I zoned out hard at the table. The Scientist was on the sound system and I was staring off into space letting the refrain stroke my soul gently, almost falling asleep. I know the words to every single Coldplay song by heart but it's Caleb's band so I don't usually put them on, since he will.
(By his band I mean his favourite.)
He picked up my hand and kissed the palm of it. Everyone's left. The candles have burned mostly out and the light is dim. Come for a nightcap.
It's an order so I nod and follow him. He pours us each a whiskey and then holds his arms out, his drink in one hand. Dance?
I nod again, dumbstruck and exhausted. Sure. Why not? He does a gentle circle around the kitchen with me being wooden and then I get so tired I just reach up and cling to him. He stiffens slightly, surprised at the sudden expression of affection and holds me close with one arm, saying wait while he searches for a place to set down his glass. Once it's out of his hand he holds me so tight I can't breathe.
There, there. It's a soothe. Not sure he was ever any better at this than I was but I'll take it. A moment of tenderness that will end up costing me dearly always as it gives him reassurance that wasn't mine to give.
I gotta go, Diabhal.
Stay with me.
I have plans. Plans are upstairs in bed and I've had a long drunken day that has started far too early and will end far too late. Schuyler's upstairs waiting for a nightcap of his own and we'll most likely end up next door. I will, anyway, whether or not anyone comes with me. Schuyler doesn't drink but he does play fast and loose with his convictions and I am but always a test and I'm pretty sure he's in love with me but also pretty sure he would never ever be the kind of threat I have to worry about. The only threat from Schuyler is the one where I may be spoiled and touched to pieces and never want to rejoin reality, as if I did anyway, no thank you.
What if you invite me along?
What if I did?
What if I just did?
***
I make a plan to go and fetch him and go in to tell Schuyler and Lochlan that I'm making it a crowd. Schuyler is always up for anything and everyone and Lochlan is drunk and resigned and will see himself out if he can't manage his emotions. A far cry from the rest of them, to be sure.
Then I head back out, ostensibly to go and get Caleb but instead I go all the way down to PJ's quarters. I knock but he doesn't answer. I try the door after a minute. If it's locked I know he's asleep but it isn't so I let myself in. He is in his den reading and listening to music, pulling off his headphones and putting his book down when he sees me.
Everything okay?
I think I've made a big mistake. I mean Caleb and Schuyler in the same evening laid out ahead of me like a buffet when I'm already full but PJ thinks I mean showing up at his door, because he doesn't know the buffet is even there.
I don't think you have. He laughs, self-conscious in that way you are when you're not self-conscious at all. But I also think you need some sleep and so I'm going to put you to bed and sleep in the den. It's not an idea or a suggestion, it's the plan now after he sees my hands fluttering and so the plan is already cast in cement and I don't get a say. I think I've said enough and everything unsaid is written across my face.
Yeah, okay. Thank you, PJ.
I hate being the good guy, Bridge.
Who says you are? I give him a drunken kiss, salute him and go in his room, closing the door.
***
I wake up this morning alone. Still in my dress and earrings. Still in PJ's big comfy bed. I come out and PJ isn't in the den. He's in the kitchen with everyone else.
Caleb glares at me across his coffee. I love being stood u-
Oh, shut UP, Cale, PJ said and I see Lochlan's face flicker with amusement. He gets up and comes to hug me. PJ said you stole his apartment for the night.
I did.
Can you let me know next time? Schuyler was a little disappointed.
I'll talk to him.
Another night. You good?
Yes.
Am I fine with it? Caleb asks no one in particular.
Do I care? I ask him. Don't fuck with me today, Diabhal. Trying to figure out life here and you pressured me.
Because usually I'm right and it's what you wanted.
Well it wasn't last night.
You can stand up to me, you know, Neamhchiontach. You're the strongest person here.
That's what Edward said to Bella after he turned her. I point out the obvious.
Who?
Nevermind.