Caleb met me on the steps last night just as I was heading up. The new routine is Ben says his goodnights and now usually Lochlan will go up with him and settle in to read by the fireplace. Lochlan is a huge reader and can finish a book in a day or two while it takes me weeks. I usually come up by ten or so and we cuddle down into the quilts and eventually go to sleep but sometimes I get up again and go read until my head starts to nod forward or Ben wakes up and wants big snuggles and sometimes we're all awake, sometimes no one is and we actually get sleep. Right now the routine is kind of blown up, a little bit rosy around the edges and positively brimming with light.
But then the Devil comes along and smacks the illusion with a closed fist and it changes everything.
He pulls me in, kissing my forehead, wrapping his arms around my shoulders as he rests his chin on my head for a long minute. Too long. I finally make a move to go but he doesn't set me free.
Neamhchiontach. Come up with me.
I'm going to Ben and Loch.
Just a quick drink and then I'll walk you home.
I laugh in spite of myself. He's funny like that. A desperate charm but it works, like squeezing a worry doll really hard hoping your worries will fill it up and leave you the hell alone.
A laugh is a good sign, he rocks me back and forth gently.
I'm taking my cues from Ben.
Ben has made no moves to acknowledge my role in what happened.
Then once he does, I'll be back to visit and we'll go from there.
What do you mean, 'go from there'?
I don't know what more I can say right now. I'm sorry.
Bridget, you go on how you feel. Ben goes on how he feels. This is carved in stone. Even Loch-
Is it? Right now I'm going on how I feel and I'm not putting his feelings aside right now either. He is my priority. Not you right now. When you needed me I didn't leave your side and right now it's his turn. He needs me. Can you understand that?
I feel his chin sharp against my head as he nods once and I pull back to look at him.
Goodnight, Diabhal.
Goodnight, Neamhchiontach. I miss you.
Me too. Still going on how I feel. Damaged and brainwashed as always. Soon, I promise but it feels empty.
***
This morning Caleb wants to take Ben out for a drive, maybe for an ice cream for lunch if they can hit a drive thru at Dairy Queen or something. Ben is surprisingly game for this.
Lochlan? Not as sure.
Caleb promises that he will look after Ben and they are off.
Lochlan turns to me. Thoughts?
I don't know yet.
He nods. Me neither.