Thursday, 27 April 2006

Still here.

Despite my penchant for turning every facet of my life into some sort of romantic tragedy I remain completely paralyzed here.

I haven't done a damned thing since Jacob told me he is going. Mommybot went on autopilot. We tended the gardens, did chores, did some lessons, the usual kid-routines but otherwise I feel like I'm holding my breath. I don't know what to do.

It's taking a toll on me too. Fragile miss Bridget. My head postively aches. My heart is broken. It's amazing I can stand up anymore. I haven't eaten or slept in close to three days and yet all I want is to call Jacob and tell him to come over. Then I could temporarily soothe myself by placing a bandaid on a catastrophic flesh wound.

So that won't work but it would be so nice.

Ben called to tell me that Jake was half out of his mind. I know the feeling.

Trey will be here in 4 hours to have dinner and help with bedtimes and the angel on my shoulder tells me to suck it up already and just ask him to take me back, as I know he would and will, because he said he will when I'm ready. His score has been evened, the monkey is off his back. Misguided as it seems, he's not the bad guy. I am. I still love him. I just hate myself.

The instant gratification I wished for cost me too much and I wind up going back to my husband with a broken heart that he feels he has to somehow fix. I wind up alone, or I wind up biding my remaining time with Jacob only to be completely devasted when he goes.