I've lost everything.
You've got everything to gain now, this is a beautiful thing.
I gave her away and now I'll never be able to live up to whatever it is she expected me to be to her-
Benjamin, you haven't lost anything.
The only thing I had was being sober, Sam and I'm not even that anymore.
Ben, let me make a call. I'd like to lock these doors and talk for a while if you'll allow me the privilege.
Sam comes out of the library with his phone in hand. He locks eyes with me and shakes his head once but doesn't break his gaze as he asks Siri to call his second. He tells him that he needs to do services today, that Sam has a bit of a family emergency and is counselling and can't keep the schedule right this second.
Everyone always understands. They are firemen, they just run around putting out all these fires we keep setting. Fucking pyros. We should drown ourselves in the sea.
But we wouldn't dare.
He thanks Ryan (guys! Meet Ryan. You won't, though, he is a minor player in a major work and is completely horrified by me but most likely half in love with Sam (or all like the rest of us).) and hangs up.
Keep them away, Bridge. Doing a little triage this morning.
Can I bring you coffee?
That would be great. Just knock and leave it outside.
It's an order, not a suggestion. Sam is in fireman mode and doesn't have a moment to waste, lest we burn this place to the ground.
(SAVE BEN FIRST)
I turn and head to the kitchen. I won't get to hear any more. I don't want to hear anymore. Confirming Ben's regret and matching that up against his absolute deferral to Lochlan doesn't work and I throw the pair out and try again but I can't make it work.
The coffee is ready but I don't put it on a tray or anything. I just walk through the house and when it gets too loud I start calling names at the top of my lungs as I go. Right through the great room, out the doors and down the steps. Across the lawn. I'm still calling for help and the house is quiet and still. Still calling, though I have stopped shouting and started asking outer space for someone to anchor to, someone to hold the rope and not let me strangle myself with it before I can be reborn, hopefully as someone else this time.
I break into a run.
Off the cliff I go. I don't scream the whole way down. That's a rarity. The rush of wind is replaced by the muffled thrum of my own heartbeat as I hit the cold waves and plunge five meters down. When I hit that hard limit I push back for the light when a set of hands grabs my arms and pulls me up. I try to help but no help is needed and when my head breaks the surface, smacked hard with the cold air I open my eyes and Lochlan is filling up my view.
Jesus, how fast are you?
I was right behind you from the kitchen. I thought you were making us coffee.
It's for Ben and Sam. Ben-
I know, Peanut. I was in the library with them.
Oh wow.
I want to take whatever blame he's shouldering. But I can't have you drowning yourself every time I turn my back.
I wasn't-
How many times can one person baptize themselves?
It wasn't-
I don't care anymore. It's gotta stop. You can't take this on, this isn't your fault. We feel how we feel. You're here and it's a joyful moment when you turn your gaze on one of us and a crushing one when you look away. That's on us to repair, not you.
If I was gone what would you do?
We would simply die.
No pressure.
You going to run away again? I told you the last time it was a bad idea.
Jake wasn't a bad idea-
He wasn't a good one, either.