Friday, 21 April 2006

Bridget gone wild.

The astounding lack of surprise that Bridget has gone off the deep end is still reeling with me. No one is surprised at all.

My mom loves J, my dad thinks he's terrific. Most women love him, he's drop-dead handsome and silly and aw-shucks in a way that is completely different than Trey's smoldering bad-ass raw sexuality and dark flashing good looks were.

So there.

I'm not known for being flakey or doing anything less than totally self-righteous. I pride myself on morals, faith, justice and true love. Everyone knows I'm a straight arrow for sure. I sat here and waxed about how strong and wonderful my marriage was because I wanted to believe it. Maybe if I could just talk myself into it then I wouldn't practically explode blushing whenever J was around. The harder I tried to push him away the more I wanted him.

I never do anything wrong because I don't think I'm capable of it.

When I threw myself at J years ago when I had too much wine somehow I knew he wouldn't take me up on it so that was ok in a weird way. I'm not like that, I don't make waves. And here I had gone and charmed a friend who followed me around like a puppy for a decade and waited til I married someone else and had children and then went "oh, I changed my mind."

J said he didn't mind a bit. I hooked him good. Holy sweet banana pancakes.

It's uncharacteristic to the extreme. Have I lost my mind? I lost my resolve, my wits and my heart (again). I'm really not a wild person, I pay the bills, tuck money into savings, clean the house very regularly and then I make things for people I love when I'm not writing, reading stories, teaching the kids. I don't go out, I don't do anything illegal, not even speed.

And the more I think about this the more I think that it went both ways, that Trey let me down easy because he just knew that I had J waiting and that I wouldn't be alone. Perhaps I was dumped. Does that make this more or less strange?

Last night I was coming back through the house, ready to give J back his corduroy jacket that he put around my shoulders to wear outside to unplug the lights on the patio I found him sitting on the porch swing, his head in his hands, rocking gently. He looked up at me and his eyes were red, watery and weary. He was worried about me, about the kids, about how us being together at last produces a ripple that travels outward from the centre of our universe and rocks everyone in it and we have to keep everyone from tipping over in the wake. And then he smiled sincerely and said he really didn't want to leave.

Damn, all he's missing is a white billowy shirt and a fountain pen. Swoon. Damn rakish poet.

Trey is staying at the home of friends who have gone away for a few weeks anyhow. Don't ask me why I feel the need to share that. Maybe because of what happened next.

So I swooned hard. Again. Haha. Push those buttons J. I didn't make him leave. I am so not a bad person but I am and I don't care. I made a (totally half-assed) valiant attempt to get my life in order before I ever slept with him and I think I almost succeeded. Or maybe I can just delude myself.

It was totally worth it.

Hot damn. I will require help removing this smile. Hot fucking damn.

I know I know but like I said I don't care.