Last night after the kids were in bed and asleep I locked all the doors, turned on a single lamp in the living room and worked on lace while I watched The Interpreter on the movie channel. A really good movie and I thought it was great that Nicole Kidman's character Silvia had my hair. Neat. I used to wish I had Nicole Kidman's hair in Practical Magic. Long and red. Instead I wound up with long and blonde. Neat to see her with my hair, like poetic justice from envy.
So The Interpreter was about listening. Which was great because I mostly listened as I worked, and I finished the main piece and I didn't have to talk deep or talk at all or rationalize or console or encourage or support or anything.
I was alone. A self-imposed break from all the passionate men in my life who want nothing more than to make me happy. Most girls should be so lucky. I turned off all the phones, shut my eyes and told them all to take a break because the emotions are overwhelming some moments and I balled up my fists and refused to think anymore last night.
I'm not stressed out, it's been very peaceful-whispery, and kind, the whole experience. It's not going to blow up in my face like I feared because J can read my mind and since Trey always could too I think they both know when I start tripping over my words and generally switch from my long drawn out forthcomings to one-word responses it's time to clear out.
I am fine and I'm not rationalizing because the world did not end.
I'm not justifying anything to anyone. Someday when my children understand life a little better and they ask me then I will answer to them and only them. If there's one thing I want them to know it's that love is a gift and you treat it like a garden and you will have a bounty. But don't be an idiot.
Well, not exactly like that, but close. I try not to mommy-blog because this is my brain's extra storage space.
Other worries include how to get through today's group excursion day to the zoo. Everyone will be there. It's a spring salute for all the kiddies and everyone knows what happened already but I haven't had to face anyone yet. What am I supposed to do, walk between the guys? I think I'll hang out at the back. Gah.