Ben is angry about Dalton.
I'm home now, why didn't you come up to me?
I- I didn't even know how to respond to that. He's the encourager. He's a bigger freak than anyone. Always happy to see any of us let loose but most especially me. He knows what I need even when I'm not sure of that and suddenly I'm questioning my very being.
Well?
What do you want me to say? That's how it goes? Maybe 'sorry'? Fuck you? Are you even serious right now?
My swiftly-returned fury is enough and he backs way off. Which is good because I'm about to dissolve and can't stand up to Benjamin the way I could probably stand up to anyone else. I'll fight with Lochlan or even Caleb to the fucking death but it scares me when Ben is angry, it leaves me feeling like I'll never be good enough or smart enough or trusted to do whatever it is that he wants. That's how it feels right now. I am suffocating, choking on the smoke and on his moods. I don't know what to do so I just freeze, standing there while he tries to control his expressions and not look too scary all the while to angry to worry about what he looks like at all. And now concern pushes into his features because now, well, now he's pissed me off.
He laughs. Now I get Caleb. I need you and you're gone off somewhere and I feel left out and alone.
That's never been a 'funny' feeling in my book.
Your book might be out of date, Bee.
And your accident might have triggered your jealousy bone.
Oh, it triggered a bone alright.
Jesus, Ben. I was banned from caring for you because I needed a rest and I was on my way up and Dalton asked me to stay. You know how rare that is and I figured you were already long asleep. Next time call me and I'll come right up.
I haven't seen my phone in weeks, Bridget.
Oh. Uh...It's probably in the studio. You could check?
I see what you're doing.
Helping you find your pho-
I'll check after dinner.
I'll help?
That would be great. He says it jovially, formally and I cringe.
Don't do that thing, Ben-
What thing? He looks so wholesome and honest suddenly. It's my favorite Ben, back for a brief glimpse.
That thing where you act cheerful and hope I'm not scared of you. I'm not. I just-
I know, Bee. It felt weird to wake up and be absolutely enraged that you weren't there when I needed you.
I'm sorry. It's a whisper but he hears it.
No, I'm sorry, he returns with his own whisper and I hear that too.
***
The phone was in the dirt underneath the lilacs on the far side of the pool almost in Batman's backyard. The well-watered lilacs over the past month and a bit. I think the phone is toast but it's in a bag of rice anyway. Time will tell. Not like Ben's ever really kept track of his phones so honestly this is the least-surprising thing to happen this summer.
Uh, I'll take you over to Apple this week.
Okay. He's back to being childlike and agreeable. This is exhausting but we fix what we can and the rest will come.