Thursday, 20 April 2006

A big mess of explanations but no answers.

I left Trey.

There's a history here that I haven't really gotten into. Trey is no saint. He's thrown me over more than once on a whim or a girl. He's thrown plates and walked out. Granted he has mellowed in recent years but he's still done these things, and what they left me with was an eating disorder, depression and a general mistrust of all good things crumbling down around me without warning.

J has been a part of my life for almost as long as Trey. He has threatened to kill Trey as he's picked me up off the floor from where I sat surrounded by broken dishes. He's held my hair back and had to listen to me as the pain made me sick to my stomach. He's restrained himself admirably when I've thrown myself at him when drunk. He has held me for hours as I shook and sobbed. He's had to put up with being accused of being the father of at least one, if not both of my children (he's not). He entered into a total sham of a marriage in an effort to move on with his life, but it didn't work. Apparently he asked his wife for a divorce weeks ago without telling anyone, and she is willingly obliging him, knowing exactly why.

And yesterday morning he walked up to my front door and asked me if I wanted to be with him. For real. Forever. Trey saw it coming. He enabled it because he knows I'll be happy. Happier. He knows J is a good man who can provide for us, and take care of me, and he knows I don't have that iota of mistrust in feeling secure because the bottom won't fall out.

Don't get me wrong, Trey is not a monster, never was. We grew up together practically and who doesn't have rocky times?

No one was very surprised at all.

Only me. I looked at J last night and it was odd to see him there, right beside me. He smiled at me with his exhausted blue eyes and reminded me that everything would be okay.

This would have been very creepy if Trey's car had gone off a cliff with the brake lines cut or something. I'll admit that. I sort of feel like a trophy passed down to the next year's winner. Trey is characteristically detached.
Trust me when I say the electric current that runs from me to J and back has always sizzled and popped like no flash lightning storm I have ever seen. This was meant to be. It's been a love triangle as long as I have known him. He has always given me a soft place to fall and maybe that wasn't such a good thing. Would Trey and I have stayed together if J hadn't always been there to run to? Well, I don't know the answer to that, and it's too late now.

And now I'm starting over. I had the best first kiss of my new life and J left to go sleep at his own house because that would be weird if he had stayed. He held my face in his hands and kissed me so softly I almost fell over from the profundity of it and then we both had to laugh shakily while he spent a good ten minutes untangling his watch from my hair. That stayed with me because he laughed but he had tears in his eyes. He is so happy.

It is going to be okay.