But I'm afraid
It's too late to apologize (it's too late)
I said It's too late to apologize (it's too late)
I stand inside the patio door wrapped in one of the woven blankets we keep for chilly shoulders on the patio at night (the heaters are neither easy to operate, for me anyway, cheap to run or good for the planet, frankly. Wear a fucking blanket.) sipping my coffee while I watch Lochlan walk back down the path behind Schuyler and Dan's, taking a right around the pool, closer to the house before deviating left at the gazebo straight to the telescope by the edge of the cliff. As if he was always just right there and not at Batman's trying to circumvent my words published here for all to see. What is he planning? What did he say?
I finish my coffee but remain by the glass, zoning out hard. Missing Ben as he comes to stand behind me, then jumping out of my skin when he speaks.
What are you doing, Bee?
Waiting for Loch.
Ben kisses the top of my head as I turn. I lean against him, a wall of cool warmth in the morning cold. A stranger I miss.
Jake, huh?
Jesus, here we go. Like you don't fantasize on command.
I do. I wish you were taller. Every damn day.
I rest my chin on his chest and look up at him. I name three names of famous people he wanted and then slept with and he laughs suddenly.
Been there, done that. One you get it out of your system you stop daydreaming about it, you know? That's the difference. It's like you're a sugar fiend and the candy is right next door and we're all like what the fuck? Eat your vegetables but you only see the candy. Even though you TRIED the candy and it make you sick.
Jesus, Ben, it was a moment.
He watches Lochlan through the glass. Then you should probably lie next time.
Why do you think he went over?
Either to fight him or invite him. Guess you'll have to ask him which one. Just watch out for Caleb. He's the only person who would have been more offended in the light of day by this. And with that glaringly obvious comment Ben is gone again. My favorite stranger, always.
***
Late last night came the knock on the door. An invite, then. He never did say. He told me to mind my own business. He told me not to worry so much. He told me to answer the door.
I opened it, looking up into the face of New Jake. Of course. It was an invitation. I'm not going to be sent to the workbench. No. He would like to keep control. He wants to have his presence known. He wants to be in charge. He's afraid but he's trying to be everything and give me everything right now while he has the chance. He wants to make sure I don't fall in love, only like I've said a thousand times: there's something about New Jake but it isn't love.
I shook my head and closed the door. There may be a new map here but I already have my route mapped out and I'm not changing it now. If it's not on my terms it's not at all, thank you.