Happy Valentine's Day.
I want the whole world to be in love, at least for this day. I'm teased mercilessly for my childlike idealism about love and I don't even care.
I won't even tell you how I was woken up this morning. It's gloriously unprintable. But I would like to wake up that way forever, please and thank you. I have a smile chiseled into my face.
And every time I turned on a lamp or a ceiling light the bulb was red. He put red bulbs in every single fixture. I am thrilled. It's beautiful. We couldn't see a thing.
The kids were thrilled when they came downstairs for breakfast and found white teddy bears, new red pencils and heart-shaped chocolates by their places at the table. Today is a fun day planned at school, they went off with their backpacks loaded down with paper valentines and sugar cookies to distribute, taking no notice of the -41 degree windchill.
I dreaded starting today off with therapy and so I cancelled early, by voicemail, much to Jacob's swift and Claus' eventual disappointment. Things have smoothed out and I don't want today to be ruined. I don't seem to be holding my breath, maybe I am. Maybe ratcheting down to the basics and taking the pressure off and Caleb being far away and everyone just being present and yet slightly absent has helped. Routine helps. Running helps so much, even if it's on the stupid treadmill because it's too cold to be outside. Being busy helps, being happy helps. Oh my God, being happy is such a phenomenal accomplishment. I'm not standing at the airport waiting for the plane, weighed down by the specter of a past I never welcomed but wouldn't put down.
Life is good.
Is Jacob holding his breath?
He says no. He smiles very very wide so I can count at least twelve big white chiclet-teeth straight across the top row of his grin before I fall into the dimple holes. I know he says this for my benefit and that he does, anyway. But he is happy.
Claus is more hesitant, speaking only of Bridget being in a high and doing really well but he knows, as do we all, highs are followed by unspeakable depths. But for today, I'm okay. I am going back as I promised him I would, next week as scheduled, sooner if I need to.
First thing this morning also saw the delivery of the most breathtaking red roses ever. And Jacob smiled even wider then, at my surprise, because I figured three bouquets already was so amazing, I jumped on him, kissing every inch of his face that maybe I may have possibly missed before. I gave him his present early, because I wanted him to enjoy it for the whole day through. A new watch. A neat eco-drive with a blue face and this one is waterproof, his old swiss army fiasco was not because he smashed it against a rock and it was never reliable again but he just kept wearing it. This one is engraved. It suits him and he loves it.
Finally it was requested that I make no plans tonight, that plans had been established for us. No babysitter required, as these plans will commence after the kids go to bed and take place here at home.
Interesting...
He wouldn't tell me if it would involve Stoli on the dining room table because he wants people to think he is too buttoned-up for that. He grinned while he refused to answer any incriminating questions but he walked around most of the morning talking about how he really hoped it would warm up later on.
If I could through myself
Set your spirit free
I'd lead your heart away
See you break, break away
Into the light
And to the day
To let it go
And so to fade away
To let it go
And so fade away
I'm wide awake
I'm wide awake
Wide awake
I'm not sleeping
I'm almost convinced that if I looked outside the window right now, there might be a white horse tied up somewhere in the yard, a trusty steed for my knight in warm flannel.
Have a wonderful day. I hope you're in love.
